I had know about it, in a manner of speaking, for not that long...and only suspected for about 5 months, and so finally worked up the nerve to confront her, as I felt that she might just up and leave.
But I did confront her, last night; I soft-pedaled, and didn't lose my temper. I'm paraphrasing, but I said that there were a number of events that I had noticed over the last few months, and I'd gotten very concerned, and looked into a few things, and I wanted the truth - when did her emotional affair with him turn physical? And she stumbled a bit, said she's suspected that I was reading her emails, and then admitted it.
(Please keep in mind that they have known each other as actual friends for years, that I'd never been jealous of him before, and that he lives far enough away that the don't see each other more than once or twice a year.)
But here's what's got me - no apology. Instead, what I get is a 'I should be able to have sex with my friends' and a 'I'm sorry you found out' and a 'I felt so disconnected to you that your feelings didn't matter'.
Wow. Not a nasty discussion, not a heated discussion, but pretty bad, I think.
I had really just one follow up question - because we know we're having trouble, and one of the things we've lost over the years is that deep emotional connection, and we both have said that we want that back. So I say to her: I want to have that deep emotional connection with you, because I still love you, but I need to know: do you want to have that deep emotional connection with me?
I get two responses: "I don't know" and "I don't think it can come back"
This sounds like it's over, right? I shouldn't pretend?
PS - we have 2 girls, ages 8 & 12
PPS - yes, I do have ADHD, it's pretty mild (20 mg/adderall/daily) and I'm seeing a psych about it, and taking responsibility, but I know that there's a lot of hurt in the past. We've been married 17 years, both 41.