I've been with my boyfriend over a decade now. We found out he has ADHD a few years ago but he doesnt like taking the drugs for it. He said they made his heart race and he didn't like it.
The problem at the moment is that we are getting older and I want to buy a house and start a family soon. We are getting married as well and I thought that would be the start of a bit of a chain that would get us into a settled family life. For years now one of his big ADHD traits has been impulsiveness without action. What I mean is that over and over again he will come up with crazy plans about what he wants to do with his life but then does nothing about it, then later blames me and says I held him back because of my job/friends/lifestyle. He says he hates his job so he wants to move abroad and start a random business but he has no plan. I feel like Ive tried everything - being supportive of this stuff because I dont want to seem like I dont care but then nothing ever happens about it. Its a cyce and now I just won't entertain the conversation any more and then we argue that he says I dont care about his dreams or believe in him and resents me for "holding him back". This did stop for a while but over the last week he has had an argument with his new boss and its now all being dragged up again. I should say that we are also half way through planning our wedding and he now is saying he wants to move abroad and start a business or "take a year out" and travel but again theres no plan.
I thought as we are planning our wedding things might be different now. He might grow up and stop what I cant help but see as childish fantasies but they seem to be getting worse. He has even said things about spending all his (soon to be our) savings from years of hard work on moving abroad and setting up this business and working for himself. This is money I thought would go to our first home.
I dont think he realises (or maybe doesnt care) how much this effects my mental health. I find the cycle of suddenly wanting to pack up our whole life and spend all our money on a whim very destabilizing even if it has been a long term thing he wants. I dont know whether we're settling down to have a family or packing our bags and moving abroad and it hurts me that he cant see thats hard for me. At the same time it feels like if I don't support these whims, I am being a horrible unsupportive partner who doesn't believe in him. I just cant pretend to support something I know he will have got over in a few weeks but also that I definitely dont want. I wish he could understand that every time he does this it pushes me a little further away. I need security in my life emotionally and financially and is a real struggle for me.
Strings attached
Submitted by adhd32 on
A boundary I set for myself is that I listen to the crazy scheme and ask questions rather than outright declare it is not workable. What's your plan for housing? Are non citizens allowed to work in said country? Are you allowed to stay longer than 90 days without being employed and sponsored by a company. Most other countries do not allow foreigners to work, how will he support himself? Give him some goals and see how dedicated he is to reaching them. Have him come up with a solid 6 month plan of how his idea will work with specific bullet points for each month. (ie month one- research immigration, month two- how to establish a business in said country (what is his business if he is allowed to work) month three figure logistics of physically moving to another country where you don't know the customs (assuming one and two are a go) if he can get that far maybe he can be successful at getting to the finish line. From my experience my H can't manage to get past task one. Consider that ADHD is permanent, things will get better and worse but it is always there. You cannot change him, that's his deal. Don't marry him unless he works on himself ( boundary). If he refuses, move on, you have your answer.
You have seen and lived with the chaos; it will get worse
Submitted by Will It Get Better on
As marriage and children intensify the demands on you and your prospective husband there is a very great chance that your prospective husband will not 'rise to the occasion' but rather become dramatically less reliable. Read through the experiences of people on this site that have spent their entire adult lives trying to get their partner to be reasonable and supportive. You are looking at extreme risk. Being nice will make no difference.
Don't do it.
Submitted by Haveaniceday on
I have, and am still living this scenario you describe (although there were extenuating circumstances that led to both our international moves, and im not sad that we did - just sad that i didnt trust my gut on the finer details!). Your cautiousness and objectivity are spot on. Don't put yourself at risk by being the nice guy, and being supportive of his dreams, if he can't get through the steps mentioned in the previous comments. if you need stability and security, make sure you hang on to that for yourself. Once you're in a foreign country, with kids, and an ADHD spouse, the frustrations you have now will seem small in comparison to what could await. Don't get me wrong, travel and living abroad can be amazing, but you WILL shoulder much more responsibility than what is fair...
Same here
Submitted by mpress on
Exactly- this is where I am. I wish he could understand that every thing he does that is immature or irresponsible or reckless, careless, drives me further away. I also have come to realize how important security is, emotionally and physically and financially, etc. I am at the end of my rope (after 27 yrs) and am working on/ towards getting my life back by getting away from him (baby steps). I have such a huge lists of what I would gain from getting out of this relationship. He is not capable of change or humilty or introspection. Recipe for disaster.
Please consider this carefully
Submitted by Swedish coast on
I would hate for you to be stuck with children and married to this man, watching his ability decline further with age and added responsibilities.
Please consider very carefully if you should make a lifelong commitment to him.
Seek counseling before you marry
Submitted by swampyankee on
This pattern won't get better once you are married, and it is far easier to get married than it is to get divorced. If he is blaming you now for "holding him back" having kids and more obligations will make him even more miserable and you resentful.