Well, I was hoping to post again in the 'Progress' section, but unfortunately, I did NOT get the position that I really, really hoped (and thought) I'd get...

It's a program where I've been a substitute music teacher for TWO YEARS.  Everyone who taught there got the job through subbing, and I'd thought when one of the teachers left I would be permanent (all the other ones tend to be in their 20s and once they graduate from conservatory they head off to bigger and better things....).  The first time one of them left and a new teacher was hired, I thought, well maybe they just didn't realize I was looking for a permanent job.  So I told them that I'd like the opportunity to interview should someone else leave....  When they called me in to sub for the first time last year, once again:  a new teacher.  Then I thought, ok - I'm old.  They don't want someone with grey hair and kids....  they want twentysomethings.  But they kept calling me in to sub, and the chair of the department told me that I was always his 'first choice' for his studio.  The kids really like me and I believe I made a big difference with some of them.  (ages 9-18).  I felt good about myself seeing them on TV or professional sporting events and thinking, "Hey-I taught those kids!"  I'd smile when I'd come home and find sidewalk chalk hand prints on the back of my blazer from the kids who run up to me and hug me when I arrive. My heart broke when a 14 year old student gushed effusively about a wonderful new food he tried for the first time due to a new subsidized lunch program at school:  Salad.  And I cried when I found out CPS had taken a student away from her grandmother, and she was no longer in the program.

My interview was fantastic.  I was interviewed by the Director, and then I taught a lesson for her to observe.  Everything I suggested showed immediate and obvious improvement.  Then the director talked to me some more, asked me a lot of questions about working with kids in the small business I started 2 years ago, (she had gone to my website and had read everything) and told me that she really liked the way I taught and the way that I spoke to the student (12 years old) as I would any adult, and made him feel comfortable and respected. 

When she called today, I could tell I didn't get the job immediately by the sound of her voice.  She told me that it had been a 'really tough decision' and that this was a 'hard phone call' for her to make, but they found a candidate with better credentials (pedagogy - I just have a BA in Music and a Masters in Vocal Performance, but no 'education' degree).  She said she loved our interview and was glad to have a chance to get to know me better etc. etc. and she said the kids love me and they'd keep me on the substitute list, but she would understand if I didn't want to sub anymore.  I thanked her for calling, and said that yes, I could still be on the sub list (because after all - I need the money.  the job I got last week is only part time). 

But, here's the question:  Why would I NOT want to be on the sub list?  In addition to needing money, I also love the kids and the job, and it seems like a no-brainer that I would still want to work there even though I couldn't be faculty.  Is there a social cue that I've missed?  Of course, it's embarrassing.  Of course I am disappointed, I am CRUSHED, in fact.... but was she hinting that I should just go away?  Like, "he's not into you - give up!  Stop embarrassing yourself!"  kind of thing?