We have been lucky enough to find a counselor who will see us on Saturdays (but she's not there every Saturday). We had a session yesterday where we talked about some of his ADHD characteristics that drive me crazy. One of them is that I feel like he does not value my life because he chose not to work for nearly 3 years and I had to go without necessary medical care. Another is one everyone involved with someone with ADHD is familiar with-not keeping their word.
To me, keeping my word is my most important priority. I'd sooner cut off my right arm than break a promise. So to me, the fact that he promised to clean up some dog poop in my basement and didn't (for 2 months!) made me crazy. It would have taken him 10 minutes but he couldn't be bothered. If I had promised to do something like that, I would never have been able to sleep until I'd done it. But it didn't bother him.
I also can't stand the fact that his work does not meet our financial needs. We have no heat in our house because we can't pay the gas bill. I need surgery but can't afford the co-pay. To me, that's the signal that you need to find a better job or get a second one. (That's what I did when he stopped working.) I am a full-time student and have both day and night classes so I can't figure out when I could work-and anyway we agreed I would not work this semester.
So this counselor told me that if I can't accept that he feels no obligation to support me and doesn't care about keeping his word I should leave him and go live in a homeless shelter! I should not expect him to change. She also says she doesn't know of anyone who does the kind of counseling people talk about here-to teach him new habits like keeping his word and contributing to the upkeep of the house. She says I can't expect him to ever do that!
I'd just like input from other people here. Is it reasonable for me to expect him to learn to keep his word? Is it reasonable for me to expect him to do some work around the house since I'm physically handicapped? Should I buy into what so many ADHDers say-"that's just the way I am" and expect to never have my needs met?