Thank g that I have cats, for now: or I don't know if I would or could have gotten outta bed right now. Now the battle of actually..packing and finishing a lot!! I'm beginning to feel spaced...zoning out on the near by Fetzima pamplet...feeling that void that comes right before I retreat. ...Ahhh Shit...I have it..the felling of light yet weighted null of existance. I have this not so great 'gift' at times to 'shut down' my thoughts and be blank...empty...hollow space that could soon be followed by: a stay in my notoriaous space..in my mind ( it's thought that I learned this coping skill early as a child). Great..but it's now a beast of its owm. Its not intentional or even requested ..most times. I just go for the ride. I don't know if any of this makes any sense. But I'm trying to describe how I feel right now...right before I begin to withdrawl...from myself and reality. Avoiding life and my feelings. Avoiding the truth..?? Or 'just' panic. is it ADHD causing this panic...my life...the fact that I have a few day left. to get out. Or simply the fact that I"m waiting for y first dose of ADD kicks in. I'm sure there are many coping or whatever...dealing or something but I dont have these 'tools' yet and honestly...Right NOW..trying really hard....Really hard right now to focus while "I" my brain...thoughts fight for survival. AHH Bkahdfj!!
Before diagnosis: I would have immediately gone back to bed...staring at nothing..but its the wait for the ADD to kick in that keeps me up...and yes: writing my thoughts is extremely helpful. To examine where I am and what I feel...etc. k. OMG...it feels sooo weird. knowing and actually 'feeling' or trying to describe what is happening vs just spacing...''?? is this: being here...being present? My body is up..but I am still fighting to gain 'control' over my brain. it's still not my own. You know that 'clarity' that happens..the Fog being lifted' when you first take meds...?? Remember how amazing it was!? It's weird. The cloud 'has lifted.' BUT its like I can just SEE the Clarity of the void...???
I don't even know what I'm even trying to say. I don't expect you too. But of ALLL the 'others' out there...I think I'm in the right spot to 'sound crazy'. Oh. how many times I've wished I could just have someone in my shoes for a day...or a few hours...they'd probably just IMPLODE!!
Lifted the blinds and now....here I go. I think if I just start moving ..things will happen.