Is it normal to experience ups and downs in terms of ADHD symptoms?
My husband is in denial but almost certainly has ADHD, but there are periods of time, especially after an especially big screw up but, also just in general, where he exhibits better control (or is it just masking?) of his symptoms.
It's crazy making for me. We've gone through a bit of time where's he's been pretty even-keeled emotion-wise and pretty reliable otherwise but...this last week was a s*** show culminating with today's complete disaster which resulted in a late dinner, an overdrawn checking account and two stressed out parents. (One of whom was stressing the other out due to unmanaged ADHD behavior)
I, of course, blew up, making me the bad guy.
I suspect we'll go back to a period of "normal" until something else comes up.
Are the ups and downs normal?
Same thing here
Submitted by adhd32 on
Things seem to be cyclical for us too. Weeks can pass and we chug along and then some minor thing will trigger the most outrageous reaction and meltdown. H will play the victim and blame anyone and anything just so he doesn't have to admit he was overreacting. I keep my distance and make myself scarce when he is in a mood. I tell him straight out that I don’t like how he is behaving and hold him accountable for his behavior. He is all show but when he feels the consequences of his behavior (me ignoring him and carrying on without him) he tries to minimize the severity of his behavior. There is no chance that H will change and pointing out his behavior is a recipe for an argument. I ignore him, he becomes invisible to me after one of his outbursts. He has no audience which cuts down the time he wallows in victimhood. Nothing can ever be discussed so whether right or wrong I protect myself from his fallout...It's a never ending cycle.
Submitted by needingstrength on
All of this is so similar to what my H and I go through. We've been together so long, I know him well. I've gotten to the point where I am actually able to keep my cool on the outside 90% of the time (still feel quite frustrated on the inside) because absolutely nothing, zero, nada, ends well when he is in a "state." Doesn't matter what I say. Even apologies trigger him to lose it. You are so right. I have gotten to the point of just completely shutting off because it's more about protecting myself and keeping the family peace for our kid. Any conversation is a waste of time until he pulls himself out of blaming everyone else. He is offended by everything. Then will blow up and claim I've been treating him horribly all day...and will name off things and assign a tone or emotion to it that wasn't there at all and use that as the basis of him being offended. He will shift blame in any manner possible to put responsibility on me for his bad mood. ("If you had not had X tone, then I wouldn't be upset!" and statements like that. Or my personal favorite "You need to relax."). It is exhausting but in order to keep peace (and since there's no reasoning with him anyway) I just don't engage and go about my business. It would be wonderful for him to get to the point of recognizing what he's doing but I've accepted he just won't.
OMG I get the same blame
Submitted by How Long will t... on
OMG I get the same blame regarding "the tone" I used, when in fact there was NO TONE AT ALL!
it becomes the norm....
Submitted by ShouldaCouldaWoulda on
Towards the last 4 or 5 year years of a 30 year relationship- it always came down to the tone of the conversation- no matter whether or not it was heated..it was guaranteed to turn into an argument.
You also have probably been a witness to the 'Saturday Fights'....they were almost 3 weekends a month...for 28 plus years.
WOW! It was Sunday fights for
Submitted by How Long will t... on
WOW! It was Sunday fights for us. He used to work on Saturdays and I remember saying to him, "we get one full day a week to spend together and without at doubt you will pick a fight".
Review 'RSD' posts on this site
Submitted by Will It Get Better on
The extreme reaction by the 'ADHDer' to 'the chickens coming home to roost' could be a manifestation of the ADHD symptom/comorbidity known as 'Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria' (RSD). There are several posts on this site regarding RSD (see Woodson's research) and 'emotional dysregulation' (see Barkley's research.)
Completely familiar with RSD
Submitted by swampyankee on
My husband is like the poster child for RSD so I know it well. I was more asking about whether others experienced a cycle where the ADHD spouse will endeavor, and often be successful, in controlling impulsivity, lateness, forgetfullness, etc...and then have it all break down again (in our case, all at once).
I HEAR YA
Submitted by kosty on
My husband is the same way, totally in denial that he has ADHD, he was great for about three weeks, then this weekend of course my birthday weekend, it has be to a crazy one.
It started Friday night, asking for marijuana gummies, he smokes marijuana, and we have boundaries in place. I asked him not to smoke on my birthday weekend he agreed, but still had to ask me for gummies Friday night. Of course I was disappointed, angry, but I know he didn't sleep all week, so I said fine.
