I love my husband, but I have become a shell of my former self. We have been together for nearly 7 years, but I am truly struggling with his ADHD symptoms and more importantly struggling with him being perfectly happy with the way things are. I am finding myself becoming more and more resentful of his choices that affect me and the heightened rejection sensitivity that comes with his ADHD. I try to be respectful and trust that he will have things handled, but it's really frustrating when each day comes with more choices that he has made that affect me negatively. I know he is struggling with his ADHD, but he refuses to try medication and says that he is working on his ADHD in his own way. We started Melissa's seminar, but we only got through session 1 and that was about a month ago. I try to bring it up, but I am met with groans and sighs as if it is such a chore for him to do this for us. I feel like I'm carrying the entire weight of our relationship as well as our finances. He's an avid spender and doesn't see it as such. He doesn't believe that he is spending too much of our funds. The fact of the matter is since we have been together, we have no savings and I was not this kind of person where I didn't save up and have money set aside. I'm very much a planner and want to make sure we have funds for retirement, but he's very much the in the now and want to enjoy life now kind of person.
I really find myself feeling depressed and I'm already in therapy and working with the therapist on how his ADHD affects me. I think I am miserable some days. Some days I think to myself, it must be nice living life without having to wash a dish or clean a toilet or do actual household chores. He tells me that he experiences executive functioning paralysis very often and I want to not blame him for making the mistakes he makes or how his ADHD symptoms make me feel exhausted, but it's so hard. I feel so utterly depressed that even when asking him to take the dogs outside just to potty is met with groans and sighs. It's painful and I don't want to vent too much to my friends or family because they will form opinions about him and I feel that's unfair to him.
I'm just not sure how to move forward. I feel resentment for how our lives are and I can't seem to see the light out of this. I know he's a caring and loving person, but I am having such a hard time showing him love when he doesn't want to help himself. I don't really want to go down the path of divorce, but I so exhausted, I'm not sure I have the energy to keep being the parent. He's labeled me controlling when I've been trying to keep us out of messes he creates. He doesn't want to use any tools that would be a compromise for us. Any suggestion I make seems to fall on deaf ears or he argues that he doesn't want to or can't do it.
What else can I do besides swallow the resentment in order to keep the peace? I feel like I walk on eggshells whenever there is something important to discuss. I can't really talk to him about things, because when I do his RSD comes into full effect and it gets turned around into how he feels he's being attacked or he gets full on depressed and I feel like the bad guy. Like tonight, I tried to talk to him about how I'm not trying to blame him, but I am truly struggling with understanding his ability to work full force on something that he's interested in and 0 ability to do something like help clean a mess he has made. I wanted a partnership in a marriage and this is not what I envision a partnership to be. So I keep asking myself should I give up and leave or do I resign myself to accepting that this is how our marriage will be with me swallowing all the resentment and exhaustion? Neither solution seems right to me. I'm also struggling with the fact that we made vows for better or worse, it good times and in bad. How do I tell the person I made vows to that I want to walk away because I can't handle the bad times? Is it even appropriate for me to walk away?
you aren't alone
Submitted by Off the roller ... on
Hey exhastedkitten, you aren't alone in this. I can't type much now but we are twins in our situations. I don't have advice for you. I'm currently in the middle of the same. I've had such a roller coaster of emotions AND we are also dealing with the spending problems AND grief. 2 new packages came today. And all the same existing projects are just sitting in our house..nothing is leaving the house. It's becoming a hoarding house and it's really upsetting bc that's what I grew up in and it's so unacceptable to me - and yet, I have NO IDEA how to make any changes or to get my husband to listen or just even give a s**t about me. Or for me to feel like he gives a s**t.
My only advice is to look after yourself. I don't mean bubble baths and bulls**t like that... I mean REAL self care. Work on yourself. Sit in the grief (cause that's what it is, ultimately), work through, let it flow through you and yes, there are lights that will start to shine through. Do something - anything - that you deep down inside love to do and that he's squished as of late. For me, it was Halloween. I love the holiday. He's ruined a lot of them. Thanksgivings too. I've just sat in my hurt, anger and resentment and yesterday I said 'not this time', dressed up, went out with my kids and had a blast. Full disclosure - it's scary and sad and all of it combined... do it anyways. While I was walking around with the kids, we had neighbours going with us too and they were all coupled up and affectionate with each other. It feels like a knife in me. It makes me so so so sad to see couples married for 10+ years and be affectionate. I feel joy for them but so much sadness for me.
So make yourself a list of the things that make you smile, make you feel good, anything... and then pick one thing that you can do that day - JUST ONE!!!! Don't overwhelm yourself. And then do it. Remind yourself that you can do these things and you can keep your promises to yourself.
Thank you!
