Dealing with Anger- for the ADHD/ADD spouse

new. hi!

I've been skimming over the threads.  noticed that most assist the non-ADDer spouse with their anger issues and "dealing" with us ADDers.

Do you have any suggestions on how us ADDers can deal with the anger and resentment that we have after years of not receiving the support we truly needed from our significant others?


Been with SO for close to 9 years.  The beginning of our relationship, when confronted with an "issue" that was presented to SO out of left field was met with anger, frustration and venomous insults.  Issue after issue, anger-frustration-insults.... would appear.  Belittling. Put downs. Impatience.  Piling and piling.  Year after year the same cycle.  On the brink of divorce numerous amounts of times. 

SO would bring up what needed to change in "order to calm the beast" in them.  Without meds I sought ways of "changing" and/or improving my life.  Battling with the 'demons' and distractions in my head to perceiver and swim, not sink.  I refused to allow SO to make me feel small and worthless.  However, no matter how hard I tried SO never seemed satisfied.  And I lost the will, the drive to be the positive person I was so well known for being.  I was slumping myself into a deep depression and saw now way out of it.

Then, Kid A was born.  I felt so alive for the first time in a VERY long time.  And yet more frustration, anger and what I now would call, torment followed.  My end wasn't being met.  I felt as though my every move was being watched.  I felt as though I was being punished for being so happy around Kid A.... and not reciprocating that unconditional love for SO (but I usually thought to myself... how can you love someone that makes you feel so incapable of great things?).  I was failing to be a "detailed" parent.  Failing at seeing SO's point about certain things, such as hygiene and basic cares and necessities for Kid A and for myself.  Failing at being a 'perfect partner'.

I would mess up financially.  BIG mistake, for two reasons... 1) I made the 'mess', but 2) I wouldn't tell SO for fear of the reaction and when my mistake was revealed it was doubly worse.... b/c SO felt that if I'd just been informative the problem may have been fixed before it had gotten so huge. 

Over the years to come we battled.  Over the smallest things.  and some pretty major things, and yet we'd constantly ask each other "why are you still here?".  It all boiled down to the love we once had when we first met.  And how we each held onto that love in our own way.

Kid B born a few years later.... and this time around I was ready! I made sure to be prepared for the kids.  Made myself schedules, totally focused on getting the kids the attention and the time, food, and rest they needed.  But then.... I became so hyper-focused on them and me not screwing this up, that SO felt left out.  And my communication began to wilt, petal by petal... like a rose that had not been watered for weeks. 

On the brink of madness (and after more 'abusive' outbursts toward one another), I sought counseling for the two of us.  Marriage counseling. Fun!

We learned personality wise we're opposites.  We learned that I was not comfortable opening up to SO at all! And we learned that I needed to get on medication for my ADD.

The first day was like heaven.  I felt a ray of sunshine beaming down on me from above.  Someone must have shined that light on me at least 75% of that day, b/c I was elated and felt like I used to feel.... that I concur the world! "Bring it on!" I thought to myself.  And then the anxiety set in.  The expectations that SO would have since I had new found 'clarity'. 

**background ends**

I am now a proud, organized, independent, confident, and fully-functioning adult.  I've managed to find ways to make my life easier.  Managed to get my kids organized and under routines.  My house... oh let me just say... it feels good to know that if someone can't find anything they come and ask me and I know just where it is.  I always wanted to be that parent. 

And yet even though I feel completely successful with my daily life, my marriage has been swept under the rug.  It's been on the back burner.  Too long.  And SO's anger is RAGE.  And my reactions are completely defensive and venomous.  We are NOT proud of what we have done with one another in that we have chosen to be this way toward each other.

I've been battling in my head all the anger that SO had toward me over the years.  All the circumstances that caused the rage, anger and frustration.  The many times I shouted or thought "I HATE YOU".... the many times I just wanted to be free to be myself. 

I want to forgive SO.  I have, over these past few months, learned to forgive myself.  And I want to forgive my spouse for all the mean, hurtful things that were said.  For all the ways that SO made me feel small and under appreciated.  But when I meditate and try to bring the love into my heart.... I am still so full of anger toward them.  How do I get rid of all of that anger I have toward that person, after they have forgiven me for so much I've done to them?

Your thoughts?  Suggestions?  Questions?


"Fact of the matter is, folks, everything is a non-issue until someone decides otherwise.  And that means you can now chill" ~the universe