My partner and I have been together for over 12 years and she's been officially diagnosed with ADD for about 8 of those. What I want to find out from others is how you've found the courage to confront your ADD partner about the damage that's been done in the relationship and move to a place where you can go forward.
I've just about come to the end of my rope. I love my partner, but I don't know that I like her all that much anymore. I've run out of emotional energy. I'm tired of trying to best the secret challenges set before me. I never know from day to day what "thing" I've missed that will make her angry/upset/disappointed with me. I'm just supposed to figure out what piece of information she's left out or thought she's already communicated.
How do you find the fortitude to tell someone that you don't want to have sex with them because they are driving you mad? How do you talk to them about all the resentments that have built up over years of frustration and twisted conversations?
She's on meds, but still turns things around somehow to make it my fault or makes me feel guilty for bringing her ADD into the situation.
How do you get through to them? I've tried talking to her before, but get nowhere. We've tried traditional couples therapy, but I think most of you know where that goes, same place I got on my own - nowhere.
Right now, I'm pretty much persona non grata because I don't want to have sex. I don't have the energy or inclination to get that emotionally involved with someone who may very well bite my head off the next morning or who won't respond to my touch until I "prove" that I intend to see it through to the end.
Unlike some who have shared this site with their partners, I cannot. She thinks most of my research into ADD means that I'm trying to pin blame on her for all our relationship ills, rather than to seek a means of helping us grow back together.
I don't want to leave yet, but I don't want to end up in a living hell, well a worse one anyway. Any suggestions on how to handle confrontation?
counseling may help
Submitted by arwen on
I've found that telling my husband about the resentments that have built up over time is pretty much fruitless. As Melissa and Ned frequently note, people with ADD tend to live in the present. In my husband's case, this has certainly been true, predominantly because of his ADD-related memory problems. The whole idea of "history" just isn't very meaningful to him. He can't remember a history of events himself, so he can't understand how I can, and so the concept of "buildup" of feelings is really beyond his ken. (Not unlike trying to describe fall colors to him -- he's colorblind, and he'll never understand the beauty of them -- to him, all leaves are brown all the time.) Even if you find a way to say what you want, it's likely you won't really be understood. This is something you probably need to find some way to let go of, if you can. I know this sounds facile -- please believe me that I have felt the way you do, and I did not think I could ever let go of it, I understand this is not easy. I confess that I wouldn't have been willing to let go of them if I hadn't had good reason to believe that the source of these resentments would not continue -- if my husband hadn't shown that he was willing to work very hard to change his behaviors for the benefit of our marriage. In my case, it boiled down to the realization that not letting go of the feelings would be like cutting off my nose to spite my face.
You say your spouse is on meds, but you don't say whether either of you is getting any counseling -- my sense is that you are not. My suggestion, based on my experience with my ADD husband, would be to try this route. Particularly when dealing with such a sensitive subject as sex, an objective neutral third party can be very helpful. I personally believe that joint counseling is the most fruitful in this respect, but evenindividual counseling may be helpful.
Thanks Anwen. We live in an
Submitted by gekkedwaas on
Thanks Anwen. We live in an area that is overrun with doctors, but only only one treats adult ADD. The Dr. she was seeing retired this year, which may turn out to be a good thing. We've waited six months to get into see the this new one. He only took her as a patient as a favor because we knew him as a med student many years ago - he primarily treats children.
He has changed her meds at her/our request, but we're not seeing much of a change, at least at home. We haven't been speaking much lately, so I don't know if it's helping in her part time job situation.
She goes back to see him in Dec. It remains to be seen if I will be invited back with her. I thnk the new Dr. wants to get her meds situated and then discuss us getting help together.
I guess I'm just getting impatient because I'm so tired of it all. I've tried the compassionate thought process trying to think of her as having diabetes or depression or even & I'm sorry for this ADDer's - brain damage; anythng to try and gain understanding & the ability to let go. It just isn't working anymore.
She surprises me and is quite eloqent to other people about her ADD and how she thinks, but she cannot give that to me and that's a major source of frustration. I am to just understand and live with it.
Hopefully, I can go to the well one more time and find something to hang on to until the time she and I can actually talk with the third party and hear each other. Perhaps he can help facilitate and help her/us understand how important it is that she does make an effort at home too. (She thinks she already does & would hit the roof if she found out I think she doesn't)