crawling out of the wreckage

Hi,

I am the wife (separated in-house soon to be OUT) of a recently diagnosed ADDer.  We have 3 kids special needs and suffer financially often.  My soon to be ex.  isn't a bad guy per se.  He is a Blamer and apparently had ADD during most of the tumultous years.  I am pretty forgiving (stupidly so) person so he would have these episodes of rage, yelling (he's a screamer too), blaming etc and I would feel blindsided and then explainy.  I just couldn't comprehend why but came to realize that there was simply NO SITUATION whatsoever that couldn't be improved by screaming at me.  One day he was yelling and moved forward and accidently kicked over the bedroom trash bin.  His Response: to look down and then up and Scream my Name.  I just got fed up.  I spent a month marking the calendar everytime we had one of these blowups -by the end of the month EVERY DAY was dotted with Red.  So I warned him.  Gave him 6 month to change.  During this time we were evicted.  Why?  Oh we had the money.  He simply didn't pay it.  When I went to pay they didn't accept the money BECAUSE we'd been so late so often.  We ended up subletting (sneaking on someone else's lease! living above a suspicious employee on the complex- Relaxing NOT and unable to rent anywhere else because we owed money to another complex0- YES I TRIED>  Those phone calls where I begged strangers to take pity of my children, not me...and the responses I got...simply seared my soul.  Oh he didn't make the calls or try to arrange the housing.  No he went to work and left it to me.  I asked for help and I got "I gotta work" He could have done something...some calls on lunch..come home witha paper, search the net anything...And no he wouldn't let me have charge of funds. (Though I suggested and made calendars, budgets, wanted the Envelope system so bad I drooled- his response was..to mock me for stupidity and inquire if I wanted to stuff the mattress with money too, collect can etc )   I worked part time with the kids ALWAYS came home to a horrible mess, unfed kids, messed up house, no chore I asked for done etc.  So I worked and wondered Why?  What is it about me that is so unlovable?  His decisions?  Buy a car from our Religious leader (completely against my advice- we DON"T HAVE THE MONEY)  So when he didn't pay the money the Leader's Wife shows up my door (I was 8 month pregnant with my special needs son- having a difficult pregnancy) and procedes to blast me about how not having intentions to pay make us skanky people etc..Loser.  My husband heard her and hid in the bathroom rather than come out and say anything.  I felt so guilty I just took it then shut the door and cried!  Most days I feel like CASSANDRA-  Hey Look!  Tragedy coming up! This Bill is Due...They WILL cut the electricity  WARNING WARNING...sigh..then it comes to pass.  His response to scream/yell be bitter about how I spend all the money.  Yes...my $50 food budget for a family of five was tight but I did make it, until hubby came home, turned his nose up at the food and went to the grocery to buy a meal 30+ $...but it is my fault for not sticking to the budget.  Oh boy..continues apace.  Lost bills, no financial planning, papers all over the place. No help with cleaning littering around  etc etc.  I finally say ENOUGH...He goes to the Dr.  SURPRISE!  I've got ADD and look MEDS..  In the meantime I worked out a payment plan with the landlord and we  are back in a decent neighborhood (as opposed to the ghetto one with cops and swat- seriously) I am working part time and trying to get a career off the ground. Cause I don't trust him to support us AT ALL>  But things are/could be different?  I feel so nothing for him and am exhausted.  .  So then why WHY do I feel guilty.  I am used up and feel ugly and unwanted but still must fight the good fight each day.

Oh the kids?  My Aspergers daughter puts it this way.  you go to Dad if you want funny stories he's great! (maturity level there I believe)  You go to you  (mommy) when you got to get to school on time or need something from the store.  I suspect one of my daughters to have ADD as well.  Of the other ones, one is Aspergers and the other has genetic issues resulting in brain damage.   So on this trainride to hell I am surrounded by 4 needy ones...I just cut him loose.  I couldn't take another one.  Yes ,,,heart palpitations, anxiety attacks, depression...I try to clean the house everyday..seriously I arrange something and someone else (usually him) needs something and rips through it, gets what he wants and leaves the mess.  As soon as our tax money comes through he is leaving.  Of course his car isn't registered (Again I was Cassandra) but now...we need to "share" my car.  The only way he is going to leave I believe is if I rent his apartment and move him myself.  Ok...

Soon to be ex...refuses to make a budget, earn enough money (trust me I am NOT being greedy here) Apply for a better job (He literally spent 6 years applying to the state- or rather downloading and reading teh application in a sea of mess in the middle of the floor- but actually sending the app in?  Nope- but NOW he has a diagnosis....I feel guilty and bitter like I SHOULD give him another chance etc blah balh  for the kids sake, but I just feel like dying when I think of it. 

He has hope for us.  HAH. 

Anyway this is a total vent and I'm sorry but I feel better for writing it.  BTW he snoops through everything..opens my mail, reads my journal. goes through my bag.   etc. No Boundaries whatsoever so writing this has been rather cathartic and safe.  (No I DO NOT FEAR for my life- just can't stand the guilty DRAMA DRAMA CHAOS etc when I have a feeling.

