I don't know if this is an ADHD issue or what. But you all have experience that I don't have, so I'm hoping you have some advice.
my ADHD boyfriend and I just got into a fight. He seems to think its ok for couples to curse at each other. Jokingly, angrily, whatever. But if I get angry and accidentally curse at him, which I immediately regret, he's SO offended and SO hung up on it.
Finally, I got so tired of the argument, that I gave up. I said fine. We'll do this relationship the way you think it's supposed to be. You think your experience makes you wiser in that it's ok for couples to curse at each other, fine. You think I'm the crazy one to think that it's not ok. Then we will curse at each other and I won't get upset at you and you won't get upset at me.
It just drives me crazy how hypocritical he is. In our argument, he said that "it's not what someone says to someone who they claim to love". That's my exact point.
First, am I wrong here? Am I crazy to think that it's not healthy for couples to curse at each other? That yes, it may happen, but we should make an effort not to. To choose better words. If I'm wrong, can someone please explain and help me understand?
Second, if I'm not the crazy one, how can I make him understand?
i appreciate any feedback. Thank you
Stop cursing....stop calling names.....
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
My H always calls names when he's angry....horrible names. If I even respond with something like, "stop being an a-hole," then in his mind, I'm terrible....even tho he's just called me 10 bad names that are worse. So, for the past few years, I haven't called him any bad names....at all. So, he's the only one doing it.
He can't say, "I just did it because you did it." Which is what he used to say, even tho he'd ALWAYS do it first.
One thing I 've noticed with people with ADHD, is that they have a problem with "chronological order." They can call you ""bitch," "liar," and worse.....and then you say ONE NAME, and they will think you did it first and therefore deserved what you got for hurting them. Or they'll say, " well I don't have to apologize because we were both calling each other names."
So, don't participate at all in their bad behavior. Don't "go there".
You're Right
Submitted by pjkim2010vt@gma... on
I thought long and hard last night. I didn't speak or interact with him for the rest of the evening after our argument. I had an entire speech planned out. Miraculously, he asked me to call him in the morning and he said he would work on his cursing at me and that he's sorry he would hurt my feelings. I don't know what changed his mind this time around. I don't know how he came to this conclusion on his own, but I am grateful.
However, I did still have words for him. I told him that I would no longer lower my standards to fit what his previous relationships were like. I reminded him that those previous girlfriends and relationships failed for a reason. That if you did the same things as you did in those relationships, they might end the same way. I told him not to compare me and what we have to those relationships. We've been together 2yrs & 8mos. Neither of us are experienced in a relationship this long. So I challenged him. Instead of trying to change me to lower my standards, I challenged him to rise and meet mine.
So like you said. I will no longer "go there". I will no longer participate in his bad behaviors. Admittedly, it will take some work on my part, to control myself and the way I react to him.
And you're absolutely right about the "chronological order". He seems oblivious to the fact that he's yelling or cursing until I do it. Then it's game over.
The chronological order thing is a huge problem to Adhd
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
For the longest time, I kept saying, "keep things in chronological order," when H would try to retell why he was angry at me. He'd always start with something I said....and totally ignore the 15 nasty things he said first.
Now that I know that ADHD people have trouble with Now and "not now", this all makes sense.
So, be the adult, don't sink down to their level.
Now, at times they are REALLY going to try to get you to behave badly. That's generally when they know that they're supposed to "back pedal", but they don't want to....so they want YOU to say/do something bad to get them "off the hook."
One time H was looking for his keys. I suggested that he look in his gym bag since he had just come from the gym. He nastily answered that he already did. I remained calm. After we looked some more, I said that I wanted to check his gym bag again. H really yelled at me. Again, I remained calm. I opened his gym bag, pulled out his shoes, and voila! the keys were in the toe of one of his shoes. Again, I remained calm.
Now, by remaining calm, H was "between a rock and a hard place," He knew that he had to "back pedal" and apologize, but he didn't want to. IF I had been rude in return, he would have said something like, "well, I would apologize, but you were rude." But, he knew he couldn't do that. So, instead he broke down in TEARS and did apologize. (unusual...he's not a cry baby).
While it may have been unpleasant for him, it taught him a lesson.....AND it was a victory for me, because otherwise he would have twisted the whole event into finding some way to say that I didn't deserve an apology.
What I've noticed is this....
