I am 25 years old and have been in a 2.5 year relationship with my partner who has ADHD. He has had it since childhood, and was on medication until he was 21, after which he stopped it as he never liked the side effects and felt that he was too 'serious' on it. Ever since we got together we have fought over his jealousy, insecurity, and quick temper where he will swear at me and explode before cooling down and expecting me to forgive him. I am a doctor and well aware of the ADHD relationship problems, especially after reading this site. 3 months ago he agreed to go back to a psychiatrist for an assessment and was put back on dexamphetamines. However he only takes them at work (as he works fly in/fly out) and therefore when he comes back on weekends he usually doesn't take them as they interfere with his appetite. Every weekend he has been home over the past few months we have fought, usually over him exploding over something which could have easily been talked to. And then when I get upset his inability to sit down and just talk through the problem means that he will just get drunk and pass out on the couch while I roam the house wanting answers and not being able to sleep. Although I know that my own bad temper contributes to things not being resolved, I've found that over the past few fights even when I have been calm and refusing to swear at him he will continue on on his own. Today he got angry at me and swore at me in front of a friend who was over for breakfast; I have been frustrated over the fact that I do all the household chores and work in my full time job whereas he comes home from up north and spends the whole weekend sitting on his computer looking up holidays. Today I went to grab the clothes that he had been sitting on that I wanted to put away and he just yelled 'Fuck!', pushed me aside and sat somewhere else, causing my friend to leave. Trying to not aggravate the situation like I've read on this site I went for a drive, and sent him a message saying I was doing so and would be back later. He sent me 5 or 6 messages about how apologetic he was, and how it wouldn't have happened if he had taken his medication, and would I please come home to talk about it. Yet when I did actually get home he shut the door in my face, started swearing at me 'because I'm angry' even though he knows I despise it, and told me that if I wanted to talk I should have come home earlier because now his medication had worn off (it had only been 4 hours) and he can't talk to me. He told me I'm a bitch etc, and then when I went and cried to myself came back and started hugging me and stroking my hair. But then when I brought up the fact he could have not sworn at me over making him move for the laundry off he went again, swearing away. Saying that all my friends hate him and think he's a 'cunt' - when I point out that maybe they wouldn't think that (even though they don't acutally) if he didn't talk to me badly in front of them he just gets more mad. Tells me to move on, find another doctor etc because he has a problem and I know it, yet I still get mad over it. The argument ended when I said that I've stuck by him just like his mother stuck by him, even though she's told me herself her friends used to think that she mistreated him by the way he lost his temper and swore at her. He ended it by crying and saying 'Fuck you cunt' before storming outside to smoke and have another beer. He's now asleep on the couch.
I know everyone has their own problems here on this site, and believe me I've done my fair share of reading trying to understand different perspectives and why we keep getting in these stupid arguments again and again. I understand that he is insecure, that he hates being on medication, that part of ADHD is that he loses his temper easily. But I do everything I can to help him to the point that I feel like his parent - I find myself making excuses to my friends and parents about his behaviour and the fact that he never sticks by his promises and goals, that he is disorganised and short tempered and can never seem to get his priorities right. I love him for who he is (mostly) but I can't accept him still swearing at me and exploding over things 2.5 years into a relationship. I know that he loves me and wants a family with me, but I don't want to be stuck in a relationship where I get yelled at by (likely) both my kids and my husband with no where to turn. I have stuck it out this far and want it to work but don't know what to do. He tried once trying to book us in for relationship counselling only to be told there was a very long waitlist and did not hear anything after that. When this isn't happening he's very loving, kind and generous and I know he genuinely cares for me, yet we have been over the same situation so many times that I have lost count. Is there something that I can do?