Falling apart, Completely on the edge...

Hello all.  Haven't posted in a bit but have read much here since my initial post.

Wife seems to be turning the "hyperfocus" against me!

Since things went into the proverbial shitter over the last round of unpaid bills (outlined in my intro post), she has "hyperfocused" on what I THOUGHT was the school for her next career change, but as it turns out has been on post-class texting, late nights out, chain smoking (A MAJOR deal for me as I have lost multiple relatives - including VERY recently and very traumatically - to tobacco related illness - not to mention that our oldest child has asthma and I am allergic to cigarette smoke) AND proving to herself (?) that I am the "bad guy" since addressing the need to re-evaluate the future of our relationship in light of her impulsive and unreliable behavior.

I have insomnia.  Once awakened, I cannot go back to sleep, yet I have a job which not only requires me to be there very early , but requires me to be "on" for the entire time I am there - after which I am in charge of our three kids - young - for the rest of the evening while she is "in class".

Upon return from class, she retires to the back porch to text and smoke and drink (a NEW habit - which not only stinks but which she insists I LIE to our kids about when they detect the stench).  She usually makes so much noise that I am woken up from my exiled spot on the couch downstairs, which means "done" for me for the night with my sleep problem.  I have gone out to tell her and to express my disappointment that after personally witnessing the effects of tobacco related illness in my own family that I am concerned for our children going through with her what I had gone through with my own family.  Also to ask her to PLEASE stop going outside to text and smoke because the dogs start barking and wake up the kids AND me and keep me from going to sleep because of my sleep problems which could potentially effect my work performance.

Her response?  To make a SHOW of recording me with her phone to gather "evidence" that I speak to her - "evidence" that I am "negative", "nonsupportive", or "abusive", which I am not.  She is so smug while she does this that I swear she must hate me.  I all but plead with her just to listen and she shuts me down.  When I become emotional, she flashes her phone at me - smiling -  to remind me I am being recorded.

Ironically, (and pathetically), even as she sleeps soundly upstairs - contented in her "victim" role as the wife of a "nonsupportive" husband - i just want to go up and crawl into the bed with her and pretend - for a minute - that things are OK.  How weak is that?

It makes me feel like I am crazy.

(FWIW - she is texting a friend who is in a troubled marriage - at least I think she is.  If she WERE to be texting an "affair" , I honestly don't think I'd care - it;s the smoking and noise that bothers me.)

I am a suicide survivor (lost my best friend and found him after the act 15 years ago) and have recently begun to take comfort in thoughts of "ending it".  Never would, though, because I KNOW what it leaves behind and would NEVER, EVER put my kids through that, but just the fact that it has crossed my mind is very telling.

This is F'd up.  I can't take much more of this.  I have lost weight.  I cannot sleep and when I can she wakes me up.  My hands shake.  I drink EVERY night and put myself to sleep with sleeping pills (after which she wakes me up!).  I just don't know how much more I can stand.  Ashamedly, I am in tears as I type this.

Of course, when I try to articulate this to HER, I am crazy, I am non-supportive.  I am ridiculed and dismissed and have a recording device flashed at me.  Maddening.

Sorry for the negative post, but hopefully this documentation may help others somehow in the future.  Maybe?

 

 

Dear zombiedad, you are in a

Dear zombiedad,

you are in a really bad situation right now and the last thing you should do is apologize for a negative post. You have a right to feel bad and you would be a robot if you didn't. What you need is a shoulder to cry on. Please take a break. It is much easier to look at your life from a distance. Can you (or you and the kids if your wife can't be trusted with them for a couple of days) go to a friend or a relative, stay there for a week or two and get your sleep patterns fixed? You need and deserve to be in peace and start thinking about next moves.

No matter how much you love your life, you can't go on like this. Has your wife been diagnosed? Is she on meds? They could help her and all your family.

You will not save anybody by surviving in the kind of environment that you described in your post. Please remember to take care of yourself. You deserve to be loved and comforted. You are worth it and your feelings matter.

A long distance hug to you from

Mysteria

 

Step away

 

When you reach a place where death creeps into your thoughts  and won't leave, then something really has to give.    At this moment you know you can't act on these thoughts because the damage this would your children is an unbearable thought,    from here the only place you have to slide  is feeling so desperate you resent your children for having closed off the only escape hatch left... and that my friend, when the only thing you have remaining is your children,  makes for the loneliest place on earth.    My advice as and ADHDer,  who has been in that head space you are right now ... walk away. 

