could this be the answer

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see if the meds help him

Submitted by Survivor on Mon, 06/16/2008 - 01:42

Hi Rondosarah, YOU ARE RIGHT THAT IT'S NOT FAIR. It is true that too much is being put on you. By the time I write this, you have probably already had your baby. I hope the delivery was good and the baby is well. How is it going now? I would like to point out the positives in your situation. It sounds like your kids are normal and have not inherited the ADHD gene. At least you did not indicate problems with the children. That is a blessing, if they do not have ADHD. That means you will have an easier time training them to help you around the house. Secondly, you said that your husband does help somewhat around the house. At least he is doing SOMETHING. Your husband also WANTS to grow up, which is a positive sign. (How old is he? Maybe he really will grow up - well, a little anyway.) HOW ARE THE MEDS WORKING for your husband? Is he serious about getting help and sticking with it? Is he willing to go to whatever therapy the doctor recommends? So much of this really depends on how committed your husband is to getting the help he needs. Does he realize how his behavior is impacting you and his children? How does his ADHD effect his work? It may take some trial and error before the doctor gets the right med combination for your husband, but the meds could really help him. They may not fix everything, which is why he may also need therapy with a qualified counselor. Does your husband trust you and listen to you when you point out things that need to be done a different way? How is your husband with money? Typically, ADHD people are impulsive spenders. Will your husband let you manage the money? That would relieve a lot of stress, if at least you knew THAT was under control. It is important to remember, but maybe hard to really believe, that your husband is not doing all this to make you miserable. He is acting like this because he has ADHD, which he didn't ask for and can't really change without help. For myself, I have had to think of how I can protect myself in this situation. What can be done to make my life easier, since I can't rely on my husband? Are you able to quit work so that you can do everything at home without doing 2 jobs - your outside job and all the chores at home? If you continue to work, are you able to hire a cleaner once/week? What chores can you streamline? What you can cut out altogether? Think yourself and talk to friends about how you can lighten your load. When I had two kids, like you, I was thinking of divorce. Then I discovered I was pregnant with #3. Divorce did not seem like a good idea when I was pregnant and would soon have to deal with another baby. I have stuck it out, through another two pregnancies. It has been, admittedly, VERY difficult for me, because of my husband's extreme ADHD symptoms, my oldest son's violent ODD behavior, and three other children with attention problems, who were also impacted by my oldest son's violence and aggression. Only one of our five children is "normal." In fact, he is quite exceptional considering all the torment he received from his older brother. I was not able to manage my oldest son's violence at home, so he has been living elsewhere for some years now. It HAS been very hard. Hang in there. Be creative in how to manage your own time to get done what you need to do. Encourage your husband to get the help he needs. After you have done all that you can to make the changes you want in your marriage, then evaluate it again and see if it is workable or not. If your husband has only now just started the meds, maybe it is too soon to give up. Give it a little more time. See how he responds to the meds and to therapy.

Nanny

Submitted by MelissaOrlov on Tue, 06/24/2008 - 14:15

Your husband may not be willing to help out with the kids - many men don't see themselves in this role, not just ADD kids. Do yourself a big, big favor and get yourself a responsible mother's helper. This can be a responsible high schooler if you can't afford an adult caretaker. This will give you at least some of the breathing room that you need to stay sane. And it's much cheaper than divorce.

Melissa Orlov

Yes I've had the baby things

Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on Mon, 07/28/2008 - 19:44

Yes I've had the baby things are a little better maybe? I learned to leave him a to do list and he usely does it. and he stays home a little more. I'm trying to get him to see his friends are nothing but druggy loosers that have nothing. And he needs healthier friends. As for the med's we just started today that memeral and omegas 3,6,9. I figuare herble would be cheeper and he likes the idea instead of doc. proscibed meds. so we'll see. Thanks for the responces.

Meds

Submitted by MelissaOrlov on Thu, 07/31/2008 - 14:25

Don't throw away the possibility of medications some time in the future. According to Dr. Hallowell, they can provide some of the surest relief for ADHD symptoms if you do end up being comfortable trying them (and there are many good reasons why it's low risk to do so).

Melissa Orlov

ADHD and Marriage

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see if the meds help him

Nanny

Yes I've had the baby things

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