So, I have no idea if posting this will help at all. But I need to tell someone and hopefully someone who understands.
Where to start I am not sure but, here I go. I am lost, confused, anger, depressed, scared and yet not ready to give up.
Lets start with some history. I am a woman with 5 kids.(4 are mine from past relationship, age 14, 13, 11,and 9 and we have a 2 year old together) My DH (been together 4 years and engaged never made it to the alter) was diagnosed as a child with ADHD, took medication for a very short time in his teen years. Decided he didn't like the meds and went off them. And has never been bak on them or re diagnosed as an adult. He is an Identical twin, and does not in anyones opinion have a healthy positive relationship with anyone in the entire world. Not his mother, not his father (very abusive from what my DH recalls haven't spoken since he was a teen). Not a good relationship with his brother or with any of his friends (who are very few because he believes all people cause drama and it is all there fault he hates everyone and every thing) as well as he has never had a romantic relationship that has ever ended any differently then with angry frustration and fighting.
He has severe impulsivity which after quitting high school, due to being told it wasn't for everyone he had never managed to keep a job longer then 8 months. He has now since our daughter was 4 months old, managed to keep this job, but not with out the stress of calling me almost everyday (not an exaggeration) to tell me he cant do it and that he is quitting and sick of it. That they are blaming him for doing something wrong or not doing something, which he strongly believe is them picking on him. and that because he cant remember doing or being ask to do what he didn't do, that it is them that is wrong and he is tired of being treated that way. (thank god his employer is not the type to fire people, but he has spent many of days at home wondering why the guys below him have work yet he is at home) On top of all of this, he feels like a child cause he cant budget a book or save money. If he has money, he literally has a melt down until it is all spent. example, he sold his car (which might i add he was his 9th vehicle in 3 1/2 years) for 3 thousand dollars, I told him he could deal with the money that we needed oil in the furnace and that the van needed some work but, that other then that he could do what he wanted. He did put 500 in the oil tank (half filling it) and gave me 500 for the van (which got spent later on other things he wanted rc cars) the other 2000. We went out on the next day Sunday morning and drove around to all the stores that had things he wanted and he made a list. He wanted new tools, he wanted a desk and computer chair and computer , he wanted a large tool box etc. We managed to make it home without him buying anything cause well he wanted a desk and chair, but the store didn't have it in and god forbid he have to wait till Wednesday to get it. He needs instant gratification. which lasts all of maybe that day. When we got home it was 4 pm, here where we live the stores close at 5. he went down to our bed and had a melt down lost his mind, broke down in tear got physically sick, and came upstairs and said I am going shopping alone I cant do this I have to buy something. He came back with An x-box 360 with all the extras, a wii for the kids for Xmas as this was in November and a 900 dollar camera for "me" the one he had been talking about wanting since we had gotten together. Broke. Again. A week later he had a melt down because his twin brother had bought an rc car and he just had to have one. That was the first of 3 that he bought and spent 1400 dollars on over the month of December. Where the money came from , everything I had managed to save and keep away from him. Any way the moral of this part was him feeling like a child because it got to a point he had to bring his pay cheque home and I would give him back what he had for the next week and needed for gas smokes etc. and the rest I would pay the bills and save for those days I knew he was going to have a melt down.
Every fight and argument we ever have or have had, is a "right fight" it is either all or nothing with him.. There is no compromise, if he believed the kids were doing something wrong that I didn't agree with. we could not discuss it , it was either let him have his way and yell and argue and tell them they could do nothing right, or say this is not working for all of us can we discuss it and have him say what does it matter you dont give them shit for nothing I am always wrong , your going to do what you want anyway, (which is so not true. although if it wasnt for others telling me I did start to believe him after hearing it so much) It always came down to being right or wrong and I don't believe anything is like that , just a matter of finding what fits and works for all partys involved.
So I became the typical , Controlling everything, angry person I hated myself, and started reading here several months ago , in hopes of finding a way to get to him. That it is not him and it is not me. We loved each other for the first 2 years. Hyper fous stage I assume. He was amazing. and I still love the good moments they are great the best I have ever had. But the ADHD symptoms have slowly taken over our lives. to the point he doesnt know if he loves me anymore. He has now left, and is living at his mothers. And left telling me I need to get help and counseling and I need to get it for the kids as well . Which I didn't disagree with we all definitely can and will benefit from that. And I have since seen my doctor and we are all enrolled to start counseling.
