I have read so many posts here over the past couple of days and so many of them could have been written by me that's it's scary and at the same time a big relief just to have a possible answer to these multiple problems.
We have been married for nine years, we have an eight year old daughter and five year old son together, I have a 17 year old son from my first marriage and my husband has a 16 year old son from his first marriage. All children live with us. I'm 35 and my husband is 43.
Over the past 2-3 years my relationship with him as well as his relationship with his son and my son have gone to pot. Last week I had to make him leave the house and stay with his mom because I just couldn't take another minute of it. The problems we are dealing with are for one, anger. He has the worst temper, never physically violent but verbally a nightmare. Anything or nothing can set him off. The name calling is the worst, I think because he knows that it makes me the angriest. Another really bad problem is his impulsive behavior, he's a gambler, loves playing poker, buying lottery tickets and taking risks in general. One other large problem, the one thats driving us to financial disaster is his spending. He can no longer be trusted with his own checking account, I have to be responsible for all bills, he doesn't seem to worry about anything, really lives for the moment. He's been known to steal my card from my wallet and make large cash withdrawals without even telling me, it gets me so upset and when I confront him he tries to turn it around on me by saying I am trying to control him, when I am only trying to spend wisely and make sure we can pay our bills.
I read a post where someone was talking about there husbands driving and I thought, "wow, I really could have written that word for word" it really makes me nervous and has caused many many problems, I don't see what this has to do with adhd but my husband is a terribly wreckless driver. The thing that bothers me most is why he would be so wreckless with me or my children in the car, he's been known to get into altercations with other drivers on the highway, sliding in and out of traffic, coming very close to causing accidents because he has become enraged by another driver, so much so that he fails to realize he has taken other's lives into his own hands with no regard. When I confront him it always turns into an argument, to the point that I try to just not say anything and deal with it to avoid the confrontation.
At home everyone walks on eggshells. He can get very verbally abusive, at times he has called my oldest son an f'ing bastard and other horrible things. My son has learned to ignore most of what he say's and not take it personally but it hurts me so much knowing that I am the one that is putting up with this behavior. He has also been very rude to my parents, to the point they don't like to visit, at one point he actually kicked them out of the house, and they live 600 miles away.
He has a drinking problem that only makes matters worse. He normally tries to hide his drinking but it's obvious when he's drinking. He becomes louder and rambles on, lots of foul language and I can't stand the cussing, I'm certainly no saint. I have fit's of rage myself where I say a lot of things that I don't mean but I didn't use to be this way, which is why I had to make him leave for a while. I don't want to turn into a sour person, I feel like he is making me someone I don't want to be, even though realistically I know that nobody controls you except you. I really feel like I'm losing it. I've become really depressed, staying in bed a lot, very tired all the time and I don't know why. I certainly don't know how to fix this.
Since my husband left I turned to the internet to try and learn what could be wrong with him, he has been seeing a dr, physciatrist, he does realize he has a problem. They put him on cymbalta which doesn't seem to have helped at all. He is normally a very energetic person, he likes to be doing something, he doesn't sit still for long, but since he's been on the cymbalta he has become more tired, sleeping in late. He isn't working right now, he is retired from the marine corps but since getting out in 2007 he hasn't been able to hold down a job for more than six months at a time, he seems to start out great but loses interest quickly. He also has always had a problem with not finishing a project. He has a really bad problem with decided he wants to do something, spending money on it then never doing it at all or when he does start something he never wants to clean up afterwards, he will leave ladders out, packaging something came in, stuff like that. I'm very thorough so maybe that's just me being overly organized but he is not organized at all. His tools can be found all around the house, from the garage to the kitchen and also the laundry room.
Another topic I'd like to touch on is communication. He and I cannot talk about anything, I mean nothing. If there is a bill that's due or an urgent situation it always turns into an argument. All I want is to talk, I believe brain storming can solve problems but he does not feel that way, he want to ignore it until the problem is so far out of control it demands attention or like a car will be repossessed. If I try to bring up anything important, I'm nagging him. I hate being viewed this way, it certainly not the way I ever viewed my marriage would turn out.
I read a little bit about the hyperfocus? and I don't have a complete understanding of what exactly it means but I believe it's happening now. He is very focused on coming home and repairing our marriage, vowing he will change. This conversation has happened a million times over but never once has anything ever changed, they are only getting worse.
I know you all don't know me or my husband but from what you've read do you believe this could be adhd? He is seeing his dr on Tuesday to talk about adhd is there anything I should know before he sees the dr?
I'm glad this site is here, it may very well be the beginning of getting the right kind of help, I hope so.
I don't mean to make him seem all bad, he has his good side too. he is a very caring person underneath all of this and I'd like to get him back to normal if it's at all possible. One can only take so much of this though.
Thanks for any advise.