I feel like I have been tossed out of a boat into the ocean, I don't know what way is up and I cant get air!  

Two days ago the dh (diagnosed with ADHD about a month or so ago) gave me blank divorce papers to fill out so I could have my "option to get out".  We talked and I told him I didn't want out...I wanted to fix what was wrong and be happy again.  Fast forward to yesterday...he had an interview with the army recruiter (he knows that I don't want him to go in the army), that he didn't tell me about until I saw the number on the caller ID and asked him about it.  He claimed he had told me (we did discuss the army thing in the context of he wanted to divorce me and join the army to start over, but nothing about an interview)about it the day before and I was trying to start a argument.  I just walked away because I didn't want to argue AGAIN!  So last night we are sitting on the deck, talking about friends of ours that have come and gone, and he is telling me all the stuff his one friend is pulling on his girlfriend and how he (my dh) doesn't get why.  We end up on the subject of my dh leaving and he tells me that he has tried to leave 1000 times, he has lied about me to others, turned molehills into mountains and tried to "sell himself as the good guy" to get rid of me and that the divorce papers are actually the third set he has gotten but the only set hes ever given me.  He goes on to tell me he loves me to death and that every time he tries to go he gets pulled back, he described it like being pulled by a magnet or a drug.  He actually told me that it would be easier to quit smoking than leave me and that if he ever really did he would need a "twelve step plan and a 28 day program".  So we start talking about all the shit he has pulled and he tells me that its my fault that he did that stuff, cause if I hadn't been so hard to live with he wouldn't have had to try and get out!!!  And that I needed to stop trying to fix our relationship because it wasn't broken even if I thought it was.  To which I responded that my reactions were 95% because of what he was that ended the conversation because he got mad and told me we were done talking.

Add that to the fact that he got his laptop yesterday and I'm not allowed to even touch it.  He got angry with me when I sat on the couch next to him, because I "was trying to see what he was doing".  In all reality there is only two places to sit in our living room (its only 10x12), the couch or the computer chair and I cant see the TV from the computer chair.  Do I think the laptop is a bad idea? YES  Have I told him that? NO

I'm soooo confused!!  I just want to be that too much to ask for??????  I know counseling would help but he is totally against us going together, so I continue to see my counselor.  Haven't made to much progress with that, I don't think its the right fit...we have very different ideas about where the issues are and what I should be working on.  I apologize for my excessive amount of posts lately (I just realized how many there have been)...I know it probably makes me sound like a whiny child, and I'm really not trying to be.  Feel free to tell me to shut up if I'm getting to be to much.

Everyone have a great day :)  ~~HUGS~~