Dating an ADHD guy, break ups

Hi Everyone,

I recently started dating a guy with adhd. At first I didn't know anything about this disorder, he told me a bit about it but never went too indeep.

He had very bad past relationships. Of which the last ended one month before we met. He said he loved this girl but then I found out that they have been seeing each other rarely and more in a friendly way, then when to him it was time to be official and be bf/gf she freaked out and told him that she didn't care and wanted to date other people. He doesn't seem to realize that this might be depending on him.

With me he has been perfect for the first 3 weeks, due to the hyperfocus (which seemed quite short) and after he started complaining that I wanted too much attention and that he didn't have time for that. He doesn't want to be my boyfriend, he wants to build the relationship gradually without defining it. The risk is not that he would cheat on me, is more that I feel like he doesn't really like me anymore.

We had several arguments on the fact that he is not present at all when I am not around. When I see him he is lovely, but then if anything happens he starts blaming on me that he didn't do stuff because he was spending time with me. He makes me feel like I am a waste of time for him. 

Also he is a photographer and always have beautiful models around, some of them are quite outgoing so it is hard for me to not be jealous. The other day she posted a picture of them laying on bed, and looking at it anyone could think that they have something more than friendship. I trust him but I don't like the picture and I tried to let him know. i tried not to be too aggressive and sent him teasing messages like "mister your cuddles are mine and only mine...mwahaha" trying to make him smile. Fact is that he is also dyslexic and he misunderstands messages all the time so he got all this messages wrong.

We broke up once, because he was having doubts about me, that I was too demanding and couldn't leave him the space he needed. But we kept in contact and he came back to me, but when he had a really really bad problem, so I have been there for him. I have to admit that I felt a bit used, because as soon as the problem was solved he started acting again like before.

Now again he sort of broke up with me, and I don't even know. The other night he was supposed to come to my place, but he didn't text me or anything, so I tried to contact him several times and he didn't reply. I called one of his friends which I knew was at his that day and she passed me him on the phone. He said he had to sort out dinner with her and then he would let me know what he was going to do. I told him I was tired and he should tell me now if he was not coming, because I didn't want to wait for his message and maybe he was not even coming and he got mad at me. Saying that he didn't want to see me, that the messages I sent him where disgusting (he used this word), that I have been calling him all day and that I want attention but he cannot give me attention. He has to focus on his life now and be sociable in his industry, he cannot worry about me.

He said he would call me in a few days. This happened tuesday. He is posting pictures and statuses like he is doing brilliantly, meeting friends etc...

I feel terrible, laying in bed, crying. Also got sick and feel totally week. I know the best thing would be to let it go. Because is just two months and it should not be like this. But I have been spending so much time with this guy, staying at his place even 3/4 days a week. I fell in love with him and I don't want to lose him. I know it is going to be hard, but if I can figure out how to deal with his adhd then maybe it can work. I am only afraid now that he won't come back to me this time. Can someone help me understand?

I'm so sorry you are going

I'm so sorry you are going through this.  While many of the behaviors you've described could be attributed to ADHD, I would never ignore that inner voice you're hearing right now.  If you feel he was using you, he probably was.  Saying "he broke up with me and I didn't even know" demonstrates his complete immaturity.  

I am speaking from personal experience.  You should not have anyone in your life that makes you cry as much as this man has made you cry in just 2 months.  Yes, it will hurt right now if he doesn't come back, but that hurt will be short-lived and make you a stronger woman.  If he continues to treat you so poorly and you keep hanging on, the hurt will be indefinite.

I've heard myself say the same thing - if I could just figure out how to handle his ADHD, things could work.  I agree the non-ADHD partner has to work hard to understand.  But for a successful relationship to evolve, both partners have to work to understand each other.

I've never met you, but just from reading this one post I can tell you are a woman with a lot of love and caring to give to a relationship.  I KNOW there is a man out there who will not only be worthy of your love and care, but will return it back to you in heaps!!!!

But you need to do what is right for you to process the situation.  If you need to cry and watch sad movies for a few days then do it.  If you need to give him one more chance to feel you've done everything you could, then do it.  If you want to walk away from him right now, then  do it.  Just whatever you do remember to take care of YOU first and foremost.

Hugs!!!

Thank you so much

Thank you so much

It was a very moving answer. 

Things have evolved, I ended up entering his profile on OkCupid, where we actually met, and found out that the whole time he has been seeing me he also texted a lot of girls to go out for drinks. i confronted him on this and all he replied is he just wanted to meet them as friends, because sometime he feels lonely and wants to meet new people (which he can easily do due to his job). He said that he never told me because he was afraid I would understand, and he lied to me every time I asked him if he was still using it. Those messages are very flirty and even if his profile says "for friends" his words don't say that.

I ended up falling again but this time he said he didn't want a relationship with me, because I am too possessive. Now he wants to be my friend...

I honestly doubt he can be a good friend for me, even if I didn't carry this feelings. The other night I needed him, because I was drunk (right after our break up) and didn't know how to go home. My friend called him and all he could say was "I am heading out with my friends now, she should sort out herself, make sure she goes home". He doesn't really care, ADHD or not.

So I will go my way now. I don't think we will ever be friends, but he can try if he wants. I just know that right now I need to think for myself, and sort out my life. I feel like I have spent too much time already running after him and really not doing what I should really do. I feel like I waisted my time there, so I am not going back. Even if it hurts.

Thank you so much for the kind words. I really appreciate them!

You deserve better than this!

Don't put yourself into these situations!  You don't need to chase this man who doesn't treat you well!  He's not even acting as a friend, let alone someone who loves you.  I hope you can realize that people like that are not worth any of your time or effort.  There are good people but this guy isn't one of them!  He will only use you, it's obvious he doesn't have feelings for you. 

Spend time doing things YOU love to do, and developing yourself and your inner strengths.