My mother in law and step daughter came down for the weekend, and it was awesome to see them. I am SUPER lucky in that I adore my Mother in Law... like for real. She is a total soul mate :-D. I often joke that I married my husband just to have her and my step daughter in my life, and that is not far from the truth.
This weekend was nice, we had some long talks. She knows where things are between us, as I have talked to her before and she knows everything going on. It was so good to have her validate things for me, and made me feel that things will be OK with us, even though my marriage to her son is ending. She knows that I truly love him, and knows that the things he thinks (like I am controlling him, that he is broken etc) arent true. She thinks he is going to have to really hit bottom before he wakes up and finally decides - if he ever DOES decide to take control of his life and ownership of his future.
She asked me an interesting question. She asked me - what would a "perfect" *husband's name* be like.
I thought about it for a bit, I ran through my mind everything thing that bothered me, what i can live with, what I couldnt etc. And it all boiled down to one, single, critical thing.
*****My perfect *husband's name* would not threaten me with leaving every time there was a crisis, a fight, a disagreement etc. He stand up, be a grown man and be able to have conflict, talk to me, work on things WITH me, and NOT run out and away every time. *****
Thats is. Thats all I would change. (other than changing what happened to him - and she said with out being able to change the past :-) Because if I could, I would alter his whole life, and remove all the bad things that happened to him. I would give everthing I have and give everything I am if I could do that. Sad thing is - he CAN wipe it out, but it will take work and he is essentially afraid to do it).
My husband and I are perfect for eachother. We have very specific hobbies that if you arent into it - then it certainly can cause a problem. We share the same love of Sci-Fi/Action etc, and the same dislikes of so many things. We have the same taste in movies and in most music. We have the same political ideals, and the same ideas about money (even though he doesnt know how to MANAGE money and how to reach them, he agrees with me on financial goals etc). He loves animals like I do, we have fun together. We appreciate the same kind of humor. There is NOTHING I would change about his personality (the real him, not the mask he puts on when he withdraws). He is funny, kind, brave, strong, gentle, loving, sweet, thoughtful, considerate, honest, and helpful. The kind of person I try to be. He is not violent, he is not a whiner, he is UNBELIEVABLY smart... his intelligence is staggering. We can talk about everything from what a Roman soldier wore in 350 AD Britain to the current theories in physics and latest scientific discoveries. We can laugh at silly youtube videos together and think an ideal way to spend the day is laying on the beach with a Coronoa. We both want to go to the same events, and we are different enough to keep things interesting. He loves football - I dont, but I have fun watching a game with him because HE has fun. I enjoy going to the opera, and while we havent gone together - he says he would like to. I brought certain types of music to his life, he brough certain types of music to my life. To my eyes - who he really is - is nothing short of perfect.
Every single thing else is something we could face together - any problems and issues which in the big picture - is minimal... Our disagreements are pretty small when they arent related to him completely flipping out and wanting to run away. We faced some major stuff early on, and came out together in the end. There are problems he has, and problems *I* have as well - but nothing that we could not work together to resolve as long as we did it with honesty, respect and with out threats.
Every single issue that I have regarding him is rooted in not being able to trust him to be there for me. I am not afraid of his ADHD quirks, I am not afraid of the lack of intimacy and struggles that his CSA causes (even untreated, because he will work on recovery when he is ready). NONE of that scares me, or makes me want to leave him. That constant threat of leaving me is literally the ONLY REASON I cannot fight any more for my marriage. He says he feels controlled - but he is the one doing the controlling. NO MORE though... NO MORE.
But those threats... when he said "I only want to be married when I am in a good mood"..... that was a threat of control, a threat of abandonment if he didnt get what he wants. That was him telling me that I will NEVER be good enough and worth it to him, because I cannot be responsible or control his happiness - only he can, and he refuses to do what it takes to become a truly happy person.
So I told her, and I think she saw all the pain in that for me. Abandonment is where my hurt is. That is the absolute, biggest fear I have in my life. I was neglected and abandoned when I was a kid, I was by those who said they were my friends, by so many and it really affected me - which is why I have worked hard in therapy to get past those fears and work on trusting him to be there. And I did it. I put my trust and faith into that, and he destroyed it with that phrase. I think I really thought that we would get through anything if we stuck together. I mean, I still believe that. But my faith that he wont abandon me is gone. And it would take a miracle for me to believe in him again.
This isnt an anger post or a frustration post - just a sad post. I am sad that I finally found it in me to believe, to have faith. He looked me right in the eyes last year - said no matter what, our future was together. He said he KNEW it would be hard, and that he would be scared and that there would be times we didnt like eachother and he made me promise that I would never threaten to leave when we fought. (even though I have NOT done that, I have only acquiesced to his demands that HE wanted to leave). And then as soon as a crisis comes, he is running out the door again. I am sad that the first test of his loyalty, and of that faith he was supposed to have in ME he threw me away.
Have any of you experienced this? The constant threat of "I am leaving you" when things get hard?