Confronting a spouse that clearly has ADHD about it

Hi,

I am soooo glad that I found this website. I was at my wits end. Then my husbands stepmother help me to realize that my husband more than likely has ADHD. I have kept telling him over the last few years that he has a mood disorder, some sort of mental illness, anxiety disorder or something. His mother & brother are both bi-polar & have ADD & his biological father & his moms mom have issues as well. I tried to approach him about it tonight & he kinda got mad, but I said that I had been reading this book on it & that it sounds as if we could've written over half of the experiences in there, to a tee! & I told him about a quiz I found & he gets very angry when I approach him about stuff like this becuz of his moms & brothers history & the fact that they use their mental illnesses for excuses to not be responsible or have jobs or do anything else really. I keep telling him that he's not like that, i try to stay reeeeeally positive, & i constantly have to watch what i say & walk on egg shells so to speak because if i dont, then i hurt his feelings & im soooo mean. I really try to not call him names, i never say hes stupid, i do get sngry &call him a jerk alot tho. I dont mean to but theres only so much crap that one person can take before going over the ledge- lol!

I'm hoping that educating him on what I've recently read & learned that it will sink in & make him think about things enough to be curious. Because I think that I have the key to saving our marriage. When first reading this website & the book, I wanted to cry because I felt oddly relieved that someone else knew what it was like to live in my shoes, something that none of my friends can relate to at all. They all just say that I'm coming dangerously close to the point that I need to leave him. Hell, his step mom told me to leave him to give an ultimatum, like get help or I'm out-  But he is a wonderful person when he can be, like right now we are having one of his "good " weeks. Then the cycle usually goes into kinda depressed & hateful & defensive & insecure & then it's like a switch is flipped & he's good again for a little while. So, I guess, after all my long windedness describing our dynamics, can anyone help me to give me a clue how to get him on board to take this seriously without hurting his feelings (which I hear like 40 times a day, along with him calling himself fat- which he IS NOT) and without making him defensive? & then maybe going to a counselor to get diagnosed. I've gotten half way thru reading the book & I tried a different response to his actions this last weekend & it seemed to help a little to make us not fall into the old patterns. But I know for us to be successful in getting thru this that he has to be on board too. So again, any suggestions about how to get this subject going & talking about it in a non threatening way? I would greatly appreciate it sooo much !!!

Thanks for listening, I have a little bit of hope again! I hope! Lol! :)

in my experience and point of view

What helped me was to make him clear that we both were needed of help to improve our marriage,  that we both needed to work together as a team, let him know how much you love him and care about him, how this is affecting both,  wait for the right moment to talk with him, make the approach in a positive way, be patient and persevering .  My husband was excited when he knew that out there are a lot of famous people that have ADHD , all of them successful :)  Maybe you can bring to the conversation some positive  feedback about what you have learned, don't make judgments, just explore together alternatives to work together on this. And make it in an excited journey for your wellbeing .   Something that I have learned is that they don't like the  nagging so be careful with this.  And keep this between you two, sharing it with family and close friends can make things worse. They all want to give opinions and can  push things in the wrong direction. Well, this worked for me .   Good luck!