Hoping to Create a Plan

I'm new to this forum ...I hope I'm posting in the right place.

Ive been married to my ADD diagnosed spouse for 3 1/2 years. He was diagnosed many years before we met. Unfortunately, I misunderstood what I was getting into. He told me about the talking, and a few other symptoms but I was devastated to learn that he is unable to tolerate everyday noises made by families in a house. Because of his upbringing he is VERY rigid about everything...so for example...if the kids walk louder than a tiptoe, he shouts at them for being "disobedient". His anger fuses are getting shorter by the day. Today, I am overwhelmed by the bigness of our marriage problems. My heart aches. Actually my whole body aches. Im soo tired. 

Ive been reading every chance I get on this forum and others, trying to learn.

We have all the typical issues going on but I'm really ok with most of them.

I can adapt to messes, forgetfulness, talking and more. 

The main  things that are crushing my soul are these:

1. His anger and rage esp at unpredictable times.

2. His extraordinary impatience with my children ( who are very well behaved by most standards... except perhaps by extreme Patriarchists.)

3. His disinterest in intimacy. Pretty much zip.

4. His inability to carry on a conversation without taking offense..no matter how carefully I try to word something. 

I long to work out some things, but he gets so defensive and accusatory to me that we dont ever make progress. He deeply believes that I am against him and that my kids are the source of all his unhappiness.

I was so excited when I got this job last year because it provides living space including a cute little building for him to have as his "own studio". He's a genius musician/composer. The problem is, he filled it up, made a mess...and hates to go there now. I was so hoping if we gave him his own space he would stop making daily life so scary for us by going to his space when he finds us intolerable ( stuff like talking, humming, walking, opening doors, etc..will drive him up the wall). This walking on eggshells thing is more than exhausting. He doesn't allow for the children to be...well...children.

About the anger: the last time he lost it big with me was about a week and a half ago. I was standing in front of our bedroom door in a narrow space and he was so angry & desperate to get away from me that he shoved me so hard I lost my balance and fell. His first response was to mockingly say "oh stooop iit!" He assumed I was faking. A few days later ( when he returned and we spoke again) he noticed the big bruise on my arm. When he asked, I told him it was from that fall. He never apologized.

After that,  I feel most urgent to set better boundaries and protect us from any more anger "accidents". 

The issues are so overwhelming that I can't even begin to delineate them here...esp in one post.

I guess maybe Im just reaching out here to see if these problems really are ADD related...are his actions common?

Ive been teary today. He accuses me of shutting him out but I dont see any other way to "get along". He is never not angry anymore. I love him...i miss the guy he used to be.

Because of his repeated anger episodes, I have started separating our finances better and i keep the kids away from him as much as possible. He sees all this and gets hurt and more angry.

Re: the household.He seems to be an all or nothing person. Eg: "Dont like the way I organized the chores for the kids? Then I refuse to participate in any chore oversight."

He screamed at me for washing a load of clothes once..claimed I destroyed his plan... and pretty much refused to do any more laundry ever (except his own). Is this an ADD symptom?

Just hoping someone will shed some more light...have a kind word, a prayer...anything really. 

I am thinking of asking him to move out until he can gain ground by seeing a therapist or doctor. I can hardly bear the thought tho' . He'll rage at first...but I know its because he hurts and thinks I am against him. Im not....but I have children to raise and protect.


Alone. Sad. Confused.





I can feel your pain through

I can feel your pain through your words. I'm so sorry you're experiencing this. ADHD is a wide range of symptoms and I don't know if the symptoms that you describe are associated with ADHD. I remember reading that some people believe that ADHD is part of the autism spectrum. ADHD>Asperger's>Autism. I also remember reading that it is common for people to be misdiagnosed between these three conditions. I'm only bringing this up because the rigidity that you describe in your husband reminds me of what I've seen and heard regarding Asperger's or Autism. I'm definitely not trying to diagnose your husband. These are just the thoughts that I had as I read your post. I hope it helps. I'm sorry I don't have more to offer. 

How are you, WhirledPeas?

I'm new-ish here, too - and don't stop in very often. (I joined to better understand my ADHD, and how it can impact my relationships - all kinds. Currently, marriage isn't among those assorted kinds.)

I have been married though. And many family members are ADHD. Leaving aside whether your husband's diagnosis was accurate, his behavior to you is, accually abuse. If he was neurotypical, it would be abuse. If he has any anything non-neurotypical, it's still abuse. And I'm not any kind of expert, so I simply hope you focus of your safety, and your kids' need to be kids at home. Besides, they need to have one happy, loving parent in  their lives - and you, for yourself, I hope.

PS I spent too long with a neurotypical partner, who acted in hateful ways... just so you know.