Submitted by exhaustedkitten on
I really needed to hear this and I do need to fill my own cup! It's so nice to know that I'm not alone in this and to see that I'm not to blame for the problem. I was reading Melissa's article on allowing myself to grieve and I really need to do that and work through it. Thank you for the encouragement!
Thank you for reminding me
Submitted by exhaustedkitten on
Thank you so much for reminding me to take care of me first! I love holidays too and holidays for him seem to set him off and his depression sets in. I feel the same, I feel joy for other couples that I see so happy and I feel sadness for myself. I feel like I'm in fight or flight mode constantly.
What we promised
Submitted by Swedish coast on
I'm so sorry about this.
To me, unmanaged ADHD justifies divorce. Your partner might be limited in his self-awareness and also ability to change, and therefore perhaps not entirely accountable. But that doesn't make your situation acceptable.
He's not keeping his vows if he exposes you to the effects of his untreated ADHD. That he isn't aware of the impact isn't relevant to the end result for you. You cannot be expected to uphold your end of marital duties alone and see your years and ultimately your health run out.
I see no reason for you to stay unless you find it's in your best interest.
Please take care. Don't let decades pass unhappy like I did.
Unmanaged ADHD justifies divorce
Submitted by swampyankee on
Thank you for this comment, Swedish coast! I ended things with my husband of 22 years in May, whereupon he predictably asked for a "second chance". I foolishly agreed, but the requirements were that he needed to go to counseling for his anger management issues, and to get tested for ADHD. He did go to counseling, but not for anger. And he got to the point where he got a referral to get tested, but never followed through. I gave him Melissa's book to read, and to his credit, he did start reading it, but apparently stopped at the part where it mentions that the non-ADHD spouse exhibits a lot of anger. For some reason he felt justified in not exploring it any further because I am angry with him.
But that's just it! I am angry with him because he denies it, and because it isn't managed. If he ever acknowledged how his symptoms impact me instead of deflecting, I might not be so angry. If he got tested and started managing his symptoms, I might be able to live with him. But he's done neither. I am so very ready to get out of this and move on.
Agreed!
Submitted by exhaustedkitten on
I had a mental breakdown this morning and he wanted to know how he could help and I just unleashed everything I was feeling and told him that it's not his fault perse but that it is really hard for me to look at him and know there are things he can do on his part to make our lives better. He said he understood and wants to help so I can only hope that's a step in the right direction.
If you stay
Submitted by sickandtired on
If you stay, you are giving up on you.
You’re right
Submitted by exhaustedkitten on
I mentioned in a comment above that my husband and I had a talk this morning after I had a mental breakdown. It's just hard to see him struggle and then in turn me collapse under the crushing weight of the life responsibilities. I am hoping he can at least meet me a quarter of the way. He's already called a few times seeing if there's anything he can bring me to lessen my stress today. It's not that he isn't a good person, the symptoms need to be managed but he has to make that choice and eventually I have to choose me in the end. My health is priority 1
Save yourself
Submitted by Haveaniceday on
Your post could've been mine. If I knew at your stage what I know now, I would absolutely have left. Kids, finances and getting older makes it much harder, so if those aren't factors then take care of yourself first.
I know this sounds harsh, but honestly, the heartache and disappointment you are very likely to endure being married to an in denial and untreated ADHD spouse is no joke.
Sending strength and hope you find your clarity soon!
Thank you!!
Submitted by exhaustedkitten on
Thank you for this!!! I needed to hear that I'm not alone as I have been feeling as such for so long. My friends can only identify with me so much and this at least gives me hope that I can be ok!
Anger, Frustrated and Resentful
Submitted by Photographyjunkie83 on
Crossroads
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
Knowing when to call it quits, is not "giving up".
You can only push things down and swallow things for so long before they come bubbling up, or they manifest in other ways like poor health. I stuck it out for ten years with my ex.Husband. There was only so much I could do when I was the only one working on the marriage.
Not sure why my responses aren’t posting
Submitted by exhaustedkitten on
I'm not sure why it's not posting my replies, but I'm so grateful for all the responses to my original post. I have definitely forgot to take care of me first. I've been in this constant mode of parent child dynamic and in fight or flight mode due to the RSD. I too see happy couples and though I feel happy for them, I feel extremely sad for myself.
Note to Exhausted Kitten
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
We are doing a few things at the back end of the website and posts were delayed for a bit. Should be better now...
Melissa
Thank you!
Submitted by exhaustedkitten on
Thank you Melissa!
Have you read or listen too
Submitted by ADHD1488 on
Have you read or listen too ADHD affects on marriage by Melissa. What I keep hearing is don't try harder try different. Like try and be more affection and kinda with words and the way you speak to him, nagging it's the worse thing you can do and you will be meet with possibly anger and frustration by him. Try and speak during the day when he won't be as tired or that overwelmed so a weekend day will possibly be best.