This is my first time posting. This site seems like a lifeline right now. I don’t have anyone else in my life that understands what it’s like to be married to someone affected by this disorder.
My husband is able to “hyper focus” and has achieved considerable educational and professional success as a doctor. But when he’s not working he wants to “turn off his brain” and be free from responsibility or the drudgery of everyday life. He just wants things to be “easy,” “light,” and “fun.” He feels as though he’s earned this right because of how hard he works and how much money he makes (the money part is new—we’ve been together almost 15 years and I’ve financially supported us through most of that time while he was in school and training). I try to take what I can off of his plate (but I work full time as well), and hire help to make up for his absenteeism (of the mental and physical variety). But it’s a lonely existence, and the difficulties have compounded since our first child was born last year. Deep down he knows he has ADD/ADHD, and he takes RX meds to help him focus at work (and downers so he can sleep at night after taking those uppers, so I’m on baby duty all night every night). Has never been to a psychiatrist or therapist for treatment. But because society sees him as this super smart, successful doctor, he feels like doesn’t really have a problem. I’m having trouble getting through to him, and I hate how this situation makes him view me as a needy, nagging, Debbie Downer. I’m afraid we aren’t going to make it.
Any words of advice?
Make yourself a priority
Submitted by Hopeful Heart on
I also have a successful, hyper-focused, adhd husband. My first piece of advice to you would be to make yourself a priority and take care of yourself. If you have access to outside help, use it. If you have extended family and friends that are willing to help you, take their help. Because there is a possibility that your high achieving husband will never turn his attention to you or your health and well-being.
Ive been married to my hyper focused husband for almost 24 years. We have had many unfortunate and difficult situations that left me with no outside support systems to deal with a very chaotic daily life. After more than two decades Of chaos and nonstop stress, my body just gave out. At this point in my life, my health is ruined.
We all need physical, mental, and emotional support. I hope you’ll learn from my mistakes and take care of yourself.
Thank you
Submitted by balltobe on
Thank you so much for your reply. I’m so sorry about your health. I hope you have some opportunities for self care now. I’ve always seen myself as a self sufficient person and a caretaker and I think that approach has taken its toll because no one is taking care of me. I really need to lean on friends and family for support . Your comment about your chaotic daily life resonated with me too. We’ve had an unconventional lifestyle with no kids, grad school/residency, 100 hour/week jobs, military deployments, etc. and I think I let that excuse our lack of any semblance of a routine for a long time. I’ve enforced a routine for the baby and it’s been a tough adjustment for him, but helped me recognize that I really needed it.
Balltobe, high achiever husband also
Submitted by dedelight4 on
Hi. Glad to have you here. My husband is also a high energy, hyperkinetic guy with a PhD in Music, and got straight A's all through his educational years. But, at home, it's been very different. He wouldn't spend any time with me or our daughters, and if he did, it was on his terms. He would be on his computer from the moment he got home, until he decided to go to bed, which was usually around 3:00am.
He said he "had" to do this, but I know differently. Our sex life became nonexistent after a few years, (his choice) we couldn't ever seem to develop an intimate relationship. Or, one that most folks would call "intimate". His time was " his" time, not ours. And, no amount of explaining, or talking, or even crying could get him to see how lonely I was.
We are both 61 now, and he was diagnosed ADHD ten years ago. This was something to GO on, but he too, only takes pills for it, and doesn't see the need for behavioral therapy. He doesn't see how MUCH the ADHD plays a roll in both our lives. Since he's always lived with it, its "normal" for him, I guess, regardless of what others say.
Hopeless Heart was right. Take care of YOURSELF FIRST, because my health has also been ruined by the years of massive stress and constant chaos. It never ends. When the ones with ADHD don't get help, it doesn't leave you with too many options. But, there are things you can do. WE just didn't know them early enough, before a lot of damage was done. We are sort of just in survival mode now.
I wish you well.
Thank you
Submitted by balltobe on
Thank you so much for your reply. Your situation sounds difficult, I appreciate you sharing your story. I can definitely relate to the after work time. It’s been the source of so many fights for us because he feels 100% justified/important/heroic sitting at his computer as long as it’s something “for work.” It’s hard not being able to rely on your partner to take part in your home life. I love him and want to share my life with him, but I think I’m realizing that I just need to form a routine for me and the baby and he can join us if he wants. I’ve spent way too much time catering to his whims, and I’m exhausted.