crawling out of the wreckage


I am the wife (separated in-house soon to be OUT) of a recently diagnosed ADDer.  We have 3 kids special needs and suffer financially often.  My soon to be ex.  isn't a bad guy per se.  He is a Blamer and apparently had ADD during most of the tumultous years.  I am pretty forgiving (stupidly so) person so he would have these episodes of rage, yelling (he's a screamer too), blaming etc and I would feel blindsided and then explainy.  I just couldn't comprehend why but came to realize that there was simply NO SITUATION whatsoever that couldn't be improved by screaming at me.  One day he was yelling and moved forward and accidently kicked over the bedroom trash bin.  His Response: to look down and then up and Scream my Name.  I just got fed up.  I spent a month marking the calendar everytime we had one of these blowups -by the end of the month EVERY DAY was dotted with Red.  So I warned him.  Gave him 6 month to change.  During this time we were evicted.  Why?  Oh we had the money.  He simply didn't pay it.  When I went to pay they didn't accept the money BECAUSE we'd been so late so often.  We ended up subletting (sneaking on someone else's lease! living above a suspicious employee on the complex- Relaxing NOT and unable to rent anywhere else because we owed money to another complex0- YES I TRIED>  Those phone calls where I begged strangers to take pity of my children, not me...and the responses I got...simply seared my soul.  Oh he didn't make the calls or try to arrange the housing.  No he went to work and left it to me.  I asked for help and I got "I gotta work" He could have done something...some calls on lunch..come home witha paper, search the net anything...And no he wouldn't let me have charge of funds. (Though I suggested and made calendars, budgets, wanted the Envelope system so bad I drooled- his response mock me for stupidity and inquire if I wanted to stuff the mattress with money too, collect can etc )   I worked part time with the kids ALWAYS came home to a horrible mess, unfed kids, messed up house, no chore I asked for done etc.  So I worked and wondered Why?  What is it about me that is so unlovable?  His decisions?  Buy a car from our Religious leader (completely against my advice- we DON"T HAVE THE MONEY)  So when he didn't pay the money the Leader's Wife shows up my door (I was 8 month pregnant with my special needs son- having a difficult pregnancy) and procedes to blast me about how not having intentions to pay make us skanky people etc..Loser.  My husband heard her and hid in the bathroom rather than come out and say anything.  I felt so guilty I just took it then shut the door and cried!  Most days I feel like CASSANDRA-  Hey Look!  Tragedy coming up! This Bill is Due...They WILL cut the electricity  WARNING WARNING...sigh..then it comes to pass.  His response to scream/yell be bitter about how I spend all the money. $50 food budget for a family of five was tight but I did make it, until hubby came home, turned his nose up at the food and went to the grocery to buy a meal 30+ $...but it is my fault for not sticking to the budget.  Oh boy..continues apace.  Lost bills, no financial planning, papers all over the place. No help with cleaning littering around  etc etc.  I finally say ENOUGH...He goes to the Dr.  SURPRISE!  I've got ADD and look MEDS..  In the meantime I worked out a payment plan with the landlord and we  are back in a decent neighborhood (as opposed to the ghetto one with cops and swat- seriously) I am working part time and trying to get a career off the ground. Cause I don't trust him to support us AT ALL>  But things are/could be different?  I feel so nothing for him and am exhausted.  .  So then why WHY do I feel guilty.  I am used up and feel ugly and unwanted but still must fight the good fight each day.

Oh the kids?  My Aspergers daughter puts it this way.  you go to Dad if you want funny stories he's great! (maturity level there I believe)  You go to you  (mommy) when you got to get to school on time or need something from the store.  I suspect one of my daughters to have ADD as well.  Of the other ones, one is Aspergers and the other has genetic issues resulting in brain damage.   So on this trainride to hell I am surrounded by 4 needy ones...I just cut him loose.  I couldn't take another one.  Yes ,,,heart palpitations, anxiety attacks, depression...I try to clean the house everyday..seriously I arrange something and someone else (usually him) needs something and rips through it, gets what he wants and leaves the mess.  As soon as our tax money comes through he is leaving.  Of course his car isn't registered (Again I was Cassandra) but now...we need to "share" my car.  The only way he is going to leave I believe is if I rent his apartment and move him myself.  Ok...

Soon to be ex...refuses to make a budget, earn enough money (trust me I am NOT being greedy here) Apply for a better job (He literally spent 6 years applying to the state- or rather downloading and reading teh application in a sea of mess in the middle of the floor- but actually sending the app in?  Nope- but NOW he has a diagnosis....I feel guilty and bitter like I SHOULD give him another chance etc blah balh  for the kids sake, but I just feel like dying when I think of it. 

He has hope for us.  HAH. 

Anyway this is a total vent and I'm sorry but I feel better for writing it.  BTW he snoops through everything..opens my mail, reads my journal. goes through my bag.   etc. No Boundaries whatsoever so writing this has been rather cathartic and safe.  (No I DO NOT FEAR for my life- just can't stand the guilty DRAMA DRAMA CHAOS etc when I have a feeling.


PS...He just got a promotion (on his meds) with a 10K raise a week ago.  Today the phone was cut off.   We have 20 in the bank until Thursday.  Life as usual.  I am scared crapless at being divorced at 48, I know I will be alone for the rest of my life, but surely it has GOT to be better than the random chaos that I have now.  I can't take a deep breath or relax.  I just want him out.  But the guilt...the guilt.