Courage to communicate

My partner and I have been together for over 12 years and she's been officially diagnosed with ADD for about 8 of those.  What I want to find out from others is how you've found the courage to confront your ADD partner about the damage that's been done in the relationship and move to a place where you can go forward.

I've just about come to the end of my rope.  I love my partner, but I don't know that I like her all that much anymore.  I've run out of emotional energy.  I'm tired of trying to best the secret challenges set before me.  I never know from day to day what "thing" I've missed that will make her angry/upset/disappointed with me.  I'm just supposed to figure out what piece of information she's left out or thought she's already communicated.

How do you find the fortitude to tell someone that you don't want to have sex with them because they are driving you mad?  How do you talk to them about all the resentments that have built up over years of frustration and twisted conversations?

She's on meds, but still turns things around somehow to make it my fault or makes me feel guilty for bringing her ADD into the situation.

How do you get through to them?  I've tried talking to her before, but get nowhere.  We've tried traditional couples therapy, but I think most of you know where that goes, same place I got on my own - nowhere.

Right now, I'm pretty much persona non grata because I don't want to have sex.  I don't have the energy or inclination to get that emotionally involved with someone who may very well bite my head off the next morning or who won't respond to my touch until I "prove" that I intend to see it through to the end.

Unlike some who have shared this site with their partners, I cannot.  She thinks most of my research into ADD means that I'm trying to pin blame on her for all our relationship ills, rather than to seek a means of helping us grow back together.

I don't want to leave yet, but I don't want to end up in a living hell, well a worse one anyway. Any suggestions on how to handle confrontation?