In crisis mode, need hope

This is my first post.  I read Melissa's book, and others, and it all rings true for my husband and I.  We have an appointment on Monday to see a counselor.  My husband doesn't agree that our relationship issues stem from ADHD, but I know that they do.  I "worked on myself" for years, I did counseling, thinking maybe I'm depressed, maybe I have postpartum depression, maybe this is anxiety... it got to the point where my insurance company wouldn't support any more therapy for me as a "reason was not clearly defined."  He was so good at making me believe it was all my fault.  The resources I have read have been the affirmation I was missing all these years, that something bigger was going on.  When my husband was diagnosed, I tried to become an expert on this, reading all that I could, so I could understand him and help him.  As a teacher, I always believed that it was about disorganization and distraction, but it is SO MUCH MORE than that!  I wish he could see this.  If I read him excerpts, he gets mad saying I'm not a doctor and nothing I say is valid.  He makes wild assumptions, like I'm out to get him, or gather information to use against him.  I'm just trying to save us!  He doesn't get it.  Before I knew this information, we tried marital counseling from a therapist who shared that she had ADHD herself (I thought this was unprofessional?).  All the sessions seemed to hyperfocus on things like who should have done the dishes.  At one point, I voiced concern about all the junk in his car and the baby being transported in it (dozens of metal clipboards, heavy books, trash, etc. can be projectiles in a crash) and all the therapist said was, "well, being tidy just isn't a priority for him.  Maybe you should clean out his car."  I was at a loss.  We stopped going because our relationship got worse.  Now we are about to try again and I am so afraid that this new therapist won't know about the non-adhd partner's struggles, and he will just say "told you so."  We have hit rock bottom.  I left him this week and took my children with me (I have a 2 month old and a 3 year old who are suffering from all the dysfunction) when communication had broken down so badly that I couldn't say a single sentence without a defensive attack.  I'm not good at handling all this hurt.  I've gone on so long feeling crazy, unlovable, unattractive, uninteresting, like I'm just a dictator, a micro-manager or a maid.  I can't stop crying, I have no appetite but I am nursing so I need to keep eating.  I don't know if this is even salvageable.  I'm so scared.  Divorce seems like the end of the world, but I don't know if I can live in this hell anymore.  Our mothers got involved and it is ugly.  He and his mother want us to remain under the same roof, "go through the motions" and wait until Monday, like it's going to be a magic fix.  I, on the other hand, feel like it's mental torture, watching him be able to "put on a face" and go along with his life while I am grieving and feeling sick.  He is angry that I left for 2 days with the kids (yet had no problem sending us away for entire weekends so he could do things he wanted to do) so I took them home to him, only to see him put them in front of the TV while he went on the computer.  He didn't even notice it was lunch time!  I don't think he can take care of my kids alone, but he demands 50/50 time with them.  I'm already see signs of hyperactivity in my 3 year old.  I feel completely stupid for not getting out before having children.  Now I feel like I MUST find some hope, I must make this work.  I can't regret my children, they are my heaven.  I have put all my hope into this new therapist on Monday.  I hope we can get somewhere.  I worry I won't say the right things.  I worry I won't be articulate, and I thought about making a list of things to talk about but I don't want to go in looking like a controlling person or like I want to place blame.  I just need to learn how to react to his behaviors but it is so hard.  Can't he see our marriage is dying?  Can't he look at what the future will be like?  For him? For the kids?  Can't he understand the gravity of the situation?  Why can't we get along and be happy?  We have everything to be thankful for, healthy children, no one is dying... At this point I'm rambling.  Sorry.  I am just so sick with fear.