My husband and I recently got into an argument over where to spend Christmas this year. Previously, we had agreed to go to my in-laws’ house for Thanksgiving and then stay up here, near my parents, for Christmas. I thought this was more than fair since last year we went to my in-laws for both holidays due to the fact that a family member had passed down there recently and his side of the family needed more comfort and emotional support. In 2017, we visited my parents for Christmas and he acted terribly. He was away from his mom’s good cooking and did not get the special breakfast casserole his grandma bakes on Christmas Day. After all the gifts were opened, I found him in the bedroom quietly sulking and he told me everything he got was crap. Last year, we agreed not to spend a lot on each other, but at the last moment (a day or so before Christmas) he went shopping with a friend and bought a bunch of extra gifts for me on a credit card. It was thoughtful, but also impulsive. We had a much better Christmas at his parents house because they always spoil him and walk on eggshells to get him exactly what he wants (I know, a grown man!) I know he was not used to spending Christmas away from his family in 2017 and that I could have tried harder to make things nicer for him, but I did get him a few nice gifts and I was very hurt by his behavior. It was the worst Christmas experience for me because of how he acted. My question is, what should I do about this year? Now he wants to celebrate with my family either before or after the actual holiday and be with his side on Christmas Day. His reasoning is that the food is better down there, his mom goes “all out” with decorations, and the kids will have more fun (they have cousins their own age who they would see). I think he’s being selfish and really don’t understand why he can’t think of me and realize I might want to spend a holiday with my parents and brothers as well as our family. My mom had to put my grandpa into a memory care facility this year and I know seeing her grandkids on Christmas would bring her a lot of joy. But I honestly don’t want to relive that terrible Christmas when he threw an adult temper tantrum. What would you do? Do I just give in to keep the peace? Or tell him he needs to be more mature about this?
Conflict Over Christmas
Submitted by CoffeeMama85 on 10/09/2019.
Christmas
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
Perhaps you could trade off.
When I was married, we always spent Christmas eve with my husband's family. It was an important Polish tradition, Wigiela. Traditional polish food, Christmas Carols and the breaking of Oplatki, a polish bread.
We then spent most of Christmas day with my family...at first. We ended up seeing his family too, which was fine in the beginning but it was a pain in the rear once we had children and had to drag them everywhere. Our families didn't exactly live near each other. Think of it like a East side West side thing . This had to do with his family tradition of spending Christmas Eve with his mom's family and Christmas Day with his dad's. All well and good but when did the kids get to see my family?
His abuse went on for years. I've mentioned it in several of my other posts. I did not set boundaries or stand my ground. I caved, every time. I couldn't because I didn't want to hear the screaming I didn't want the fights I just gave in. We ended up seeing my family on Christmas kind of as an afterthought. Most of the time a lot of my relatives had already left by the time we got there. My ex always acted like visiting my family was such a chore. The biggest regret I have is because I didn't set boundaries and make my feelings known, my children to this day are not as close to my family. I regret that deeply. My father passed away about 5 years ago. I regret that the children didn't spend as much time with their Grampa.
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If I'd set appropriate boundaries, I would have told my husband that I was taking the children to visit my family on Christmas day, and that He was welcometo join us. If not, he could go to his Dad's side of the family alone. Unfortunatately, I was afraid of him and his anger.
Bah Humbug. The yearly battle.
Submitted by adhd32 on
After many different arrangements over the years to make things fair I came to realize that unless we did what H wanted, which was nothing, he wouldn't be happy. The season would approach and he would ramp up his irritation making trouble instead of offering to help with the 1000 tasks. The holiday isn't about one person being happy but I don't think that our ADD spouses are capable of empathic behavior or wish to see us non spouses happy with our families; maybe because they are miserable with theirs. They ramp up the bad behavior in order to garner the attention they feel is being showered on others and all the tasks necessary to participate in the holiday season. Poor me, no one is paying me any attention.
After years of this I put my foot down. H has a tenancy to drag his feet while getting ready to go somewhere that is not his idea causing us all to be late. One year I had enough of his passive aggressive behavior and told him to stay home, I would visit my relatives without him. He was dumbfounded. I told him that the kids and I would have a much better time without having to worry about everything he did and said. He thought about being home alone all day with nothing to eat while we were having fun family time and agreed to come. He acted like an adult the entire day so obviously he is capable of controlling himself. I will not put up with his crap or be bullied by his behavior when visiting my family ever again. If he doesn't want to come or cannot act appropriately, he can stay home alone. It is not an ideal solution if you are looking to have the postcard Christmas gathering but you have to be realistic about what is possible and what is impossible.
