I just got married two months ago to a wonderful man who is caring and compassionate in many ways.
But since I have met him, I have noticed he has major issues when it comes to organization. Several of his clients have also made the observation. The more I spend time with him the more I think he has major problems. First, his credit is a total mess, he has a lot of debt, he cannot organize his time nor his papers nor his receipts, he never really finishes tasks and doesn't, cannot pay any bill on time!!! Every month we pay so much additional late fees!We have the money to pay the bills but he cannot and will not even open mail. His license has been suspended due to non payment of tickets and not showing up to court
I decided I would pay all bills but I do not want to be taking on more and more of the household responsability to overcome his handicap. On top of everything, he has never been on time to any event since I have known him.
He has promised me over and over that he was going to change and take control of his life.....We have had so many fights and discussion about organization and I told him how releived and good he would feel if he just started organizing himself.....Alas, nothing is working.
On the other hand, sometimes he can over focus on a task and detail the hell out of it! (he's a designer) almost to the point where I get annoyed at the fact that he is spending so much time on one task.
He is very calm and super relaxed and does not have trouble focusing when communicating with me or others. He does not fidget and has the ability to sit still for a very long priod of time. I do not sense that he is restless or anxious.
Could his problem be ADHD or just bad habits he formed as a child.......His mother is a hoarder.
Please help me because I love him but cannot see myself living this way for the rest of my life......
Is he open to seeing if there is something else going on?
Submitted by Aspen on
I ask because if he isn't, it is going to be really hard to determine what exactly is going on with him. Some of the symptoms you describe sound like they could be AD/HD, but they could also be other things such as having developed truly bad habits all his life.
If he is open to the discussion, I would suggest he take the 70 (yes or no) question test in Dr Hallowell's book Delivered From Distraction. It is quick, but we found it to be EXTREMELY revealing. When he scored so highly on the test, we read up on more symptoms and took all those results as well as his history to his doctor. (The first doctor we saw tended to diagnose ADD based on how much of an effect it has had on your life throughout time--guess he'd have been terrible with kids!!)
When we first started suspecting there was something preventing my husband from doing the things he needed and wanted to be doing, he did the research on his own and came up with the ADD possibility. We were all like HUH?? He is not hyperactive (if anything he was underactive), so he has none of the classic signs that I and his family associated with the ADHD kid or adult bouncing off the walls. That is a dangerous picture and causes a lot of ppl to miss the problem because they don't know the many faces of ADD. He picked up on the diagnosis from all the inability to focus symptoms that no one but he would really know what was going on in him internally--we only saw the lack of results.
Since his diagnosis, 3 other ppl in his immediate family have recognized they have it too, so there is something to be said for considering the possibilities with an open mind! In my husband's case, he'd been afraid to examine anything too closely as there is bi-polar in his family and he was terrified that he had it (though he doesn't really have any highs and no real depression--so fears of finding out the truth are not necessarily rational!)
Hope are are able to get things under control soon. Just as an aside though, many nonADD partners are no good with money and part of settling into married life is figuring out who is better at what job so that the best person can do it. One of the pains caused by ADD is that frequently the ADD spouse thinks his nonADD spouse is better at *all* the jobs, so they seem happy to dump those on the one who can do them faster/better/more consistently, while they seem to sail along happily to have fun during those times. If that element is working at all in your life, try to nip it in the bud early...established patterns are much harder to break.
I'm so glad that I never gave in and just took on everything my husband thought I was *better suited* to doing. And keep in mind that these are highly intelligent people most of the time who can grasp the point of why they should be helping at home very, very easily. The followthrough is where it's often lacking, because they are only verbally agreeing. Deep in their heart they may feel like since it is so much *easier* for you, that really you should take it on. Because my husband has no tendency toward self-analysis, we dealt with a lot of agreements on housework that were getting no followthrough, and he couldn't/wouldn't tell me that it was his true thinking that was keeping him from engaging--he was embarrassed that he really thought (not at all PC) that but you have to start from where you are! I'm happy to tell you that I have an ADD husband who regularly helps around the house--seldom as much as he's agreed to & sometimes not to the standard of clean that I'd like (he agreed to vacuum but he only wants to vacuum if he sees things visibly on the carpet), but we've worked that out by having him do more of things the he enjoys like cooking & he does not TOUCH the checkbook.
Best wishes to you!
I've often wondered if this is a problem
Submitted by brendab on
In my husband's case, he'd been afraid to examine anything too closely as there is bi-polar in his family and he was terrified that he had it
My ex boyfriend has several family members who developed alzheimers and a brother who was diagnosed with bipolar years ago. I've often wondered if this is why he chooses to stay in denial. He really doesn't want to know what is causing his brain fog. Better to stay blissfully ignorant than to face reality.
brenda
Unfortunately, I believe this
Submitted by newfdogswife on
Unfortunately, I believe this is my husband's case, also. Terrified to find out the real truth behind all of the problems. But, if the shoe was on the other foot, I believe my husband would want answers immediately.