Submitted by Libby on 07/31/2020.
After 38 years of marriage I still struggle with understanding some of the behaviours. One of them is the daily contempt and disgust my DH has for me yet he still expects the perks of marriage. He cannot understand why I no longer want to spend much time with him. He goes from screaming at me to asking me to go out to dinner with him. Never any apologies or explanation for the blow ups. Just carry on as if nothing happened. Does he just forget that he treated me terribly? I cannot just swng along with him with his moods. It's crazymaking.....
Libby, I hear you.
Submitted by jennalemone on
We teach people how to treat us. If there is one thing I can say from experience with ADD H, it is that I wish I would have laid down the laws early in our relationship.... Or C would call them boundaries...right from the start. As it is, for me, I must UN-DO all the habits we have gotten into by me compromising and forgiving and trying to understand him. Granted, we have less to lose here now than I did when I had children at home, but I do wish that I had found the support and confidence in my self to make some boundaries about how H would disrespect me and then suggest I wasn't doing my part of being a wife to him. HE was not being loving to me but I didn't see it. I blamed myself and tried harder to please him. Last week H did not talk to me for 7 days in a row other than to angrily answer my questions with grunts. Now he is cracking jokes expecting me to laugh and play. I totally understand where you are coming from because their rudeness is not in keeping with promises made when we were courting and first married. It is crazy-making and thoughtless. NOW I do not feel bad or get myself into an emotional tither or try to make things better for us or try to get him to talk to me when he acts like this. I ignore him without malice. And do my own thing with determined guts to not make this my problem. I find things to do with friends or hobbies. I stop making food for him. I stop including him in my activities. I don't talk to him. I just let him be his own hateful company. I used to think he will go find other women if I ignored him. If that is how he wants to play the game of love and marriage it is better to let him be and let him show me what kind of rude and thoughtless person he could be. I just let him be himself. I don't like myself when I serve him while he is being selfish. If he comes around, good. If not, at least I know what I am dealing with and have not made a fool of myself catering to his moods and self entitlement. After 38 years of marriage I hope you are giving yourself a break and not feeling badly or blaming yourself about his anger. Put on your hard shell. Say la-de-da in your mind. Let him come to you if he will. If not, don't punish yourself. Don't make a bid deal. Just don't grovel......like I did for 38 years. Imagine the harm we did to our psyches and physical health taking that all in personally all those years!
It is all such a viscious
Submitted by Libby on
It is all such a viscious circle that never seems to end. He claims he is frustrated because I say no to doing things with him. I say no because of the ignorant behaviours. Trying to explain that to him only makes him angrier. There just seems to be such a lack of empathy and social skills. I am bracing myself for when he comes home tonight and wants to know why I don't want to do anything with him. What can I say to make things better for myself?
Re: Confusion
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
Libby,
My ex husband showed the same disgust and contempt for me that you describe. He would fly into these rages over stupid things, yell and scream at me. The next day, he acted like nothing happened, as if he had blacked it out. He seemed baffled that I was tip toeing around him and my eyes were downcast. He fully expected that I would happily serve him as his wife, and was angry when I would avoid him. I never received an apology in the 17 years we were married. I read a book that said there are some men who, after a rage, block it out, and its as if it never happened. Meanwhile the wife is left shell shocked from the fallout.
He only acted nice when he wanted something, usually sex.
Name og book
Submitted by VSH (not verified) on
Hi AdeleS6845
Any chance you can write the name of the book?
Thanks
VSH
Book
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
The name of the book I read is:
Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
by Lundy Bancroft
I'm not an expert, but it seems like a lot of the behaviors from the husband described in this post are not ADHD related but abusive. I say this because my ex-husband did not have ADHD and he used to pull this crap on me all the time. He acted one way, then he'd flip a switch and pretend like it never happened.
C ur self is correct when he says the "why" doesn't matter. I didn't really care why my ex-husband treated me like crap I just wanted it to stop.
It is abusive neglect. What
Submitted by Libby on
It is abusive neglect. What he seems to be looking for is a sex partner ans someone to do big things with him. He is not at all interested in daily communication or companionship. He idoesnt want to hear anything I have to say unless he wants something from me. Just tyoing this out makes me sad.....
WOW
Submitted by VSH (not verified) on
Bought the book on google books yesterday. Started reading. Im flabbergasted. Alot of the pieces are falling into place.
My H wont talk much about his childhood. Ive been looking for "excuses" there. He makes out all the time that im imagining things. He is never angry, hes never in a bad mood. So im the crazy one. One time he accused me of recording our conversation even though i didnt. And he says im crazy.