When THEY are in a bad mood or something bad has happened (late to work, lost something, broke something, etc) and then they are "itching" to find SOMETHING to yell at you about. That is their way to relieve their pain for a split second (very short). They will especially do this if they are miserable but see that you are in a good mood. So, be pleasant and leave. Find something else to do or someplace else to go.
Yes, I've noticed too that he
Submitted by pjkim2010vt@gma... on
Yes, I've noticed too that he lashes out his anger on me or his family. It took me a while to recognize it and notice it. Now, if I've just come home from work and he starts getting worked up over nothing, I know to ask him what really happened or to leave him alone til he cools down.
unfortunately, it's hard for me to sometimes remain the adult. Sometimes I get sucked in it and don't realize it til I've made my mistakes and just as you say, I've now given him ammunition. I'm still trying to find middle ground. When I'm trying to keep my calm, i don't interact as much and I'm mostly just replying. However, then my lack of response or emotion sets him off also. I've said to him several times in a argument, exasperatedly saying that no one is arguing with him. Reminding him over and over that I ve apologized for my mistakes and then apologizing again.
I struggle with who I'm supposed to be. Through experience, I learn how not to react so it doesn't set him off, but then when I handle a situation the way he says Will help it, the next time it sets him off. I sometimes feel lost in who I am because I'm always trying to change so that I can survive with him. I try to tell myself that we're learning and growing together but it feels like it's really me who's changing to keep up with him.
Sorry, I'm probably just being over emotional right now because we've just had a fight. I think I'll stop dwelling now.
Story of my life
Submitted by RedEyesOnOrange... on
<< unfortunately, it's hard for me to sometimes remain the adult. Sometimes I get sucked in it and don't realize it til I've made my mistakes and just as you say, I've now given him ammunition. I'm still trying to find middle ground. When I'm trying to keep my calm, i don't interact as much and I'm mostly just replying. However, then my lack of response or emotion sets him off also. >>
It's literally a no-win situation. Anything I say gets used against me (usually with a healthy dose of word twisting), but, just as you said, if I don't react (with words or emotions) he just gets even more enraged. It is a trap, there is no way to come out unscathed.
<<I struggle with who I'm supposed to be. Through experience, I learn how not to react so it doesn't set him off, but then when I handle a situation the way he says Will help it, the next time it sets him off. I sometimes feel lost in who I am because I'm always trying to change so that I can survive with him. I try to tell myself that we're learning and growing together but it feels like it's really me who's changing to keep up with him.>>
I'm often ashamed of the person I am with my H. I walk on eggshells for him, which is bad enough, but what's worse is it doesn't even work -- not for long at least.
<< Sorry, I'm probably just being over emotional right now because we've just had a fight. I think I'll stop dwelling now.>>
Please don't apologize! I'm currently sitting at a 24 hour restaurant bc my H and I just had a fight and I had to get out of there. It took a whole 20 minutes after picking him up from the airport before he started in on me. Guess he really missed me. (Why wasn't he gone longer??)
-R
Me, too!
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
<<<
I'm often ashamed of the person I am with my H. I walk on eggshells for him, which is bad enough, but what's worse is it doesn't even work -- not for long at least.
>>>>
I am often ashamed of myself too. here I am, a grown woman, my H is almost SIXTY! It it never going to end. I am too old for this!
I am seriously thinking of finding a cheap room to rent that I can use as a refuge. I can also keep stuff there that H would otherwise threaten to break in anger. I found one advertised, someone needed a sublet, and I almost took it. If I could figure out how to call it "an office" so I can deduct expenses, I will do this.
I was told that this stuff was supposed to "lessen with age," but it hasn't. The only things that lessen any of this is LOTS of exercise.....but not so much that H suffers a lot of after-pain. He has to wear himself OUT....he loves exercise....it's a drug to him.
R, I'm so sorry that you find
Submitted by pjkim2010vt@gma... on
R, I'm so sorry that you find yourself needing space so soon after his return. I wonder if it's not really you he's upset with but something that bothered him on his trip? I often find that when my adhd boyfriend lashes out at me for no reason, it's because something else was bothering him. phone isn't working right, issue with his car, something at work, traffic, Etc. Pretty much anything but me, but because I'm there, he unleashes his anger and frustration.
But I've been there. My guy is in the reserves, so one weekend a month, he goes away for duty. There have been times where he walks in the door and I wonder why he even came back/wish he hadn't.
,<<<<<
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
,<<<<<
unfortunately, it's hard for me to sometimes remain the adult. Sometimes I get sucked in it and don't realize it til I've made my mistakes and just as you say, I've now given him ammunition. I'm still trying to find middle ground.
