Conundrum;  A paradoxical, insoluble, or difficult problem; a dilemma:

I tend to start a new post only when I'm struggling.  And I tend to really struggle on the weekend.  Yeah, there's a connection.

A comment from a friend led me to re-read the comments people have posted in response to comments I've posted.  And that review led me to my journals.  And all this led me to realize the "nut" of my situation.

My ADD guy is at his most easy-going, optimistic, motivated, i.e. happy when I am doing my best to be patient, understanding, self-sufficient, and "let things go."  Well, duh, of course, that's easy to understand.  Unfortunately, my reading tells me this is also when I am most despairing, ignored, confused, and pessimistic.  So I kinda feel like I must be a phony.  A boob.  A patsy.  Lying to myself.

My guy is at his most distant, oppositional, sarcastic, irritated, stone-walling, i.e. not a nice guy when I am doing my best to express my needs, not be a doormat, coaching him to communicate and share his time with me... I've picked up from the friend and the reading that I might not "stick up for myself" enough, or very effectively.  So I kinda feel crappy there, too.  Do I believe too much in the aphorism " do you want to be right or do you want to be married?"  Isn't there any balanced place between nothing and something?