This forum has helped me maintain my sanity for years! I haven't posted in years, but I have to vent. Does anyone else experience this? A simple conversation seems to always end in a fight and here's an example:
I came home from work the other day and dh says he's been doing some yard work and pulled up some old landscaping bricks and wondered where I wanted him to put them. I said behind the garage out of sight. Then he said well I see you have others back there in some kind of pattern, do you want me to do the same. I said no it doesn't matter to me as long as they are out of sight. But he kept asking over and over and I kept giving him the same answer- it really doesn't matter as long as they are out of sight. He persisted so long that I finally got frustrated and quit answering him. He then wanted to know what was wrong and I told him that he continually beats a dead horse when it comes to communicating and it is very frustrating. I asked him why he couldn't be satisfied with the answer I gave him. He said because he didn't like my answer. And I said - and there you have it. You just explained our entire communication process.
I just don't understand the constant push, push push in a simple conversation as "where do you want the bricks". This happens with everything that we talk about. He will go on and on and when I get frustrated with him he has no idea why. I used to say Stop, please just stop. But that would make him very angry. So now I just quit talking when he gets repetitive. That seems to confuse him.
That same night he told me that the dog crate I had in the garage was in his way. I asked him where he would like me to put it and he just kept lecturing me about how it was in his way. (Mind you it had been there for over a month). It was like he was looking for something to complain about because he was frustrated with our earlier conversation. He lectured me about that crate to the point that I was crying and hyperventilating. All he had to do was tell me his preferred place to put the crate. I am a very accommodating person. He never did tell me where he wanted me to put the crate.
He told me he keeps his communication with me to a minimum because I always get so frustrated. He doesn't see that he pushes me there. BTW, we've been married 27 years and I truly am exhausted!
3/14/2023 UPDATE: So Dh and I had a long talk about our communication skills and I brought up this brick scenario as an example. HE HAD NO RECOLLECTION OF IT!!! PLEASE HELP ME UNDERSTAND THIS PHENOMENON!
Oh yes!
Submitted by Elliej on
I found the same with my ADHD husband for 18years but never knew why (he is recently diagnosed). Our conversations tend to be me saying something, him disagreeing or saying the opposite, i relent and say "ok", he then says im being sarcastic (im not, im trying to stop the discussion), so i go silent. It erodes your self worth and confidence.
Another example is similar to yours. He asked me a question, and because i didnt give a logical, straight answer (i kept saying i dont know yet), he kept going on. I then snapped and he put all blame on me. Its exhausting.
What will you do?
It’s Maddening!
Submitted by Beachlover68 on
I've been on this train for 29 years with my dh. Had no clue how much ADD or his dysfunctional upbringing was going to affect our marriage until about 8 years in. I call our communication the "crazy cycle" because that's what it feels like. No matter what I say or how I say it, I am criticizing or personally attacking him. If I try to restate another way, it still gets heard as an attack. I have stifled my emotions and thoughts for years; to the point of developing some health issues. I have let so many things go to avoid fights. Yet, I'm always still set up in the bad guy role it seems. I love him dearly, but his lack of ability to deal with my emotions has created a big disconnect. Every single thing is 100% black or 100% white in his world. Wouldn't be great if real life was that simple.
Wow
Submitted by Elliej on
You used the words "personally attacking him"........this made me stop in my tracks. For years my husband said i attack him. I felt like a terrible wife. I kept saying its not a war or battle, im not attacking you. Everything you have said......its like you live in my home. Uncanny x
Oh yes, he constantly says I
Submitted by How Long will t... on
Oh yes, he constantly says I have a "tone" with him. I could say something as simple as please hand me the salt and I have some how said it with a "tone".
Happy these forums can help.
Submitted by FinallyCrushing... on
I've been diagnosed and properly medicating for almost 2 years now and I'm so glad I found this place. It's like when I read it I can see into my past with my wife. Now that I can see what everyone goes through, I can reassess myself, my actions, my feelings... everything.
These days I still get those feelings like my wife is criticizing me, but now I literally talk to myself in my head and just say "shut up, shut up. these feelings are stronger than they should be and they're temporary. wait 10 minutes and reassess. you're almost certainly interpreting others actions incorrectly when your feelings are this strong".
I guess my point is I feel like every husband or wife with ADHD would benefit from reading all of these posts and reflecting on their experiences.
Best of luck to you and everyone here!
I had to laugh...
Submitted by swampyankee on
I've had the very same conversation so many times that devolved because he "didn't like my answer" or in which I'd finally stop talking because he'd keep asking (I guess to get the answer he wanted), or when he'd suddenly get very concerned about the "schedule for the day" because he'd earlier missed an appointment or the placement of a dish because I'd asked him to finally move that box that's been sitting there for a month...
I feel like there should be some kind of database where we can all file these experiences away and then quickly dial them up. "Ah yes, we're having THAT experience again!"
We're only 20 years in...I feel your pain.
I feel your pain
Submitted by Sunshine76 on
I read your post on the edge of my seat as it is these types of interactions that led me here. This is my husband to a T, and not only that but my 13 year old daughter as well. I am coming to grips with fact that they have a mild case of Oppositional Defiant Disorder that is not rational. Your feelings about keeping it rational (what do you want me to do the crate then) clarify the hardship of this disorder. I suggest we read up on it to find out how to deal with them most effectively. If you learn anything, post here as I will be checking and posting as well. Good luck!
ODD
Submitted by Elliej on
This is the first time on this forum someone has mentioned ODD. I also think my husband has this. Deliberately annoying people, easily angered, refusing to comply (he states you will never change me. I am who i am). Interesting
Not sure what to attribute my ex's symptoms to
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
My ADHD ex husband definitely liked to be on the opposite side of others in conversation--seemingly just for the high he got from arguing. He also liked to be in defiance of social norms, including by not holding a legitimate job. He really got something out of beating "the system" (e.g. not paying taxes when all the other 'suckers' were). He would also deliberately annoy me, our daughter and sometimes others and seemed very happy after he'd upset someone. He'd calm right down as the other person would get upset and then blame them for being emotional or overreacting. I chalked it up to ADHD and unconsciously seeking that dopamine hit. Could have been ODD though, as you've suggested! Regardless of the label, once I finally caught on to this pattern, I deliberately stayed very calm no matter how much he tried to get an argument going. Sometimes he'd push the right button and I'd lose it, of course, but I tried very hard not to play the game. As our daughter got older, I could also teach her to do this too. She could see that he was trying to instigate, and she wouldn't give him what he wanted, even at age 10. It's tough though. People can call that a "boundary" because I exerted control over the part I could, which was my reaction... but to me, it was really just me twisting into a pretzel and suffering again to survive unacceptable behavior.
You definitely live in
Submitted by How Long will t... on
You definitely live in survival mode while you are in their company!
Eye opening
Submitted by Sal on
I am finding this all very interesting. I am the one with undiagnosed ADHD but clearly see myself in this scenario and in the comments. How to stop the ODD and black or white thinking?! I am not doing these things on purpose so beyond medication which is not something I can tolerate what else can you do?
Black and White thinking
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
One of the most effective ways to stop black and white thinking (as well as catastrophizing and self-negativity) is to work with a Cognitive Behavioral Therapist for a while (known as CBT). Perfect for this particular issue.