confused and sad, dealing with self medicated partner

Does anyone have any advice or has had to deal with a self medicated spouse? What are the effects of him self medicating? I can’t find much in books and thought maybe someone has experienced this.
I have read a lot of posts here and I am very confused at this point and sad and getting some anxiety. From what I have read it seems like a terrible life of stress and bad communicating.

If I were you, I would go

If I were you, I would go back over this and read it 100 times if that's what it took for you to see that you already have your answers you're looking for. NONE of what you describe is 'normal' after 3 years of dating. You ARE 'just his buddy' in very many aspects. Do you really want to look back 10 years from now and see that you're still with him and in the exact same situation? For your son, demand more for yourself.