Crush on Another

Hi All:

I was on this website several months ago and decided to disconnect. I found it depressing and wanted to be in a hopeful place about my DH. I kept reading articles, I put myself in therapy, we are in couples therapy - I am doing all I can to "help my marriage" but I am loosing hope again.

It started when I noticed I had a crush on a man at work. It was subtle at first - but then it turned to a small obsession. I started longing for him and even reached out to him in an email. We had a few conversations - and nothing happened. It was all in my head. I felt so bad and guilty - but the longing made me look at myself - and whether or not my needs are being met. I feel so alone in my relationship - and despite promises to make things better - I just feel disappointment for my husband.

I have Complex PTSD - so my husband's ways of being with ADHD have ways of triggering me quite a bit. Almost on a daily basis - if I am honest. He's gotten techniques to help with his ADHD - he's on meds and he's learned tips from a counselor - he still manages to get obssessed with projects, forget things, blame me for not helping him and he brings in less than $100 a week.

I've done a lot of personal work over the years. I grew up with poverty - I've taken a good look at it. I know that in order to remain mentally stablity - I need food, shelter and a sense of safety in my life. My husband, who is a bit entitled - hasn't proven that he can relate to this. He chooses unsafe situations, overlooks comfort and will say he's not hungry at home - won't pick any groceries out at the store - and yet, when we're in a social setting and there is food - he's the one going back for thirds and fourths.

I made a contract before we moved into our current place. It said that he needed to take responsibilty for half our bills. He's not honored it at all. I put my foot down at the end of last month - and told him he'd have to pay his half of the rent (I've been paying for both of us for as long as I can remember - and I have my own bills to pay off!) he went to his mother! She gave him a bag of canned goods and a check that was short $100. This meant (because of his financial situation) I had to make up for the missing part - not to mention the rest of the bills he ignores and avoids while working on his projects (that I say - angrily - never amount to anything).

What is this dysfunction? Why does he turn to his mother to "save him" and "scold him" and tell him he needs to pay her back? Which he never has done! Ever! How could he?

I feel like I share the same cycle with him: I pay - I scold - I ask for a return - he makes a promise he can't keep. I really want to put an end to this cycle. I want a lover who is responsbile and fun. I long to feel light and laughter - instead of anger and crisis. Falling into the arms of another man seemed like a solution.