(sorry if it's inappropriate to post technically pre-marriage questions here, but I believe it's a question of some general interest and importance :-))
I am seeing a wonderful, intelligent woman, 40 YO, myself being 46. I really, really love her, and I accept that our relationship can't and won't be without....complications. We know each other from way back; our romantic relationship is nearly 6 months old. She was diagnosed only a couple of years ago but there is no mistaking that she really is affected by core ADHD symptoms such as being impulsive, poor execution skills, hyperfocusing and poor memory. What affects me most, though, is her inattentiveness (sorry if this is not a proper word; English is not my first language.)
I can understand from this website and several other internet sources that one of the recurring themes for non-ADHD partners is a feeling of loneliness, being ignored, and so on. I also understand the ADHD-background for this and that we, as non-ADHD'ers, should not (necessarily) think that the ADHD partners doesn't care. So no need to repeat that lesson. I accept the challenge, as I have already stated.
That being said, I find it terribly difficult to deal with the spells of incommunicado, feelings of being abandoned or ignored, the unanswered text messages and so on. I have explained to her that I really need to be encouraged, every now and then, by her taking the initiative to communicate, which prompt a short change followed by same ol', same ol'.
We are both divorcees with part time kids and we don't live together - she has a wonderful son 3 YO and I have a daughter 11 YO (and a grown up son) - I have a flexible but financially nice job while she is struggling with her career (such as it is.) This also means that we often have to spend a week without face-to-face contact, and when we find the time to bring the families together, she is often so tired and worn that I am basically a babysitter and cleaner. Again, this is not a complaint, I accept that I am by far the one with most resources. But the scarcity of our "quality time" (boy, I hate that phrase!) makes it the case that most of the time, I can only hope that she's in the mood to talk on the phone or chat on the internet. While she has the prerogative to call me at more or less any time of the day and night, I can only hope to catch her on a "good time" if I feel like talking.
Anyway, that's ok. What really bugs me is that I am so unsure about her true feelings or intentions. For me - being a reasonably straight guy with a reasonably straight history of relationships to women - the periods where she simply ignores me - or cannot cope with communicating with me? - sets all my warning signals in fire even if I try mentally to take into account her ADHD. She tells me that she wants to give our relationship a chance to develop. I have told her that I love her, am in love with her, and I don't think she has reasons to question my sincerity here, in words or in action. She has had a pretty rough life, partly because of her ADHD, and also in the relationships department, so I don't want to pressure things or rush ahead. She even told me that she doesn't want to rush things herself because I am too precious for her to risk jeopardizing our relationship (this seems to have been the order of the day in her life before: fall madly in love, move in together, break up after half a year or so.) Naturally, I take this as a pretty good sign of her commitment.
Still, I fell at a loss. I don't know if anyone here can help. Is this simply how things are when you are trying to establish a relationship to an ADHD partner?
Any kind of comment, advice, question or whatever is truly welcomed.