Good for you!!
Submitted by daizzebelle on
I completely agree that they can act like grown ups when they choose to!
Your feelings matter just as much
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
I have run into situations like this a lot with my ADHD spouse. Here's the thing... often our spouses want it their way ALL the time. When we compromise or give in and do things their way, we do not pout and act childish, do we? Yes, we are disappointed or sad or perhaps would just have preferred to do things another way, but we manage our behavior like adults. You deserve to spend Christmas with your parents because that is what is fair and what was initially agreed upon. Your feelings and family and traditions matter just as much as his and deserve equal consideration, whether he'd rather be somewhere else or not. However, I know what you're saying. I gave in on things like this to keep the peace for years. There is a good chance that if you put your foot down he will be miserable. Ungrateful. Childish. And that might be distressing/embarrassing/upsetting for you. The greatest remedy I have found for this is to try very hard not to let the emotions and behavior of my husband affect me. Oh man this is hard, especially at first, but I am getting a LOT better at it. (I've read some great books on codependency that have helped me gain new skills like this.) If he is going to be a big baby in front of my family, I let him. I remind myself that his behavior is his and not a reflection of me and I continue on having a great time with the other people I love. My husband has fallen asleep on the floor at my parents' house. He has brought his laptop and spent hours on it while everyone else plays games and talks. He has gone upstairs to make unnecessary phone calls while other people are opening presents. I just ignore it now. When he whines and comes at me with complaints, I shut it down quickly with something like, "I'm sorry you are missing your family today, but this is what we agreed to do and I am having a great time! I'm going to get more cake..."
Or heck... maybe there is another solution. "We agreed to be with my parents for Christmas this year so that is where I and the kids will be. If you want to go to your family's house, that is your decision."
No matter what you decide, I know what you're going through and there are definitely times I still give in to avoid conflict, so only you know best what will give YOU the happiest holiday (you deserve it!).
Boundaries.....
Submitted by c ur self on
Do you see his mind here? The food, the gifts, the family walking on eggshells....It's a self absorded mind....His thinking say's...***It's all about what I experience, what I percieve is good to me***...Not fairness, not being an accepting and responsible adult...Just my selfish pleasure....
This is your prefect opportunity to set boundaries....Even if you go in different directions, or just stay home....Do your best to refuse to be drug into the battle....IF he is off pouting (a grown man) in another room, never under any circumstance's feed that, by hunting him down and giving attention, or ear, to that kind of blind selfishness....When he can't manipulate you, he will painfully grow....
Just my view...
c
H does the MIA thing
Submitted by adhd32 on
H does the missing thing too, maybe to clear his mind from the activity but I think it is for attention and to unload his grievances about how the holiday isn't the way he wanted it to be. I stopped looking for him. When someone notices and asks where he is I shrug my shoulders and say I don't know. H smokes so I say maybe outside. H does go off and sits on his own too but I ignore that, at least he isn't causing trouble with his one sided political conversations. I used to feel as though I had to make excuses for his behavior and I was concerned about what my family thought about our relationship but I no longer address any of that. H is an ass and I have accepted that and no longer hold out any hope he will ever change. I no longer feel responsible for him. When someone mentions some stupid thing he says or does I just roll my eyes and say that he is responsible for himself and leave it at that. I will not defend him. I let him be responsible for the thing he always preaches he wants, to be his own man.
BRAVO.
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
Well said.
This^^^
Submitted by daizzebelle on
Yesssss!
What codependency books, Melody?
Submitted by Brindle on
I'd love to know which books helped you in this area, Melody. I've got the famous one by Melody Beattie called Codependent No More. What others would you recommend?
Dummies! (Codependency Book) :)
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
I really like Codependency for Dummies. It is incredibly easy to read and breaks things down so well. I have read it three times and gotten something new out of it every time (because I am at a new stage of understanding/recovery each time I read it). It has a really good chart in it that lists what rock bottom codependency looks like, and what recovery/healing looks like at three different stages. I have been able to see myself improve by referring back to these charts over time and I'm able to look at stage 3 recovery and see that I am actually getting there. It really shows me how far I've come! If you can find the Table of Contents online, that will give you a good idea of what to expect. It is extremely thorough.
Thank you!
Submitted by Brindle on
Thank you!