Consistant inconsistancy

Feelings.  Emotions.  Holidays.  Family.  Consistency, or rather my own expectations and hopes of consistency. 

One sure thing I have realized, in my day to day living, there is consistent inconsistency.   

I am trying to sort out stuff this morning - emotions?  Feelings? Does it really matter which is which?  What happened to spark such internal discord in the pit of my stomach this morning. . . . . . . .

The holidays are upon us.  I am doing all I believe I can to respect my spouse in what he wants to participate in and what he does not want to participate in for holiday events.  I am trying to make the best of the holiday season. . . .yet I am missing something.  I made the usual holiday calendar.  I share upcoming events with my spouse, then write them on the calendar.  I have shared with him that I understand his difficulty in attending family stuff, and asked to let me know if there is anything he wants to attend.  Otherwise, I will just believe he chooses NOT to participate.  

That is sorta backfiring on me.  I really do not like the not knowing.  Sounded good in theory.  It leaves me feeling life a doormat.  Walk all over me if you want. . . . . . . .

I AM TRYING.  To have joy and fun wth my friends and family.  And not pretend, and not be fake.  And just let stuff be.

I guess an emotional word picture of my difficulty would be:  Picture someone trying to sit and enjoy the peace and quiet while ignoring the 15 loud lawn mowers and tractors and race cars and motorcycles going around and around and around the house. . . . . . . . .  

It ain't woking.

I am unable to imagine away the tension.  I am unable to pretend away the tension.  I am unable to focus on Liz and her own stuff. I remember and believe and have experiened many communication traps into which I do NOT want to step.  The real trick is getting my mind in the place where I clearly see and believe in my own heart that the choices I am making are what's best for me.  Not in a selfish way.  Not in an "I'll show you.  I am gonna be HAPPY in spite of what is going on around me."  Nor can I be oblivious to what is really going on in my home.  

I certainly do not want to crack unter the stress and strain.  I certainly do not want to enable poor behavior.  I certainly do not want to feel disrespected nor disreguarded.  

I need some definite directions to practice what I preach.  It is the holidays, can't we just put aside our differences for a few weeks - - or days - - - or even hours.?  

Is it name it an claim it?  Like saying out loud  "The tension is so thick around here I can cut it with a knife."  

I feel disrepected by the silence.  I feel disrepected when I wake up, and am home alone.  

It is really difficut to know what my actions should be?  Really.  Ignore it?  Scream at the top of my lungs?  

Well, I think I will go scream our my frustrations for a while. The goal in that - release the tension.

Thinking that may be the answer for now,