So, cried myself to sleep last night...
After two days of refusals to talk, which he, of course denied. Funny thing is I actually believe he does not identify the fact that I asked for talking about specific issues.
No sex for about a week. That anxiety thing on that issue just feeds.
He left at 11:30 yesterday saying he'd be back soon n returned at 9:30 last night.
Today he justified the behavior by trying to give me money n saying he enjoyed his time away from me. He completely ignored the fact he discounted anything I actually asked talked about.
The weird thing was then after saying his piece about how much he enjoyed his time away from me, followed by requesting I didn't comment on anything he said, he then seemed to be starting sex?
Oh, just shoot me. My self esteem always gets clobbered by the fact that I actually do want sex so badly, like a little lap dog really, that I usually go for it no matter how he treats me. I just couldn't do it today.That's a rarity because I'm generally so sex deprived. Even a casual sex stranger wouldn't treat me like the piece of garbage my husband does. I don't even think it's always intentional. It just is what is. His level of awareness for my needs... nil.
I love him to death. Would never have put up with years of this treatment if I didn't. I am planning on making an attorney appointment tomorrow to ask about legal separation. I don't want a divorce. I don't.
I feel so bad for him. Today he actually did some household chores, a rarity, however it just was a prime example of him not actually being able to prioritize any need I present. Wasn't that I wasn't grateful, lord knows he doesn't participate in household anything, but here we are at a crisis point with me saying exactly need n he just genuinely seems to not hear it at all.
I still want him, I still love him, but how much can a wife endure?
I want a husband, a human being to share life with... Someone who realizes what I said was this...
I need you to get your ADD treated to a degree where we can function as a couple. I need you to be able to hear me when I talk. I need someone to be able to love me back.
Mostly, it's just so damn sad.
I truly love this man who seems to literally have no empathy for me whatsoever. It makes me wonder what in the hell is wrong with me that I keep on keeping on.