I started feeling sick last Thursday. That night, I tried to go to bed a bit early, but my wife and daughter (10) were up screaming at each other in the next room until after midnight.
I am still feeling quite dragged out. Last night, I tried to go to be early. My wife knew I was still feeling sick. At first, I was kept up because our daughter kept using her echo at a loud volume. But then my wife got into a huge fight with our son (16) who would not surrender his videogame system. He kept pounding up and down the stairs outside of our bedroom. They both yelled a lot. I could feel the tension in my body and thought that I can't take anymore of this.
This morning, I told my wife about this and also said that the high level of conflict is affecting my blood pressure, which has not been high until a few months ago. Now it is over 150! She said she was sorry and acknowledged this. Then my wife starts talking about how well she handled herself last night. I held back saying "WTF are you talking about?" and gave an unenthusiastic agreement that she had tried to disengage during dinner. She repeated it several times and then made it clear that she was upset because I was not spontaneously praising her effort. I pointed out that it did not make sense for me to spontaneously praise her after she brought it up several times and I agreed with her.
I get to work--after missing two days--and she calls me up and starts crying and yelling about how I don't give her enough credit for trying. I pointed out that it was hard to do this after she was so inconsiderate about me needing sleep while I am sick. At one point, I mentioned that I always try to keep the kids quiet when she is resting. Oh, but she never rests! So it doesn't count! I then called her on dismissing my positive actions, just as she was yelling at me for not giving her credit for her efforts. Naturally, she repeatedly cut me off several times during the call.
As background, I grew up with my father and grandmother constantly yelling. It was often followed by physical abuse. My father whipped my thigh with a TV antenna I accidentally broke. My grandmother beat me with a hair brush or the metal clasp of a belt. Oh, and there was the game that my mother played of making the belt "talk"--opening an closing it so that it looked like a mouth and made loud slapping noises--as a warning about what I would get. Shout is therefore brings up a lot of traumatic feelings for me.
As a fellow someone with high
Submitted by Exhaustedlady87 (not verified) on
As a fellow someone with high blood pressure due to family stress, I sympathise. It sounds like a really unhealthy environment for you to be in. Perhaps, at 16, your son may be old enough for you to have a talk with? Could you perhaps explain his mother's condition (without oversharing - my mother overshared her marital issues with me as a teenager - only share what you absolutely have to) and set some rules about him not fighting or shouting at her, even if she shouts at him? I know teenagers kind of live in a bubble of self-centeredness that just seems par for the course, but he might be receptive, and in any case, would hopefully be respectful of your rules when you lay them out (e.g. she's your mother, you live under our roof, you need to do as I say and I say no yelling). It is perhaps asking a lot, in that teenager's brains are often a soup of hormones and sometimes their self-control is poor, but it's worth a shot. If she can't be the adult in the situation and keep her temper, perhaps he can (though he needs to be allowed the option to walk away if she's shouting at him, rather than just having to take it if she can't discuss something reasonably when he's trying to). In any case, though it won't feel like it right now, he's not far from 18, at which point he may well be off to college or whatever he chooses to do, and simply by him departing on his journey as an adult that particular issue may mostly resolve itself (except for visits - by which point he'll definitely be old enough to adjust his behaviour in your house)
As for your wife, last year I was in therapy for how to deal with a different family member (not my ADHD husband) who I think may have undiagnosed BPD, and the therapist said they need a lot of validation of their feelings. From what you've said, it sounds like she might also want you to validate her feelings? The trick I found was in how to validate without losing my own standpoint. How to acknowledge without conceding a defeat, per se. It was basically a lot of fine tuning of chosen words. "I hear that you're saying you feel X, Y, Z" or "I can see how you might feel that way." etc. I found it helped, but it did kind of turn every conversation into a game of verbal chess, and I only really find that sustainable when I see them infrequently, because it is mentally tiring being on guard all the time. But maybe some of those techniques (google how to validate BPD feelings) might be useful for you in the conflicts, as they're essentially, from what I understood, de-escalation tactics. Perhaps some of the information on dealing with BPD rages may also be transferable to ADHD temper tantrums, as it's a way of enforcing a boundary and minimising the emotional damage to oneself. Just an idea, both conditions basically come across as dealing with a child, in many respects. So perhaps some skills from one can apply to the other.
I'm not sure how to advise regarding your daughter. She is young and I know they can get pretty sassy around that age. But this situation can't be healthy for her either. Certainly, ten year olds shouldn't really be up until after midnight. I know it's very difficult to intervene when you're sick. I rarely get any help when I'm sick. Everyone else gets to be sick in peace, but not me. I wholeheartedly get you there! But perhaps if these fights are most common in the evenings, then maybe some form of firm evening routine could be established that could minimise points of conflict? Even if you're wife isn't great at sticking to it, your kids may be, and you three can work as a cohesive unit. But they will have to be very clear on what's expected of them by you, perhaps an agreed period of time on video games, and firm bedtimes. Possibly your son could be responsible for making sure his sister is in bed on time on occasion. Everyone I know with siblings were involved to a certain degree in the care of their younger siblings. They shouldn't be a substitute parent, but in my opinion some chores relating to their siblings isn't unreasonable, and in fact when I had my daughter I was really relieved that I'd been involved in my brother's care because it meant I felt I had a vague idea of what I was doing.
I don't believe discipline requires raising voices, or physical abuse. I'm sorry you went through that yourself. No one deserves that. My Dad rarely shouted at me. He just had this tone of voice that I knew I was in trouble and shouldn't cross him. But also, his discipline was, for the most part, sharp but short. It didn't drag on for hours. Which is what it sounds like your wife is doing, continuing the argument for forever. Something my mother tended to do with my sister and it was rarely effective in any real sense. If perhaps you struggle with discipline because of how you were disciplined, then maybe that's something you could address in individual therapy (if that's an option for you).
For what it's worth, you deserve to be respected and appreciated for what you do for your family. It can be a difficult time in teens as you suddenly come to the realisation that your parents aren't perfect, they're just people, and that can cause some anger as you fail to live up to unrealistic expectations. It's an adjustment for kids learning to allow their parents to be people - flawed people, as we all are. Your kids may be going through that phase, but hopefully they'll come out the other side and show you the appreciation you deserve. I know I had certain issues with my parents in my teen years, but I was also well aware of all the things my dad did for us and all he provided for the family, and though there were a good few upsets along the way, we would try our best to look after him as he did so much to give us the best he could. You deserve that respect. You deserve that care.
I just found some of your
Submitted by Exhaustedlady87 (not verified) on
I just found some of your older posts that have more details about your kids and the issues they have. Gosh, that sounds like a really hard situation for you, as it seems like it all rests on your shoulders as they may not be able to work with you to make things easier at home. I feel for you. It's a really tough one. I don't blame you for having had enough of it, nor would I blame you for doing whatever you have to do to make sure you don't drown under it all.
As they say on airplanes - put your own oxygen mask on first before helping others. Advice I'm trying to also follow. x
Validation
Submitted by bowlofpetunias on
Actually, I started validating two years ago. I thought my wife had BPD. I was elated by the possibility that it could be something treatable like ADHD. But, of course, she does not want to admit to having ADHD.
The second biggest problem for managing ADHD symptoms...
Submitted by Will It Get Better on
The second biggest problem for managing ADHD symptoms is that the 'manager' has ADHD. The biggest problem is denial of having ADHD.
Had to smile at this WIGB
Submitted by c ur self on
Your one line post may be the truest statement, I've heard here;)....My W isn't in denial of her add, she is just in denial of the effects of her add on others (justifies it, Oh, that's your problem)....;)
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