Hi everyone,

Im wondering if anyone has the same experiences with their ADHD partner as I do.

I met my husband in 2016. We met on a dating site and our first meeting was at a cafe in the town where I lived. 

We are both in our late 50'ties and I lived 2 hours drive from him. He dropped everything to meet me and drove the 2 hours. I was amazed.

The first time we met he had forgotten his wallet, so I told myself, that if he forgot it a second time then that was a bad sign. 

The second time we met was at the beach and he bought me a present of gourmet coffee beans.

At the time I ADHD never crossed my mind. The second date at the beach he told me of all the problems he had had with his daughter getting her diagnosed with ADHD when she was a teenager. Weird that I never thought ADHD with regards to my husband at that time. I was overwhelmed by his attention, his willingness to put me first, to help me with stuff. He told me I was fantastic, beautiful and so on. 

We got married after a year and moved in together in the area he lived in. I gave up my job, got another close to our home. 

Little by little I realized I was walking on eggshells most of the time. I thought that it was maybe me having problems with adjusting to life with another man. I was married to my first husband for over 20 years and we rarely fought over anything. 

I began to have suspicions that my husband also has ADHD. When I asked his daughter, who I have a good relationship with she told med that he and his ex-wife fought and his ex ended up having a depression after 30 years of marriage. My husband of course blames his ex-wife. He also blames me for our problems. I am, according to him, always picking on him and being negative. Often I cant do anything that pleases him. When he does something, for example, cleans the floors, he gets angry if I don't notice it straight away and praise him for it. I may have come home after 10 hours at work, but that doesn't make any difference. 

Another challenge is that he complains all the time that he hasn't any money. He earns the same as I do, but he has always enough to buy stuff on the spur of the moment. He drinks a bottle of wine nearly every night and according to him that's normal. 

There are so many things that scream ADHD but he refuses to go to the doctor with me and he refuses to go to counseling. In fact yesterday he told me the problem is my relationship with my ex-husband. My ex-husband and I can contact each other and talk regarding our daughter. My husband and his ex-wife don't talk. She refuses to be in the same room as him. 

Last year on the Christmas vacation I was feeling very ill. My husband had no understanding at all. I was negative and complaining according to him. As it turned out I had a good dose of the flu plus an infection which I had to have 2 different types of antibiotic for. Still I was the one feeling guilty. He never said sorry for his behavior towards me. He never says sorry if he shouts at me in front of other people which he had done a few times. 

He leaves things lying around the house, when there is something to be done it can take up to a year. 

I don't know. Im not perfect and I always seem to blame myself for situations I end up in. 

I am so grateful for at we don't have children together. All of our children are grown up. 

My only wish is that he would acknowledge that he has ADHD and work on it with me. When he is in a good mood hes a fantastic man. We like most of the same things, he can be sweet and loving, but one "wrong" word or lack of a word is enough to set him off. He can go for days not really acknowledging that I exist and when I ask him whats wrong, Im told that nothing is wrong, that its me thats in a bad mood. 

Im at the stage where I don't know whats right and whats wrong in my life. I don't seem to be able to fix it anyway. He says that the problem is that we disagree and Im the one who insists on being right. 

As a teacher of 27 years I consider myself good at handling conflicts and good at working together with other people. Why doesn't it work in my private life?

Sorry that this message is so long. At the moment Im at my wits end regarding what to do. 

Any advice?