Coping with extreme negativity in ADHD spouse

Hi all,

This is my first time posting on this forum.  I finally registered instead of just reading because I need someone to talk to besides my family and friends.  It's not fair to dump on them all the time, although they have tried many times over the years to help me.  The recommendation from them for years has been to leave him, even though they like him as a person.  I haven't called it quits yet for a variety of reasons, but I'm seriously reconsidering now because I'm not getting any younger and I honestly feel like things will never change.  In fact, they only seem to be getting worse instead of improving.  I read all of your posts and wonder how the heck some of you are managing to keep going with your spouses or significant others when I just feel like giving up.  Because I find some of his behavior almost unbearable after so many years of it now.  Many of you seem to have situations as bad or worse than I have.  How can we (you) even stay in love with people who literally drive us nuts so much of the time, much less coexist peacefully or live worthwhile lives in these circumstances?

My husband of 15 years was diagnosed with ADHD for the first time two months ago.  He is now on Adderall as well as Lexapro, is seeing a good counselor weekly, and has laid off drinking (not sure how long that will last - it seems the Adderall reduced his alcohol cravings, knock on wood).  However, he is still perpetually miserable about almost every single aspect of his life, and has been that way for a long time, although I'd say he is getting worse as he gets older.  He hates every job he has ever had, including the current one.  He has spent years trying to "figure out" what he wants to do for a job, to no avail.  He can't stand the town we live in, the culture here, or any of the people (he did the same thing in the town we lived in 8 years ago, where we lived when we met).  We own a house we're upside down on, so we can't move.  I have one daughter from a previous marriage, but none with him.  We have many pets we love a lot, one of the only things that still binds us together.  I have a really good job here, he does not (but never did anyway).  He very rarely says anything nice or complimentary to me and is rarely pleased or happy about anything in life.  Our reason for marrying was basically the time we spent outdoors together and shared interest in politics, music, and the environment.  Over time these things have diminished in importance.  He was kind and affectionate at the very beginning, but now is distant emotionally, sexually blah (I do try to stay fit and take care of myself)-- all the other things I read from some of you here.   I think the sex issues are complicated and stem from resentment on both sides, as well as his ADHD inability to put any effort into things.  He is neat and clean, he helps with our pets and helps keep the chores up, and he helps pay the bills.  That's about it.  I would have liked to get some of our old bonded feelings back, but no matter how much I try to talk to him about this, a day or two will go by and it's back to the same old thing.  He is literally not interested or capable of understanding what it means to have a marriage.  And yet, he doesn't leave!  I feel he is obsessed with his unhappiness, to the point that he cannot function as a partner in a relationship the majority of the time.  I also feel like my life is slipping away from me and that he only wants me around as a security blanket and a place to take out his frustration at his ADHD, his job failures, and his dissatisfaction with life.  I call myself the "human TP".  I tried for years to coach him and support him (different jobs, educational goals).  Nothing worked, and now the counselor is trying the same thing.  Good luck to him, I couldn't do it, although back then my husband wasn't on Adderall and wasn't aware he had ADHD.  I am constantly losing my temper with my spouse and am unhappy and stressed out beyond belief, more than I have been for years.  I don't like the person I've become as a result of this situation and I don't like him about 85% of the time.  It's terrible to say all that, but that's how bad things have gotten.

Does anyone else have to deal with the ultra-negativity and the blaming?  I assume it is an ADHD coping mechanism that might be commonplace.  Is there really a way to live with this and be happy, for either one of us?  And am I right to think nothing is ever going to change, and should I just face up to that as a given and make my decision based on that sad reality.