Thankyou so much for the book tip.
The verbally abusive relationship.
Submitted by VSH (not verified) on
By Patricia Evans. This is a book not about ADHD but about angry and controlling men also.
Im reading it at the moment and it describes my H to a tee.
I always thought the problem was ADHD but thats the least of it.
Hi VHS
Submitted by c ur self on
The spirit that drives each of us, is where we need to be looking...Way to often simple distraction and organization difficulties (add) gets way to much blame for behaviors that are spirit driven....Anger, defiance, threatening behavior, selfishness, control and manipulation attempts, are productions of the spirit that indwells each human....There are many kind, loving, and calm men and women who suffer with the effects of add/adhd....But when we are emotionally involved it's almost impossible for the spouse to step back and face this reality...There are women (and men) who subject themselves to verbal, physical and emotional abuse for years...Because they refuse to accept the reality of what's right in front of them.....Add is just something that gives us hope, something to blame instead of the person producing the evil....
I hope the book is beneficial for you...Blessings
c
Why why why?
Submitted by VSH (not verified) on
I feel like im reading about my own life ladies, when I read your imput.
Im in the 4th year of my relationship and I've experienced all the things you have with your partners.
Someone once told me that ADHD is no excuse for bad behaviour.
Why do our partners feel "entitled" to treat us badly and then just seem to carry on as if nothing has happened?
Is that the ADHD?
At the moment Im doing my best to set boundries before its too late. Im told I answer him back and that I don't respect him, but I tell him I'm not a child and that I have my own opinion about things. Sometimes he stops talking to me but I just carry on as if nothing has happened until he comes around.
I don't know if that's the right thing to do but I've gone from being scared of him to not caring if he throws a tantrum. I tell him to stop acting like a 5 year old and that I can't discuss with him when hes in a mood.
I don't know if I'll still be with him in a year or not. I don't think I can hold out the next 30 years. Im 59 and had hoped that my life was peaceful at this stage. Is that too much to ask for?
When I read your experiences I think how fantastic you all are staying in your relationships for so long.
I wish you all more peace and joy in your lives from now on.
yes why why why
Submitted by Desparate-Exhausted on
I feel like my sanity is threatened at this point. Yet at age 72, not sure getting out is even an option. Help me Jesus.
Libby
Submitted by VSH (not verified) on
Libby
Getting out is always an option.
Its nothing to do with age.
You should talk to someone you can trust and discuss what your options are.
The main reason we dont do anything is we are afraid to.
Therefore you should find some help and support.
Hi Libby...
Submitted by c ur self on
I think we all live with questions...The blow ups, and other hurtful behaviors, the no apologies etc...But I've come to realize the why's don't really matter...We spend our lives asking why, but as we learn the reasons, it doesn't make any difference...We can't change our spouses, so to know why doesn't help....
I'm convinced it's our own responsibility to care for ourselves...And most of us don't do a very good job of that, allowing ourselves to be subjected to behaviors that create trauma in us....This statement of yours, (I'm trying to decide what to say when he wants to know why I don't want to do anything with him tonight) is a common mind set for those of us in a relationship that is toxic...
Any time we have to spend our time premeditating our words or thoughts because of fear of what might be said or done (usually because it happens so often) we probably aren't enjoying our lives....Try not saying anything, he will understand your quietness better than you think...He knows how he acts...But he just hasn't been convinced that it's completely unacceptable yet....
Force accountability by non-participation...He has learned it's ok to not respect you, he has learned to flip everything and place the blame on you...People like my wife and your husband are expert manipulators....Most self absorbed minded people, who refuse to see themselves are...Your thinking ownership, they are not!...You loose if you get in the typical war of words....We must be ok w/ the silence...They only learn when it's silent....Please take care of yourself, YOU are important....
Prayers and blessings sent your way!
c
Libby
Submitted by Brindle on
Libby, I'm glad you can't just swing along with his moods. It's a sign that you know something is wrong and that you're not ok with it. It's a healthy thing.
One thing I have learned is that some people really do expect there to be no consequences to their actions. Some people expect a full harvest without having to give good care to the crop. You might be living with such a person. And trying to reason with such a person is a fool's errand. Yes, crazy-making.
I hope you will find a therapist, if you don't already have one. Ask them for help with drawing boundaries with these damaging behaviors. But also... if you do draw boundaries, is there any part of you that's afraid he will physically hurt you? If so, I recommend you tell the therapist that so you can get wise help.