This thing you are holding onto for dear life is going to reduce you to nothing ,  and your children need you to make sense of this world.   Your ADHD spouse is right now in an untouchable place,  lost and slowly destroying themselves.

Sometimes  it takes the realisation from the ADHD spouse that they  are really facing  the  bitter end,  and that will have to face this crazy world alone before they  find the strength to tackle the turmoil.

We are driven  by fear and the greatest fear is the loudest voice.

It's incredibly difficult as an ADHD person to unwind yourself,   to face up to the realisation that all you are needs to be deconstructed and reassembled piece by piece.  But only the ADHD person can come to that realisation and there is nothing you can do  but stay and be destroyed by the fallout.

Take a break and let her reflect on what it would mean. It may be the only card you  have left to play. 

 I do wish you the very best. 

Tomorrow is another day

She sounds like an insensitive clod.  Write a list of what it is that keeps you with her.  Read it on another day.  Are the things that are keeping you with her worth the turmoil you are going through? Can you visualize other options?  I think Jon is correct.  We can't change them.  No words, or actions other than physically leaving them has any effect. Don't be stupid and leave through suicide.  Have some dignity and leave like a man if you must. Tomorrow brings opportunity and maybe even some adventure.  Melissa had to leave her husband for a while.  At least when she got back with him she knew what it was she was getting so her expectations were what she got.  Some of us believed our spouses's promises and bravado and "masks", then we called ourselves crazy and not good enough when the ADD (and all the unhealthy coping methods they are doing) takes over their lives and we are left with the effects of their coping.  We can't even help them cope.  There is a part of them hating us for being witness to their disability. There is a part of them that thinks they are super great human beings because they are so (fill in the blank)___________ funny, personable, easy going, gutsy, free, talented, smart.  They have their own rewards they have learned to give themselves to cope.  Give yourself the reward of being a good parent who finds other good parents to associate with and help each other.  Oh yea, by the way.  This economy has many people in EXTREMELY difficult financial situations.  You are not alone...don't beat yourself up about that.  Things will eventually get better.

Today I am going to the funeral of a close dear friend of mine who battled cancer for 5 years.  She was ALWAYS upbeat.  It was like she just didn't let her physical illness make her a different or difficult person.  She lived her life of love and joy even though cancer was a misery and scary.  Her memorial says of her,  “Hope is the thing with feather that perches in the soul, and sings the tune without words, and never stops at all.”  I don't want my relationship to define me.  I must have hope and have a song in my heart. 

Thank you everyone for your

Thank you everyone for your responses.  The dawning of a new day has a way of casting the previous night's worries in a softer light.  A good night's sleep every now and then does wonders for mental clarity.

I would like to clarify that I would NEVER harm myself or take myself away from my kids - EVER.  My statement was just meant to indicate that I sometimes take comfort in the thought that THIS life is NOT forever, that's all.

Even as I write this with my three children asleep above me on ANOTHER Saturday night / sunday morning at 3 AM when their mother -  my 35 year old ADD wife -  is out at the bars after a day spent "studying", I realize that I am STRONGER than last week, STRONGER than yesterday, and will be even STRONGER tomorrow.

I am done with the thought of defining my own self worth in light of the wants and needs of a "partner" whose wants and needs are not only ever-changing, but unattainable.

My children may not see it now, but I feel as if the BEST example I could set for them is that of rising above and moving on.  I hope one day they may understand, but even if they don't - I will not have them remember me as the tired, nervous "shell" of a man that I am now - walking on eggshells and forever waiting for the next shoe to fall as my "partner" mercurially flits from one capricious, hyperfocused scheme to another in search of ever-changing sources of novelty, stimulation, and excitement. 

IF my wife wants reconciliation, it WILL be on new - and CLEARLY defined -  terms.  While a reconciliation may be my ultimate hope (for the good of the kids), I am not holding my breath.  I have much left to offer this world in my remaining years on this planet, and will not have it all sucked away by by the bottomless pit that my marriage has become.  I owe that to my children.

Thanks to ALL on this forum.  I have posted little but read very much and am a stronger individual for it. Thank you all.