<<<
It takes practice, but you will get there. Stay calm...and when he continues to escalate, then calmly leave. I always have my stuff near me....at all times....my phone, iPad, and a couple of essentials.
I keep my cell phone nearby and I have a recording app that I can quickly turn on when I see H getting "heated up" or annoyed and something is likely going to erupt. I turn the recording on. Then later, when H says that I was rude or "had a tone" or something crazy, I play the recording.
People like this have developed a terrible habit of convincing themselves that others are always the source/reason for their anger. In their minds, they've convinced themselves that YOU did something wrong. They need to be shown, over and over, that their victim did nothing to warrant the behavior that was meted out. That is their only chance of becoming self-aware at all.
It also helps to have 3rd parties around who aren't afraid to speak up and speak the truth. In some cases, going to couples therapy helped H become more aware, because the T pointed out hypocrisies, inconsistencies, etc.
<<<
When I'm trying to keep my calm, i don't interact as much and I'm mostly just replying. However, then my lack of response or emotion sets him off also.
>>>>
I have learned to say, "time out" when I can see that H is "heating up".
>>>
I've said to him several times in a argument, exasperatedly saying that no one is arguing with him. Reminding him over and over that I ve apologized for my mistakes and then apologizing again.
>>>>
Apologies actually often mean nothing to those suffering from these issues. The reason is that their pain, deep pain, has nothing to do with the "current offense.".....so an apology for whatever you've done wrong today does nothing to erase the deep pain from childhood or whenever. Often the pain is from a poor self-esteem.
We've actually talked about
Submitted by pjkim2010vt@gma... on
We've actually talked about recording arguments too, and have agreed to do so. It's just hard to remember to pull out the phone and record in the moment, since it often seems to escalate fast.
I also like to try and keep any problems between us, as a private moment. Regardless of what we're fighting about, I don't want to involve other people. But it doesn't always work out that way, because he is incapable of keeping his negative emotions directed towards whatever causes it. For example, we got into an argument once, driving to his parents house for a weekend visit and he was a completel jerk to them from the moment we walked into this house. I felt so bad for them that I pulled him aside, sweetly gave him a kiss, and told him everything we argued about was fine, it would be OK, etc, basically letting him off the hook.
And regarding apologizes, he is all for them when he apologizes. He expects me to instantaneously forgive him as soon as he apologizes and everything should be back to normal and we can hug kiss snuggle, etc. He's finally understanding that it doesn't work that way. Despite the fact that if I do something and apologize, he likes to beat a dead horse about it.
I've got to remember to record these things!!
<<<
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
<<<
And regarding apologizes, he is all for them when he apologizes. He expects me to instantaneously forgive him as soon as he apologizes and everything should be back to normal and we can hug kiss snuggle, etc.
>>>>>
Yes, same here. As soon as he says he's sorry, I'm supposed to instantly erase any feelings or hurt. If I have any lingering issues, then he'll begin yelling again saying that I'm being "an a-hole for keeping the fight going." Even though I'm not fighting, I'm just sad and not in a happy mood at that point.
>>>>>
He's finally understanding that it doesn't work that way.
>>>>>
Unless his T were to ever tell him that, he'd never accept it. And his T will never tell him that because he doesn't tell her the truth.
Apologies
Submitted by RedEyesOnOrange... on
<< And regarding apologizes, he is all for them when he apologizes. He expects me to instantaneously forgive him as soon as he apologizes and everything should be back to normal and we can hug kiss snuggle, etc. He's finally understanding that it doesn't work that way. Despite the fact that if I do something and apologize, he likes to beat a dead horse about it. >>
<< Yes, same here. As soon as he says he's sorry, I'm supposed to instantly erase any feelings or hurt. If I have any lingering issues, then he'll begin yelling again saying that I'm being "an a-hole for keeping the fight going." Even though I'm not fighting, I'm just sad and not in a happy mood at that point. >>
Paulllywaullly and OverwhelmedWife, I know exactly what you mean. I don't know how many times he's told me to "just get over it" or "let it go" bc he (semi-) apologized once, but whenever I apologize it remains an issue for days, week, even years! And he'll always accuse me of not apologizing when I actually did, and whenever I point out that I did apologize for something (usually several times), he says "well, it wasn't sincere", "you didn't really mean it," or "you just said that to get something from me." It's never good enough, it's so frustrating!
-Red