Does anyone else recognise these conversations? (or similar)
HUBBY:- Lets take the grandkids out tomorrow for the day, To my favourite seaside beach,
ME: But its a 3 hours drive. Oldest Grandchild is 10 and recently diagnosed with type 1 diabetes so needs to have lots of his stuff wiith him at all times.I think his Mum would worry because its so soon since he was diagnosed. Youngest one gets very tired...she's used to going to bed really early and we would be back really late. Middle one has autism. Does not like change very much, dosn't like crowds. gets impatient and dosn't sleep in the car .They ALL get car sick.
HUBBY: Nonsense, ALL kids sleep in the car, you just put them in and they sleep.
ME: I just know what their Mum has told me.
HUBBY: Oh well, if you are looking for excuses you have them all right there. No-one ever wants to go where I want to go,
Or how about?..
ME: (feeling groggy after just waking from nap on the sofa) Oh.....how long have I been asleep? Its getting late
HUBBY:( angrily pulling on his coat) Yes it IS late I told you I was hungry over an hour ago. I'm going to get a take away,
ME: But all you had to do was start cooking supper and then wake me
HUBBY:Well I don't do that, I'm off to buy some food,
He stomps off as if I have committed a crime.
Just one more
ME: So have you been ok while I was at the hen party weekend?
HUBBY: Alright I suppose
ME: I see that he rubbish I sorted into black bags to take to the rubbish tip is still in the hall
HUBBY: Yes, well you know me, if I'm not interested in a thing, then I won't do it. I'll do it when I'm ready.
ME: We could go tomorrow
HUBBY: I don't work like that, planning what I do. I go when I am ready.
PLEASE tell me that I am not the only one who has conversation like these. If you do, how on earth do you cope? I sometimes want to tear my hair out by the roots.
Definitely the first conversation
Submitted by Brindle on
Yes, my H does that kind of thing. And when I point out the reasons his plan won’t work, I get told how I ruin all his plans or how I just to have things my way.
Edited to add: Ooh, I thought of another. If someone wants something differently than he does, he gets pouty and says something like “God forbid I should ever get to do what I want to do.”
It’s not all an ADHD thing. It is also immaturity that is very unattractive in an older man.
I feel you mccheeky....
Submitted by c ur self on
The first is a manipulation attempt by him, not a two way adult conversation...The way you tell a conversation attempt from a manipulation attempt is how it started, and his attitude....He didn't throw out a thought, and ask you thoughts about it...He through out a suggestion looking for one answer (Yes), and unless he got a yes, nothing else you could say was going to be ok....It's called either I control things to feed my dopamine addiction (no matter who we involve) or I'm going to be a pitiful victim....In the first example you tried to point out real facts about the distance, and the kids age and issues...He wasn't listening, he was only looking for a Yes....
The second example show's he is spoiled, lazy and immature...(IMO) again, nothing you could have said would have helped, unless maybe if you jumped up and catered to him....But that would have just feed his refusal to take responsibility....So I hope you let him feed himself....Poor baby..lol...
example 3...Just more victim crap....He's showing you who's boss...lol....
We don't have to much of that any more....I finally set her down and explained to her that if I do anything for her, it's for one reason, and one reason only..."Love" Because I love you....Just a few days ago, she got up late (as usual) and was rushing around trying to get ready, and ask me if I would mind fixing her a sandwich...I didn't say anything, I just got up and fixed her a sandwich...But when i walked into the kitchen, I looked at her and asked her why do you think I agreed to do fix this sandwich?...She immediately blurted out.."Because I got up late"....I just stared at her....and then said wrong!...And she said "Oh, it's because you love me"...I've told her, and will continue to reiterate it... I feel no obligation to ever help you get ready, when you intentionally lay in bed hitting snooze for 30 or 40 minutes...LOL...WE, and I mean WE as in ME ;)....All have to learn the least we say the better, to a person who lives in that kind of mind...(If we want to force accountability, and stay out of useless arguments, that wasn't an issue for us, until we opened our mouth thinking they are capable of SEEING life in a rational way, when addictive urges are crying out inside them)
A spoiled victim only wants one thing...What ever benefits them, no matter who they have to use to get the fix...(Same as crack) It don't mean that don't care about you, it don't mean that they can help a lot of it....But, we must recognize those suggestions where there mind is made up before they speak, and anything you question makes you wrong....The way to respond (IMO) to those type suggestions (like your example 1) is one of two ways....1) With a question.." Are you asking my opinion?" " Do you want to discuss it?...Something like that....Where he gets the clear message if you take part, you will have some say in it....Or if it's an off the wall bad idea in your opinion...Keep it very short..."Not interested"....Or "No"...Because the problem is never what they want to push...The communication only goes side ways when you try to talk rationally to someone who has their mind made up, and could care less about your thoughts on the subject....It's like trying to take a bottle away from a wino....There are no words that work!! ;)....
Dopamine is real....My wife told me in one those moments of unfiltered truth...That she had rather be dead, than not seek thrills and rushes...And she pretty much backs it up w/ her pursuit's in life....
blessings
c