Confusion

I am not married, but this is the only site where I felt everyone understood what each other was going through. I have been with my partner a mere 7 months. Sounds crazy that I find it diffucult already doesnt it? But, yes. I have. I feel so unloved at times, he is the most confusing person i have ever met. I have spent hours crying at this behaviour.

Once, he asked me if we could meet up after work for sex. I told him that this wasnt possible as it wasnt exactly the best time of the month for me. He then asked if I would 'plesure him'. I agreed. We talked about it for a while and he suggested that I dress up for him. I wasnt exactl keen on the idea as I was tired but of course, I agreed. AS ALWAYS. I spent 6 hours getting ready, showered, tan, the works. it had hit 9 o clock and there was no sign of him so I rang, he then told me that he 'couldnt be bothered' and that he wanted to watch the football. This made me feel so stupid and worthless. I had spent all this time getting myself all pretty for him and he didnt care. So, after I explained how hurt I was he arrived down to my house to apologise...Well, thats what he said but once he knew what I was wearing he was very obviously wanting me to do him a 'favour' rather than him apologising. I dont exactly know how it happened but he ended up turning it all around on me and i apologised! Crazy? yes. when i refused to engage in pleasuring him he snapped at me, told me i had hurt his pride and that he was going to get 'it' else where 'if i knew what he meant'. I just dont understand! I told him that I felt very stupid for spending such a long time getting ready when he was more interested in football and that the moment had past and i didnt feel sexy or attractive anymore. this didnt work and he again repeatedly told me i had hurt his pride. I told him that he had destroyed my confidence, he relpied 'good'.

this is only one way that he has made my confidence drop. I used to have bucket loads. but now it seems that my life revolves around him, my friends think i am an idiot and that im 'undr his thumb' but unfortuantley its true. I love him and so I put up with this behaviour. Of course, I have tried to change it, he always apologises and tells me that he wil have more respect for me etc etc.. but wrds are cheap, and his mosr certainly are.

Im only 18. Life shouldnt be difficult like this at my age should it? I dont know what to do, i know i dont have the strength to leave him. I dnt want to leave him.

Compared to alot of the stories that i have read on here i feel quite silly at mine. It is nowhere near as bad as what some of you have to deal with. But, I feel like i have had to mature so much. I feel married.

I used to be so happy, out going, a party girl! The 'crazy, fun loving, exciting' girl that always managed to make sure everyone had a brilliant night out.

Now I am a carer. I look after him, i love him, I clean for him, cook for him, put up with his anger, cry an unhealthy amount, iv neglected my friends an my responsibilites to attend to him. He is literally my focus all of the time. I feel hurt, used and abused. but I stay. Why?

I want to spend my life with this man. hes 21. but why?

And now here i go defending him. He is loving and caring when he wants to be. he'll send me romantic messages, tell me he loves me more than anything, spend time and money on me and laugh and joke with me. But he can turn so quickly.

I dont know what to do..

I only want to help him.

 

am i being a childish 18 year old girl with no clue? Or, am I getting very upset at problems that are minimal? I just dont know anymore.

Lauren

Run!  This is not love.  Love doesn't hurt, humiliate or disrespect.  You are only 18.  You have your whole life ahead of you. This guy is a jerk!  Run, run fast.  You can't "help" him.  He is an abuser.  Its not your job to change him.  You are worth more than what he is giving you.  Just leave him and move on.  There are plenty of men out there who will treat you with love, respect and the care that you deserve.  NOT THIS GUY!!!  You will never be happy.

Keep in touch and best of luck for the strength to leave!

Thank you for you comment. It

Thank you for you comment. It makes sense, I should..

Maybe because I am young I havent developed enough emotional strength to leave..

In time though, I might.

He just callled over, He logged onto his social network. Didnt speak. Then when he was going back to work he siad 'sorry for not giving you much attention' gave me a kiss and away he went.

Today I began my research about adhd, we have spoke via text and I understand more, although I dont feel any better about it..But he said he is willing to talk through it..Whether or not that will happen is another thing.

Who knows, this could be a stepping stone for becoming a stronger person

Or perhaps it is karma getting back at me for my previous 'relationships' where I was the 'user and abuser'

 

NO! LAUREN!

Its is not karma.  There is no excuse for the way he treats you.  No one deserves this!  Get yourself to a counselor so you can begin to understand this. 

You have the strength. Call a domestic violence hotline and speak to someone there.  They will tell you what I am telling you.

GET OUT! 

Oh I think I may have maybe

Oh I think I may have maybe gave the impression that I have been physically abused. No, that isnt the case at all, he can be hurtful in his words and the likes, but never physically.