But now I have a 2 year old , who he wants access with and well I cant deny him , based on fear. But I let her go for the first weekend and she spent the time completely with his mother, out shopping and playing with her, well he fous on working in the garage on a truck and three wheeler. Let me add that before this weekend and new found interest in her cause his mother is pushing it. He has never spent more then 30 minutes alone with her. She doesnt and wont go to him on her own. half the time she wont hug or kiss him unless I push the go give daddy a hug . and make a game of it. As well he can be sitting with her and then just lose site of the fact he has to watch her and get into something else that he is "interested in" he has never bonded with her and his excuses is work and yes he spent a lot of time away for work but he never tried when he was home on weekends or evening. NEVER. The relationship is like all the others he has when it is convinent and working for him.
as well he calls me every single day, 15-20 times a day complaining about his mom and step dad . how bad it is. that he has no money to buy a truck of his own or get a place. and that he is afraid I am going to be like everyone else and just give up on him.. But he cant tell me he loves me. he is stringing me along, it is all about him, dont mention how i feel , that I want him to come home and work on this. that I believe he needs to see someone too. (which at times when he cant see someone ie: weekends or 11 o'clock at night he will agree and say he does then its , I dont have time , cant miss work, and any other excuses, then when it is convenient I get you didn't want to help when I was having a moment and said I needed it)
Everything is all about him. in 4 years he has never once apologized to anyone for anything. He always believes he is right. he does what ever he needs to do to avoid dealing with anything. including not talking to his mother for months at a time cause she confronted him on something she didnt like. No one elses feelings thoughts matter at all. I evven said what happens when you daughter decides she doesnt like who you are or what you are doing, which he replied I cant change the way she feels so oh well.
He is like having another teenager. One with anger issues and who hates the world, except with a teenager I actually would have some controll , over no video games, or internet, dont pick on the kids . clean up your mess (which he makes a bigger mess then they do) and believes the rest of us should clean it. If I do everything he is angry with the kids that they do nothing around here. if the kids help he is angry with me that the kids do to much and I do nothing ( cause he doesnt see , that all the worrying, toilet training our daughter , teaching her everything from colors to how to dress her self, to helping our kids with home work and cleaning the house, making sure I am here so he has someone to talk to, to keep him from quiting his job, paying the bills, making sure the budget works, de-escalating his melt downs and I hate the world days. Making sure he is fed and eats , making his lunch and getting up all through the night with our daughter to only get told I need to get up at 4 30 in the morning to make his lunch and see him off to work. remembering where he leavves everything . from his wallet to the keys , his hat, his boots , his coat is not a full time job. oh and then here about not going to work . but when I mention going . he doesnt trust anyone to watch our daughter and how dare I think of putting her in day care. cut the lawn, but you didnt do it right and you might break the lawn mower) Ya I do nothing in a day because I can do all that and take time to play on the computer and watch some tv. because I have to or I would be insane and well time management is something I do well thank god.
I dont want to give up on him. there is a great guy in there. A wonderful man who deserves more then what he is getting out of life. How do I help him . help himself, and get us back to a place we both love. Please Please help. I know I have only touch on some of the stuff. But every story I have read on here is my DH to a T. seriously. I even read him the for husbands who dont believe ADHD plays a role. I even went to blaming symptoms instead of him. I evven told him I play a big role in this and I am sorry that I became this person we both dont like, and that I want to try hard to learn to deal with the situations differently. and be more helpful . HELP US PLEASE BEFORE ITS TO LATE...
I know this is alot about him, But as I said I am the typical non adhd spouse. I am looking for things to help me as well. I have started the counciling process alone, and am willing and able to admit I am as guilty of letting these symptoms change me and not in a positive way, I became a nag, a controling parenting type partner, because it was all I knew how to do. I am now researching and reading on a daily bases and continuing to support him emotionally. In the best way i know how. I am looking for tools and tips to help us both. Is there a way to get him to see that if he addresses the ADHD, that the other things will become a little easier for both of us to begin to adjust and change for the positive and that we can both together become the people that we love to be with and around. and that it will help all other aspects of both our lives and the people around us as well. I know it is going to be hard work. I love this man unonditionally and I know he loves me in the only way he knows how to, with all that he is capable of at this time (was hard to get that but I am slowly getting there) and realize that I am not helping with the way I react to the symptoms. But lost for things to do to change it on my own????? Again please HELP BOTH OF US!!!