Imdone.

PS...He just got a promotion (on his meds) with a 10K raise a week ago.  Today the phone was cut off.   We have 20 in the bank until Thursday.  Life as usual.  I am scared crapless at being divorced at 48, I know I will be alone for the rest of my life, but surely it has GOT to be better than the random chaos that I have now.  I can't take a deep breath or relax.  I just want him out.  But the guilt...the guilt.

My heart goes out to you...I

My heart goes out to you...I cannot imagine how you've maintained your sanity this long.

My main concern is that he isn't under the impression that medication is the 'treatment' for ADHD. Yes, it is part of it, but he needs therapy and need to re-learn ways to conduct himself in life and in his marriage. Not sure you want to at this point, but incase you did, I wanted to point out that medication is only a small part of treatment. He has done things this way for so long that medication won't change his behaviors...he will have to do that himself.

Take care of you and your kids...that's what most important right now. Providing a stable home for them...and some peace for you all.

I fully understand where you are at when you say you'd rather be alone the rest of your life than to go on living the way you are. I was there in Nov 2009...and nothing was going to stop me, not even the fear of being alone, it sure beat the hell out of what I had. I let him know and he decided he would move forward with me. We got the ADHD diagnosis several months later and have been in counseling a little over 6 months now. He has also been on meds since Oct. We have made progress, but still have a way to go. I love him and respect him in a way I never thought would be possible again. It can be done, but it isn't easy. Compared to the hell we were living, it is easy...I will say that.

Best of luck to you in whatever you decide. Please keep us posted and vent anytime!! It really does help to know you're not alone!

Thank you Sherri, As to

Thank you Sherri,

As to your concerns..he is spending a few month "tweaking" the medication,  per the Dr.  THEN he will enter into CBT and relearn etc.  I wish him luck. Sincerely.  As to wanting to go on.  It took literally 2 years of me warning  him.  So I've had to cut those emotional ties to leave.   I also realize that he was self-medicating with rage.  The screaming/yelling adrenaline rush especially when something was going on probably helped him to focus.  I intellectually get it, but my heart cracks at the thought that he chose to verbally abuse/hurt me as a PLAN to help himself.  ADD or not, the selfish cruelty of this is just breathstopping.  I am glad you guys are able to move past this.  I kinda feel numb on this front.  just numb.  I don't like him very much especially since he chose to sacrifice ME, my well-being, etc on the altar of his condition.  Whether or not he knew he had a condition..the treatment he dished out was just wrong.   Yes.  It sounds like I am blaming him but in truth I feel he has to own his actions and the harm that  he did.  Can you tell that I am angry?  Sigh...sorry to be snappish.  I am just so angry.  Not so much hurt anymore, like my dearling hurt my feeling, but AnGRY..Like HEY! this is abuse. 

Especially since I did SO MUCH for him.  I honestly thought when this started it was a rough patch.  I was proud PROUD to use my ingenuity to help my family save money.  I made Cloth Diapers from old receiving blankets, didn't buy new clothing in 7 years, made homemade bread, salad dressings, meals etc.  and do yo uthink he appreciated it?  Nope..He just kept kicking and kicking and kicking. At this point I feel like I went to help someone who was thrashing in the water drowning but they got a deathgrip on me and if I can't get lose they will take me down with them.  Geez what a statement on a marriage.  BTW I also believe that if the kids were healthy things would not have come to this.  I just ran everything until the kids needs grew deeper and deeper and when I looked for support from him...all I got was blame, screaming, rudeness, and casual cruelty.  This isn't even discussing the stress effects of having sick kids.  Sherri, thank you for  your kind words I shall indeed take care of the kids and myself.  As to the other stuff..sigh..I don't want to drown anymore..

imdone

You're not alone

I could have written your story word for word. Married 12 years, oldest has emotional issues, middle girl is lost in the middle, and my son has a mess of problems from ADD to learning disabilities to speech problems. He was diagnosed with Adult ADD in October 2010 after I left him. Things seemed to improve so I came back. Huge mistake. Now I am just waiting to get some things lined up so I can get rid of him.

Your comment about the only way to get him out is to find him a place and move him yourself hit home. I would have to go over and cook, clean, pay his bills and everything else too.

It sucks but it is good to know I'm not alone. I am done with this mess though.

How does one handle the guilt?

I too am done. Living, breathing trainwreck seems a mild comparison to the damage he has done to our family. For 4 years it has been one crisis right after another...each growing larger in scale to the last. If i stay i will never have anything nor will the kids. Ever.

 I understand that its the ADD but does it really matter? I understand the cause is the illness but the results are the same if the actions were undertaken on purpose. At the end of the day we are broke, alone, and seconds from disaster. I know he's sorry. I know he wants to change, but apart from taking the meds and going to the appointments, he isn't changing his routine. And so, nothing, NOTHING changes.  I feel terrible at the thought of leaving for the kids sake. I don't know how to tell them or how to deal with it when the tears come. They are young and i never, ever wanted them to have to be from a divorced home. But i cannot see anyway to continue this chaos that is daily life. I feel so trapped in between 2 horrible decisions.