January 2017 I broke up with my boyfriend of 4+ years, this was hard and complicated. But in March I started to put myself back out there, always believe what Robyn lyric said, “the only way a heart can mend is when you learn to love again” (I changed it slightly). Rather quickly I met a guy online and we hit it off electronically, we had a lot in common and good communication back and forth. We finally decided to meet in person and that went well. He was super engaged, always texting, calling, hanging out. He would plan fun activities and as time progressed I really started to like him. As I got to know him, he mentioned he had ADHD, but it didn’t seem to affect him, he learned how to be successful in school and now work. There were times when we were talking and something would distract him, but it wasn’t an issue. He was mostly organized, but him room was always a bit messy, but the rest of the house wasn’t.
Things started to turn at the end of July. He started pulling back. At first I didn’t understand, his work life was getting stressful with a new boss and a reorg. But my mid August he said that he needed to take a break, that there were things he needed to work on and he wanted to give me space to move on from my last relationship and be ready to date again. He said he would be open to trying again in the future.
We didn’t talk much during the break. He essentially said he wanted a break and then communication stopped. I sent him a package and letter saying how I felt and that I missed him. He responded in October saying that things at work were bad, that he was losing his job and was depressed. More time passed and we decided to grab drinks in middle November, he had a new job and was ready to meet and talk again. That went well and as we said bye, he asked if I was free over the weekend. The weekend came and I didn’t hear from him, not until 8pm when he texted saying he didn’t know how to process the feelings and what to make of it. It was his birthday that Wednesday and I proceeded to say, let’s just be friends and Tuesday I dropped off a birthday gift. Two weeks later we went to dinner, then drinks and it ended with him kissing me.
It was also at this time he started a new job and that became his top focus, putting me on the side. We hung out a few times in December and January, but it wasn’t until beginning of February he said he was ready to try again. This time around we didn’t clearly talk about where our feelings were at, that’s what I think was our first mistake. We both started in different places, I was at where I left off in August and he was more towards the beginning. We also didn’t do much, we would do dinners and hang out. But it wasn’t like the first time when we would do different activities or try new stuff. But things were going well until the second weekend of April. This was my friends wedding and he agreed to be my date. Prior to the wedding we had agreed to be exclusive, but I think we both had different bought about what that meant. For me it was just not dating anyone else. But maybe it meant more for him, but again we didn’t clearly communicate. At the wedding friends of mine kept introducing us at boyfriends, which we hadn’t talked about that title yet. Also, the night before the wedding I was out with him and his two roommates. We all had a few drinks and his one roommate, also best friends, asked me when he was away how I felt. With out a filter on, I told her that I really liked him and maybe even loved him. I wasn’t thinking and didn’t realize this would get back to him, naive on my part.
After the wedding is when he started to pull back a bit. And one night I asked him what was going on. We had a good chat, he talked about how we were in different places with out feelings, that I knew how I felt and that he was certain yet. I said that I’m okay with that, that it hasn’t been too much time and feeling develop. The next two weeks we wouldn’t see each other much, he had a trip with friends then I left for my brothers wedding. We still texted every day and talked a few times on the phone.
When I got back from my trip, he texted he wanted to talk. He came over and said he didn’t feel this was working and needed a break. That he feels frustrated and overwhelmed, that he hasn’t developed the same feelings for me that I did. That he felt pressured to be there and was starting to feel suffocated. We had a long chat, lasting about four hours and talked a lot about what happened. He said he felt complacent this time around and just along for the ride. I did take control, always tried to plan when we hung out, texted him every morning. We talked about how we didn’t communicate, that I didn’t know he was feeling this way and didn’t get a chance to change.
We decided to take a few days break and not talk, give us some space. We talked the following Monday and he said again he doesn’t think it’s working for him, that he still feels pressured, overwhelmed and frustrated. We talked for a bit and decided to take a month break. I’m traveling a lot for work over the next three weeks and when I’m back we would try to grab dinner, go for a walk, etc. That we could maybe restart and take a different approach. He seemed engaged in this talk, he picked the time frame and we set rules on communication (which was zero communication).
It’s been a week now and I do truly miss him, I felt he was more special that other guys that I met and that he could be the one I spend my life with.
I do believe he has feelings for me, but that they could be clouded by frustration and pressure. But I’m not an expert and don’t have ADHD, but I’m trying to understand and wonder if this is cause of those feelings.
I think this second time around I didn’t give him a chance to develop feelings, I pulled him along and pushed us too fast, but I was so excited and happy to be dating him again. He had a spark for me the first time and wanted to try again. We get along great, time flies when we are together and can chat on the phone for hours.
I’m not sure if taking this break was the right thing to do, he was at a point where he didn’t want to continue and he liked the idea of taking a break and trying a restart. He wasn’t open to the idea of slowing down, it was too overwhelming for him.
I guess I’m looking for advice and guidance and if anyone has experienced this before. I really like this guy and think he’s worth it to chase after.