I am new to this site and just trying to understand why a relationship that was going really well became a disaster in just 8 months of marriage. I am not certain that my husband has ADD but it's something a friend of his with ADHD has mentioned (to him not me) and i was wondering if others had been through this? We are now separated - he has threatened suicide and divorce multiple times and developed habit of leaving overnight that how now (possibly) become permanent.
Before we got married he was a loving and attentive partner - he seemed to enjoy my company and nothing was too much trouble. Since I committed to him, he began to have angry outbursts - he flies into a rage easily, gets frustrated when I am hurt by his actions and smashes things, punches himself in the head, slams doors etc. This is usually my 'fault' for being hurt by something he has done.
Minor problems make him very irritable and he yells at me a lot over small issues that need not become a conflict. For a while he wasn't working but the anger continued after he got another job so it isn't purely situational.
Recently we moved apartments and while I packed/painted etc he worked on his new hobby (a 3D printer). He has 3 bikes he is working on that never get completed and that i come second to a lot.
When I am talking he sometime stops me, saying I go on too long. He doesn't do chores, leaves things all over the apartment despite me reminding him.
He can be insensitive repeatedly and doesn't seem to get why I am upset about things he has previously been asked to do (and does not do) or things he says that hurt my feelings (and doesn't stop saying).
I have had more success writing problems and solutions down than talking to him - any discussion becomes a scary fight.
He smokes weed, which he says helps with his concentration but I feel can make him less sensitive/harder to be around rather than easier
Overall it feels a bit like dealing with an angry teenager and when i am hurt he can't comfort me. He also says very unfair things when he is angry at me (for example calling me needy and controlling for asking what his weekend plans are). I don't know much about AD(H)D so I'm sorry if this is way off the mark, I was really wondering if this sounds familiar to wives on here? We got married in january and I am terribly sad but don't see how our relationship can continue, particularly since my husband wants to blame me and perceives what is happening in our relationship so differently from how I see it. It's very lonely and the fights are quite traumatic. I also feel very much like I come second to whatever is more exciting to him at the time - the bikes, 3d printer etc.
Thanks for any comments or advice. I was hoping that time apart would help, but now i feel fairly certain that we are headed for a divorce.
You're not alone!
Submitted by Moon_N_Back12.21.12 on
Some of the things you mentioned are the same as some of the things I am also dealing with with my husband. I do think know if he is AD (H)D or not, but I think it's probable. Our fights escalate very quickly into a brutal and traumatic scene of him doing and saying whatever he can to hurt me as much as possible. It honestly feels like he sometimes goes out of his way just to make sure he's put me down and damaged me enough. It doesn't matter how many times I've told him the things that he says and does that bother me and hurt my feelings, he still does them because he likes picking on me and seeing me get upset. I also get told some very unfair things when we argue. For example: I've been a stay at home mom for 2 1/2 years since my daughter was born and my husband has told me many times he doesn't want me to work, he wants me to stay home and be a housewife. Yet whenever an argument comes around one of the first things that gets thrown in my face is how he works his *** off all day and I'm a lazy worthless stupid b**** because all I do is sit at home all day with the kids....yet he's the one that wants me here at home.
I haven't found any solutions to my problems yet, but I at least wanted you to know that I do feel your pain and I can sympathize with you because I know what you're going through. Keep your head up and hang in there. It will get better dear.