Saturday, he woke up in a very selfish mood, very short with me, ect. He slept all afternoon and then when he got up went straight to his computer until dinner time, which is fine by me. I have learned to deal with him sleeping a ton and being on his computer.
Sunday, he comes down after taking a shower and says we need kitchen garbage bags, I said no we don't we have two boxes from your mom's house, I could hardly get out that sentence when he realized the dog pooped herself, so I started helping cleaning that up, once that was done we get in the car to go grocery shopping, and he says don't forget we need kitchen garbage bags, I said back to him in a calm voice, no honey we had this conversation already, he starts getting mad at me, I said let me give you a hint so maybe you will remember, I said your mom's house, he says angrily I don't remember, then I touched his arm and said ok and redid that whole conversation. He says oh yes I do remember something like that but I wasn't listening as I got distracted about the dog poop. I said ok I get that, but can you see how frustrating it is for me, he said no. I thought ok just let it go, today is my birthday and nothing will ruin it.
He woke up this morning in a good mood like he was three weeks ago.
I have read every book, done tons of research, I'm doing the non-adhd group on Tuesday, but wow is it so hard not to get frustrated, angry, hurt, ect. I'm trying to change my mind and my reaction process, but it is hard.
I guess we just have to remember the good weeks, and when the bad weeks happen just say this too shall pass.
I hope my sharing help to let you know you are not alone.
The garbage bags!
Submitted by Eighpryl_AB on
Ok, I'm sorry. I know this wasn't the point of your post, but the garbage bag part made me nod emphatically just reading it, because I have these kinds of conversations so often! Like, we addressed the problem or question, we arrived at a solution to the problem or question, and soon after the same question is asked all over again, as if he had no idea that we already addressed and solved this. I really used to think he did this on purpose to make me crazy or to try to get a different answer out of me because he wasn't happy with the first answer or solution.
Absolutely there are cycles.
Submitted by How Long will t... on
Absolutely there are cycles. We have been married 27 years and this is how our cycle goes. I deal with what I call living in the twilight zone for weeks at a time. Then one silly stupid thing will cause him to go off to the point that gets me to tears. Then we're good for awhile. It's like he pushes, pushes and pushes. And then when I'm at my wits end and have a break down he knows it's time to reset and he tones it back and we start all over again.
Yes here to the cycles
Submitted by Elsa on
I too have noticed these cycles and at times it makes me feel like there is hope because you get a good period in our case we are talking days before it all spirals out of control again . I know the bad days way out number the good but on those good days I convince myself we can do this , we can be happy , it can be fixed . I think on those days I must have the ADHD spouse equivalent of beer goggles on but on all the other days the normal days the ones that make up most of our life, where ADHD is turning our life to an absolute exhausting , despair filled horror show , I think I must be nuts to believe there is a happy ever after for us .
I am currently hiding out and trying to stay warm after one of his tantrums that has left me without heating or electricity .
Note to self - please read this when you next get a few good days and give your heart , soul, belief and time to a relationship that can never be anything but a fractured mess due to the axe of ADHD smashing it's way through .
Thank you all for being a true Godsend , I have no idea where I would be without being able to pick up this forum .
Wishing you all a peaceful and good day .
That right there...it will fool you.
Submitted by ShouldaCouldaWoulda on
You said - "I know the bad days way out number the good but on those good days I convince myself we can do this , we can be happy , it can be fixed ."
I lived with that false hope for 30 YEARS...and the last 12 of those was diagnosed but no treatment for her- She said she didnt need help and only she could determine when she needed help. It usually never ends pretty, ask me how I know.
Submitted by CandyCoatedAnxiety on
This post seems to be talking about me - i'm good for a few weeks, and then I'd screw everything up in the process because I'm complacent and relaxed...only to find out I am procrastinating again, messing up our finances, which will end with my husband shouting abuse at me because I didn't follow through with my promise of not going over budget. I don't know what I need to do just stop myself from suffering from ADHD...I'm waiting for my appointment with my GP next month so that he can help me schedule an ADHD test. I just want this to stop so that my husband will be happy.
I’m sorry, Candy CA
Submitted by Swedish coast on
I'm sorry about your distress and feel for you. This must be so confusing and stressful. I understand that I don't understand what it's like to have ADHD, being the non-ADD partner in our household, but I know how a good person can suffer from their symptoms and want only to make things right for their loved ones.
Your symptoms are not your fault. I believe your good intentions. I hope you don't feel blamed or judged in the forum.