Hello all. Haven't posted in a bit but have read much here since my initial post.
Wife seems to be turning the "hyperfocus" against me!
Since things went into the proverbial shitter over the last round of unpaid bills (outlined in my intro post), she has "hyperfocused" on what I THOUGHT was the school for her next career change, but as it turns out has been on post-class texting, late nights out, chain smoking (A MAJOR deal for me as I have lost multiple relatives - including VERY recently and very traumatically - to tobacco related illness - not to mention that our oldest child has asthma and I am allergic to cigarette smoke) AND proving to herself (?) that I am the "bad guy" since addressing the need to re-evaluate the future of our relationship in light of her impulsive and unreliable behavior.
I have insomnia. Once awakened, I cannot go back to sleep, yet I have a job which not only requires me to be there very early , but requires me to be "on" for the entire time I am there - after which I am in charge of our three kids - young - for the rest of the evening while she is "in class".
Upon return from class, she retires to the back porch to text and smoke and drink (a NEW habit - which not only stinks but which she insists I LIE to our kids about when they detect the stench). She usually makes so much noise that I am woken up from my exiled spot on the couch downstairs, which means "done" for me for the night with my sleep problem. I have gone out to tell her and to express my disappointment that after personally witnessing the effects of tobacco related illness in my own family that I am concerned for our children going through with her what I had gone through with my own family. Also to ask her to PLEASE stop going outside to text and smoke because the dogs start barking and wake up the kids AND me and keep me from going to sleep because of my sleep problems which could potentially effect my work performance.
Her response? To make a SHOW of recording me with her phone to gather "evidence" that I speak to her - "evidence" that I am "negative", "nonsupportive", or "abusive", which I am not. She is so smug while she does this that I swear she must hate me. I all but plead with her just to listen and she shuts me down. When I become emotional, she flashes her phone at me - smiling - to remind me I am being recorded.
Ironically, (and pathetically), even as she sleeps soundly upstairs - contented in her "victim" role as the wife of a "nonsupportive" husband - i just want to go up and crawl into the bed with her and pretend - for a minute - that things are OK. How weak is that?
It makes me feel like I am crazy.
(FWIW - she is texting a friend who is in a troubled marriage - at least I think she is. If she WERE to be texting an "affair" , I honestly don't think I'd care - it;s the smoking and noise that bothers me.)
I am a suicide survivor (lost my best friend and found him after the act 15 years ago) and have recently begun to take comfort in thoughts of "ending it". Never would, though, because I KNOW what it leaves behind and would NEVER, EVER put my kids through that, but just the fact that it has crossed my mind is very telling.
This is F'd up. I can't take much more of this. I have lost weight. I cannot sleep and when I can she wakes me up. My hands shake. I drink EVERY night and put myself to sleep with sleeping pills (after which she wakes me up!). I just don't know how much more I can stand. Ashamedly, I am in tears as I type this.
Of course, when I try to articulate this to HER, I am crazy, I am non-supportive. I am ridiculed and dismissed and have a recording device flashed at me. Maddening.
Sorry for the negative post, but hopefully this documentation may help others somehow in the future. Maybe?