I had stopped daring to make a scene. I would stuff, deny, shut-up about anything and anybody. H would lie in front of me and I would "let it go". H would forget a promise, say mean words, slam things, tease me, make me the butt of his jokes....I would ignore, pass off, pretend he hadn't. I did not have a mentor/model on how to respond without going to that "nasty" place myself. I had not wanted to be a loud, yelling, in-your-face person. I don't like to live like life and love were a sparring event. So, how does a person hold their own ground with grace and peace and love?
Tho I haven't made many scenes, those that I recall were some of my best moments. My contribution to my marriage's failure is that I did not want to make a scene. I must have been boring and seemed inconsequential to H all these years for him to treat me with so little respect and carelessness. I did not realize it but I know it now, that H would have better paired with a screaming, yelling, demanding verbal sparring partner. I still don't want to be that person or put my thoughts and efforts into bickering.
So, anyone have a model in their lives who are articulate and able to command respect with love? I have not had that mentor/model. But I would like to be that model for my kids and grandkids. Mostly I have been a model in how to "take it on the chin" and "turn the other cheek"...yuk.
One thing I learned is to not be afraid to make a scene. Have that conversation at the time immediately when those words need to be heard. Don't be afraid someone will think you are a nag or bossy or un-nice. You don't need to be loud, but bad behavior needs to be called out right away. Even if it is to say the rude person's name back to them with an incredulous tone. Bad behavior just can't be ignored.
I knew this when we were first married and I was not afraid to make a scene when needed. But I let myself be spoken down by words I didn't want to hear from a husband. H would want to win rather than discuss or debate. I couldn't bear the mean/cussing words or the sarcasm. I didn't want that to be part of my married life. Well, that was wrong.
Now I have to build up my verbal abilities and not be afraid to call out rude and bad behavior. Make a scene, if necessary.