Date night

Hey all-I'm new to posting here, thought I've been reading for a long time.  I'm so thankful for this site, as my husband and I are new to dealing with his ADD (recently diagnosed).  Our marriage blew-up, but we are on the road to recovery, thank goodness!  

My question is really for anyone here who has ADD/ADHD.  What kind of date nights are fun for you?  We are really having a hard time finding ways to "go out" that work for both of us.  Any great ideas out there?

 

 

 

wow, I know this is pretty

wow, I know this is pretty late of a response and I hope you've come up with some interesting date nights.

Providing your spouse is not anxious over spending money or being out, there are so many things for a date night. After 20 years of marriage and with my dh trying hard to break the cycle of never going anywhere, and we're going to a comedy club soon (his choice of venue). I was/am nervous about being in such a public place after so many years sitting at home tho. But I can't wait to start doing more things and hopefully do the things I missed the most the last many years. I just have to be cognizant of the fact it's not going to happen all at once and it may even go very slowly... like one event a year... I know the limits of the ADHD dynamics and I am being realistic so I don't end up disappointed :)

places that my ADD dh has expressed a willingness to try out but we've yet to go are (and I would love to go):

dinner/theatre show; Broadway play, musical concert

concert at a civic center; free concerts in the park

late night galleries, late night museum

trying new restaurants (nothing to expensive or fancy, we want everything stress free), hibatchi/grill place where the chefs perform their knife skills.

movies followed by cappucino

wine tasting, book store presentations, farmer's markets in evenings, auction houses, etc

We have done a few evening ballgames with the kids, and mall trips in the evenings to walk around. That's about it.

 

 

 

Date night

I'm the ADHD-spouse and going out for dates is easy for me.  It can be dinner, drinks, coffee, walks, shopping, the beach, whatever. My problem is not being able to go out, we have 3 kids (8, 5, 2). We'll go out every now and again, but we usually try to have "stay at home" dates. I never know what to do. My wife doesn't want to just cuddle up and watch a movie. We've done drinks and a game, cheese and wine (or beer) pairing night, massages (me giving her one), and dinner (something the kids won't eat and one on one convo). These are starting to become repetitive (my wife wants an every Friday date night). 

Any other "at home" suggestions for date night?  I've been asked to spearhead the date nights as my wife organizes/plans most of the rest of our life. 

TIA

R U saying

Is it that you are bored with this routine, or that you are afraid she will become bored? It is an important distinction.

For some, routine and ritual can be very comforting and also, stimulating.    What is your favorite part, and what is hers? maybe determine what each finds most satisfying and then find ways to add variety by varying those rituals.  You don't need to find something new every time.  Variation can occur with the same behaviors repeated over time.  You can do something in August that you don't do in January, or vice versa. That kind of "scheduling" can build anticipation in the relationship. It need not be expensive - ADHD persons can use their creativity, here, but also pay attention to the spouses reactions.  Obviously you don't create variety just for its own sake.  What does each partner enjoy, most?  Build on that, and if you can find meaningful ways, it will strengthen a relationship greatly.

I wish I could say I know this from true experience, but I am hoping it might work.

L

She's bored

I am fine with repetition, but maybe that's because it makes it easy for me.  She's feels like whenever I suggest my "go to" activity of drinks and me giving her a massage, that it's me copping out.  Not putting thought and effort into spending time with her.  My feeling is that I know it's something that I am good at, it's me giving her attention (I never expect a massage in return, I also hardly ever get one), so I feel like I am being self-less.  Anyway, I guess I need to listen to her, and change my behaviors. 

Date night repetition

This is pretty tough.  How many options are there really.  You could try new discussion topics: Russian lit, astronomy, car racing... Cooking something new culturally together. Have the kids put on a play. New activities like badminton, roller skating within close range, ping pong, etc. invite another couple over for dinner once a month.  Do you have a tendency to talk about the same things? If so, she may be more bored by the same topic rather than dinner itself. It's hard to stay interesting to anyone over the decades if we don't get new material from time to time. And remember to ask about her, and what she thinks about something. Good luck and post any good ideas.

Most recent idea

We recently bought a Nintendo Wii at a garage sale for the kids.  She and I have played a couple games together and have had fun.  So, I just sent her an Evite asking her to join me for game night. 

She likes being asked out so that she has something to look forward to.  Sometimes I forget to ask (because we've already agreed on Friday nights, so why do I need to ask????), and it doesn't go well for me.  So, I am listening to her requests and addressing a need of hers. 

Very nice

She may like the invite cuz it shows you remember and are thinking of her. I like the Wii plan. Good to be silly together. I also wonder if there are how to dance type DVDs that might be fun. Tap dancing, ballroom, r&b.  Or some other hobby. You can have your own personal quilting Bee. 

  I definitely enjoy things

 

I definitely enjoy things when hubby puts in some thought himself.  Otherwise,  it's Just another thing that I take care of.  Every second Thursday we have a child free dinner.  Which he never remembers In advance,  but I always get him to cook.  He enjoys It, he's good at it. I cop the clean up,  but oh well. I usually manage to get a word in too,  always satisfying.  Massages are nice,  but I find my hubby Is poor at reading My mood and will want to Massage me at the wrong time. Like when one of the kids are yelling or something.  Maybe it's the 'now/not now' thing.  Just cause He's decided it's 'pay Attention To Wife Time' doesn't mean I can instantly be available. Which is exasperating,  because more attention is what I dearly want.  And by the time I'm free he has forgotten.  Lord I miss the hyper focus stage.  Feeling like I have to rush to be ready to receive his attention when he feels like bestowing it, makes me feel like I'm not really worth his time,  that he's just fitting me in as a slightly Begrudged favor.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Your Needs

Perhaps you might suggest to her that it would feel great to get a massage.  Most partners of people with ADHD enjoy being "caretakers"  if you tell her that you would like this, it might be helpful in some way. Physical relationships are so complicated, and every couple is different.