Hi all,
(sorry if it's inappropriate to post technically pre-marriage questions here, but I believe it's a question of some general interest and importance :-))
I am seeing a wonderful, intelligent woman, 40 YO, myself being 46. I really, really love her, and I accept that our relationship can't and won't be without....complications. We know each other from way back; our romantic relationship is nearly 6 months old. She was diagnosed only a couple of years ago but there is no mistaking that she really is affected by core ADHD symptoms such as being impulsive, poor execution skills, hyperfocusing and poor memory. What affects me most, though, is her inattentiveness (sorry if this is not a proper word; English is not my first language.)
I can understand from this website and several other internet sources that one of the recurring themes for non-ADHD partners is a feeling of loneliness, being ignored, and so on. I also understand the ADHD-background for this and that we, as non-ADHD'ers, should not (necessarily) think that the ADHD partners doesn't care. So no need to repeat that lesson. I accept the challenge, as I have already stated.
That being said, I find it terribly difficult to deal with the spells of incommunicado, feelings of being abandoned or ignored, the unanswered text messages and so on. I have explained to her that I really need to be encouraged, every now and then, by her taking the initiative to communicate, which prompt a short change followed by same ol', same ol'.
We are both divorcees with part time kids and we don't live together - she has a wonderful son 3 YO and I have a daughter 11 YO (and a grown up son) - I have a flexible but financially nice job while she is struggling with her career (such as it is.) This also means that we often have to spend a week without face-to-face contact, and when we find the time to bring the families together, she is often so tired and worn that I am basically a babysitter and cleaner. Again, this is not a complaint, I accept that I am by far the one with most resources. But the scarcity of our "quality time" (boy, I hate that phrase!) makes it the case that most of the time, I can only hope that she's in the mood to talk on the phone or chat on the internet. While she has the prerogative to call me at more or less any time of the day and night, I can only hope to catch her on a "good time" if I feel like talking.
Anyway, that's ok. What really bugs me is that I am so unsure about her true feelings or intentions. For me - being a reasonably straight guy with a reasonably straight history of relationships to women - the periods where she simply ignores me - or cannot cope with communicating with me? - sets all my warning signals in fire even if I try mentally to take into account her ADHD. She tells me that she wants to give our relationship a chance to develop. I have told her that I love her, am in love with her, and I don't think she has reasons to question my sincerity here, in words or in action. She has had a pretty rough life, partly because of her ADHD, and also in the relationships department, so I don't want to pressure things or rush ahead. She even told me that she doesn't want to rush things herself because I am too precious for her to risk jeopardizing our relationship (this seems to have been the order of the day in her life before: fall madly in love, move in together, break up after half a year or so.) Naturally, I take this as a pretty good sign of her commitment.
Still, I fell at a loss. I don't know if anyone here can help. Is this simply how things are when you are trying to establish a relationship to an ADHD partner?
Any kind of comment, advice, question or whatever is truly welcomed.
Cheers, mejn
It seems for several reasons
Submitted by MFrances on
It seems for several reasons you should take it very slow. There' are kids involved, her relationship history, and her ADHD. I can tell you that the inattentiveness is hard to live with. Especially if she feels she is being attentive. It's hard after years of someone not paying attention to remember that that person cares/loves you. Actions and words have to match.
Second That
Submitted by kellyj on
I can say for myself on the ADHD side of things that I find myself quite often trying to catch up with my spouse in her needs and demands from me. This feeling alone on my end can cause problems of its own and her own admission that she can be impatient is also clear to me as well. Slowing things down and letting her come to you is good advise on all levels. It will tell you the answers you are looking for if you let this happen on it's own within reason. Adding any extra pressure or anxiety to someone who has ADHD can make matters unmanageable in a hurry but there also needs to be some compromise on her end as well. It's a difficult balance to achieve sometimes and is still one that I have to deal with on a regular basis with my spouse.
One compromise you might consider on your end is letting go of the texting replies. Having to reply to people by text and trying to stay connected to them this way totally does not work for me. It only creates frustration and anxiety and has nothing to do with how I feel or wanting to stay connected. Not taking this one personally and chalking it up to ADHD and letting go of it may prove to her a willingness to compromise on your end if you can do it. Good luck.
doesn't change unless
Submitted by dedelight4 on
HI mejn, glad you found this site. It's SO helpful to those of us that have ADHD impacting our lives. Just adding my two cents (whatever that's worth). If your girlfriend is not getting medication as well as having a good counselor helping her with the behaviors, your relationship with her will not get better. (it only gets worse) My ADHD husband also cannot verbalize his true feelings about me, or TO me, even though he says he loves me. (only when I ask him) There were so many years I tried to SHOW him what a close, loving, caring relationship could be, and I tried to be a good example of that, but the ADHD wouldn't let him PROCESS that information enough to where HE himself could do it BACK to me. I gave all the hugs, kisses, affection, initiating sex, love notes, cards, etc., but got little to none in return. I really loved him, and he said he loved me, and I could NOT UNDERSTAND why he wouldn't SHOW it. It made me question his love for me, his intentions, AND his long term commitment to me as well. His impulse capacity is NOT very deep, it's very shallow, and it surprises me more and more with his inability to STOP an action that will have negative consequences.
It has been devastating to our relationship, but my husband won't believe it's him, HE BLAMES ME. It is SO HARD to live with for many years, and the loneliness and isolation gets overwhelming. He did end up having a long term affair, which has STILL had a long term affect on us, since he WILL NOT talk about what happened, or ADMIT that he had anything to do with what happened. He "sort of" made an apology, but that was it, and the apology WAS NOT AN APOLOGY. He said "one time" that he wishes he could do things over again. THAT, was supposed to make me get "over" a 3 year long affair. NOT!!!!!. Plus, he had the audacity to tell me he "hadn't felt loved" for a while now. Talk about NOT FEELING LOVED..........OMG......it's been years and years and years, that I haven't FELT love from him, but he (like many others) puts all negative consequences and negative decisions BACK on the spouse. "They", couldn't have done anything wrong, because now they are feeling good about themselves, "IT HAS TO BE YOU".
It's so confusing and difficult to have to live with, but when the person who HAS the ADHD, gets the proper help and guidance, their lives can be pretty satisfying......even great, according to some here. I would SO LOVE to be one of those. But, I'm the only one doing the research about ADHD in our relationship, so we're not getting very far. I really pray better for you and yours.
Thanks for all of your
Submitted by mejn on
Thanks for all of your comments!
I have to be honest and say that I don't know whether or not I am prepared to go through what seems like a big ordeal in order to get what *might* be love in return. So my strategy for now is to back down and see how she reacts. I appreciate the advice on texting and I get that, I am probably a bit anal (sorry for that!) in that department. I am a control freak.
Any other comments, feelings or pieces of advice still much welcomed - although, right now, I am in retreat.
cheers, mejn