Lauren

Lauren, I agree with Steph - RUN!  If he is worth anything he will smarten up and prove himself to you  but don't hold your breath.  Learn from the experience and move on.  I do believe that maintaining a good relationship is work but it has to be real work on both ends and it shouldn't be a lot of work at the beginning.

Young Love

I have an 18 year old daughter who has had a few relationships with guys around her age, as you are doing now.  She currently has a serious boyfriend (been together a year) who treats her really well.  She said to me recently - "Now I can see that those first relationships really weren't healthy - those guys didn't treat me very well."  It takes a few bad relationships before you can see what makes a good one.  Some people get to this point at 18, others not until 50.

You are in the same situation.  You don't have enough relationships under you belt to see that this person isn't treating you well.  But pretend that I, and the other people who have been answering you here, are like loving mothers who want to wrap their arms around you and tell you that you are beautiful and special with a full life ahead of you that this guy is about to take away.  Don't let him steal your self-confidence from you!  Don't let him rule you like this!  This is not a healthy relationship for you in any way.  And, no, your problem isn't a small one - it is as serious as any of the problems on this site.

We all grow up with these untrue stories about what love can do.  Remember "Beauty and the Beast"?  The story about how a woman "cures" a beast (literally) by just loving him.  However, that is fantasy.  Love doesn't cure everything and the Beatles lyrics of "All You Need is Love" are simply false.  Love is wonderful, fabulous and really, really fun when you have good love - love that respects you, is interested in you, and loves you completely for who you are.  But your loving isn't going to cure him!  Your caretaking isn't going to make him a better person.  You're simply in the role of slave right now.  He's manipulating you all over the place.

But even if you did believe in the healing power of love, I would challenge you and suggest that you don't have that love - in either direction.  You don't love this man for who he is - you don't even like who he is.  If you don't like him this early in your relationship, you don't love him.  He hurts you.  He's disrespectful.  He makes you cry.  He makes your life miserable.  He threatens that if you don't give him what he wants, when he wants then he'll just leave you.  Believe him when he says this - for he WILL.  A person this callous at the beginning of a relationship, when everything is supposed to be fabulous, is going to be much more callous when he's REALLY tired of you!  There are LOTS AND LOTS of men out there who want to pay attention to you - you just have to be ready to receive their attention, which you aren't while you are focusing on this guy.

And this man doesn't love you.  The romantic messages are a tool to get you to keep taking care of him and being his slave.  Don't fall for that charade.  Words are CHEAP.  Actions are what counts.  Seven months into a relationship should be completely and totally all about falling all over yourself for the person you want to be with.  You seem to be doing this for him, in spite of the pain he's causing you, but he ISN"T doing it for you.  He does NOT love you, in spite of his words.  At least not in a way that is sustainable.  This is manipulation.  You are a convenient way to "get some" and for him to sometimes feel good about himself (he must be good if you are willing to take care of him, right?).  Sorry to be so blunt about it.

I would suggest that you are in love with the idea of being in love.  This isn't a put down - this is what happens to a lot of women (it happened to me at your age, too).  We grow up with all of these stories about how a prince will come along and everything will end up happily ever after...and it takes a while to understand that this isn't actually what love is all about.  But until we figure that out, it's easy to be in love with the idea that someone thinks we're special - it gives us stature in a way.  But in this case, though he says he thinks you're special, he's not acting that way.  In romance, the old saying "actions speak louder than words" is actually a pretty good rule of thumb for assessing whether or not what you have is good.

You say you don't have the strength to leave this man.  I'm willing to believe this.  So if you don't have the strength to leave him, rely on others to help you.  Your combined strength should help you escape.  If you have a good relationship with your parents, go to them and ask for help and support.  Ask them to help pay for a therapist who can help you shine a brighter light onto this relationship.  If you can't go to them, go to someone, anyone, who can get you into a therapy relationship (if you're in college, go to the college health services).  I'm sure you'll come to admit its destructive powers when you do.  Spend more time with your friends.  Ask them to check in with you and spend weekend nights with you.  Change your phone number.  Change cities if you must.  Just get away from this guy.

What you are doing is not a positive thing right now.  You say "now I am a carer".  But in fact you AREN'T a carer - because you aren't caring for yourself.  Romantic messages from a guy are a dime a dozen - you just haven't had enough experience to know this yet (when it looked as if my marriage was going to break up three men showed up within a week..trust me, there are LOTS of fish in the sea).  What counts are the romantic messages from a special man who shows you the respect and love - this guy isn't the one.

Your problems are real - and very big.  Please, a big hug to you from all of the mothers on this site, and remember that you are a special person who deserves happiness.  FIGHT for it!  Don't let this man crush who you are and who you could be.