Thank g that I have cats, for now: or I don't know if I would or could have gotten outta bed right now. Now the battle of actually..packing and finishing a lot!! I'm beginning to feel spaced...zoning out on the near by Fetzima pamplet...feeling that void that comes right before I retreat. ...Ahhh Shit...I have it..the felling of light yet weighted null of existance. I have this not so great 'gift' at times to 'shut down' my thoughts and be blank...empty...hollow space that could soon be followed by: a stay in my notoriaous space..in my mind ( it's thought that I learned this coping skill early as a child). Great..but it's now a beast of its owm. Its not intentional or even requested ..most times. I just go for the ride. I don't know if any of this makes any sense. But I'm trying to describe how I feel right now...right before I begin to withdrawl...from myself and reality. Avoiding life and my feelings. Avoiding the truth..?? Or 'just' panic. is it ADHD causing this panic...my life...the fact that I have a few day left. to get out. Or simply the fact that I"m waiting for y first dose of ADD kicks in. I'm sure there are many coping or whatever...dealing or something but I dont have these 'tools' yet and honestly...Right NOW..trying really hard....Really hard right now to focus while "I" my brain...thoughts fight for survival. AHH Bkahdfj!!
Before diagnosis: I would have immediately gone back to bed...staring at nothing..but its the wait for the ADD to kick in that keeps me up...and yes: writing my thoughts is extremely helpful. To examine where I am and what I feel...etc. k. OMG...it feels sooo weird. knowing and actually 'feeling' or trying to describe what is happening vs just spacing...''?? is this: being here...being present? My body is up..but I am still fighting to gain 'control' over my brain. it's still not my own. You know that 'clarity' that happens..the Fog being lifted' when you first take meds...?? Remember how amazing it was!? It's weird. The cloud 'has lifted.' BUT its like I can just SEE the Clarity of the void...???
I don't even know what I'm even trying to say. I don't expect you too. But of ALLL the 'others' out there...I think I'm in the right spot to 'sound crazy'. Oh. how many times I've wished I could just have someone in my shoes for a day...or a few hours...they'd probably just IMPLODE!!
Lifted the blinds and now....here I go. I think if I just start moving ..things will happen.
Thanks for the insight....
Submitted by c ur self on
I've often wondered how my wife is really feeling, I mean, how it feels to be in her mind at times...Some days she just shut's down...She may stay in bed 24 hours...get up to grab a bite to eat take it back into the bed without a word...(I have to move the dishes off myside:)....Other day's she may never come out of the bedroom, she may spend 8 or 10 hours just playing with her jewelry boxes. I think she trusts me a little more these days, so If I walk in and see her in this state she may look at me with that blank looking stair and say something like "I'm not getting much done today" I've learned to just not say anything, unless it's just an encouragement or give her a huge and tell her to just relax and do what she wants....I've found over the years anything else I might try to do in an effort to help shake her out of this state, only produces pain for us both. We've come a long way, if she's struggling now, I can ask her if she's taken her Adderall without her spouting off something ugly like my question was an attack....Probably the truth is I'm just learning how to make my questions kind and not be an attack...Yuck..Puke it up!
Ohhhh my goodnes...You are
Submitted by s00manyquestions on
Ohhhh my goodnes...You are 'haunting my mind'!! I mean that with the most sincere love. I've been 'trying' to respond to your other responses as they have REEAALLY affected my thoughts...thus my sleep...(jus woke up...due to falling asleep at 4.) Thinking...pondering...introspect...and listening to everyones encouraging and insightful words. This is more support and understanding that I have EVER gotten in my life and I'm triying not to dwell on one thought or another as they all seem to pull my attention. OK.....focusing...as for this one: yeah...it's a strange...'place'/space to be in. I've known it long enough to idenify with it..?...But it's like: I have the 'power' of x ray vision that doesn't have an end.!! 'SPACING' out..yeah...looking ahead...but you see thru that and behind that and so on...where is the end???....first out of curiousity...you follow eagerly. Eventually....sooner or later (UNKNOWN) it's exhausting n shutting down is the 'only' option. Or at least, out of exhaustion...learned behavior. --- something that I'm learning as of these past few weeks...especially last 5 days...when I was first diagnosed...and I was in the midst of sorrow: As my norm..I moved 'forward' as in my body..by my mind wasn't quite there. My body pulled my mind out of necessity. Honestly....I didn't get much of 'anythin' done....at least on 'the list' of things to do" -- priority ---- YESTERDAY. ... I was feeling bably about this...but as I really broke it down...I'm finding: in the past 5 days: I have 'done' more help for ME and other than I've EVER done in my life. ---This is how: I'm giving myself permmission to 'rest' and recharge to prevent a full blown shutdown. ..but yet..staying in my lane...goal in mind. I'm not allowing myself to 'place myself' into situations (especially) w x that I KNOW will only result in pain and suffering.
You sound like an amazing H and F...understanding, patient, loving, supportive an so. on!! I mention this from the support you given me and others. Also, as I contemplate my failed (lets say:::learning) relationship..I notice a pattern that shows itself and me. The kind of man that I typically find. And what my heart and mind knows I need and deserve. ...I came to and concluding a lot of thoughts regarding the VPR article and how it relates to me...OMG!! ......a lot of spices are thrown in this stew!!! Thanks for that reminder that 'you' guys DO exist and THAT's the lane to be in.
I would really and rather sit here: contemplating...reading...learning and responding with all of you but TODAY! I am going to get a lot done. Slow and steady wins the race.!!