Once I saw my boyfriends extensive and pretty raunchy porn viewing it sent me into a fear-laced state of physical shock. I immediately assumed that our sex life was waning after about five months because he had lost interest in what I would consider sex to be within my wheelhouse. I was naive, no doubt about the extensive use of Internet porn in society today. I made the mistake of bringing what i had seen to his attention. He was so embarrassed, I was devastated that this gentleman i had already fallen for and had placed on such a pedestal had this type of desire that I knew I would never live up to. There are a myriad of issues I know with what I just wrote that stem entirely from me - but I digress. He blamed what I had seen on his then 16 year old son. he didn't realize how much I hated lying and knew he was and also didn't realize that back then I could easily find the cookies and the time/date stamps on the sites only to see/prove that he was viewing the porn when his son wasn't in the house.
The lying - then began lies about very inappropriate emails to a woman who he claimed was a crazy liar herself. I found the emails, again by accident when he left his AOL email account open I just went in to "surf". Even when faced with the evidence he tried to convince me I didn't understand that they were just joking around. I know from joking around and I know that I would never write the kinds of emails with another man if i were in love or in a relationship with him. For nearly three years issues of trust - because if his lying - have plagued and scarred out relationship which I now have a growing indifference for.
We've lived togther for pretty much 2 1/2 years of our three year relationship. His outbursts of irrational anger and the immature things he says as well as the near total lack of intimacy and even cuddling have worn me down and left me feeling alone and broken myself. But I'm not - and now that I have found this site and all of these wonderful, strong people sharing their stories I hope to find me way.