Hi everyone. I've been reading this forum for a while but I'm still pretty new to all this. I feel like I am running out of options here, so I would really appreciate any help. Sorry for the long message.
My husband was finally officially diagnosed with ADHD 2 months ago. I say finally, because it took me 3 years to get him to see someone or realize that there is a problem (although he did seek help a few years before our marriage on his own and sort of got a similar diagnosis but claimed treatment didn't help and did nothing else about it). He saw a psychiatrist who prescribed him Dexamphitamine "as needed" at the first appointment, saw him a month later for half an hour to hear my husband report "it's working" and told him "see you in 6 months". He also seems to encourage my husband to smoke pot (or at least that's what my husband thinks) which is illegal in Australia - where we live. He insists on smoking almost every night and seems to be addicted but refuses to see that. In our city there are only 5 ADHD specialists, and most don't take new patients. This one was the 4th or 5th that the doctor called when making a referral. My husband had to wait for over 3 months to get an appointment. As a non-ADHD spouse, it's pretty hard for me to get an appointment with ADHD specialist while my partner's one wouldn't discuss anything with me because of confidentiality. For the first appointment, I wrote a letter listing the symptoms I observed and expressing my concerns (as suggested in some books). The psychiatrist read it, said "it's textbook ADHD", was going to discuss "family" with my husband at the second appointment, but when the second appointment came.. he didn't.
The major problem I am dealing with is angry outbursts, attacks, put downs and blame. The yelling just doesn't stop once he gets going. It's impossible to discuss anything calmly for him. I tried asking him to discuss things calmly, I tried telling him that name-calling is unacceptable, I try to establish boundaries, I walk away if he doesn't stop. He follows me to the room yelling or yells outside of the door and then finally walks away. When I'm back around him, 20 minutes or later, and try to discuss the same issue, the same yelling happens. If I don't discuss this issue, we start doing something happy and positive, but he suddenly finds something else to get upset about and yells at me again. He sometimes admits that he has a yelling problem and claims he is "working on it" but he is doing nothing about it. He refuses to read books on ADHD, he refuses to go to a psychologist alone or together, he doesn't bring up this problem with his psychiatrist. Other times, he claims it's my problem, it's me who needs to take medication. Any small difference in opinion or a disagreement is dealt with yelling, put downs, name-calling and blaming on his part. I'm really frustrated and starting to feel hopeless because it's impossible to resolve anything with him, unless I do everything the way he demands. If he thinks one way, then it's right, because it's HIS opinion and it's logical. Mine is unreasonable, unreal and wrong. Sometimes I feel like the whole day he is yelling because of this or that. He does better on Dex, but he doesn't take it every day or with regularity.
I have gone to psychiatrists, psychologists, social workers... They all agree that he has a problem and he needs to deal with it. The only option I'm being suggested right now is to tell him that I will leave if he doesn't get his act together. I am 5 months pregnant so neither leaving nor staying feels like a great situation at the moment. Now that his psychiatrist said "see you in 6 months" without teaching him any new skills, discussing any real problems and ways to address them, or even explaining that HE has some of these problems, I don't know what to do. It took me so long to convince my husband to see this one to begin with, that getting him to see another (maybe) psychologist and work on problems is even harder now. Last time I brought up the idea of us going to get help, I got the response "It will never work because no one can convince YOU that you have a problem!".
I don't want to sound like I'm blaming him for all the problems and it's all his fault. I do love him and want to make things work. He is a nice person otherwise and he doesn't yell with others. He does have a part-time job and tries to do the chores (although complains that he does more, calls me lazy and thinks that it's my job to clean up the messes he leaves as if it's "our mess"). I don't have a huge problem with him forgetting things, mostly he does manage to keep his appointments, remember birthdays etc. I don't expect perfection there and I do understand if he forgets or looses something and try to help. But I do feel like he doesn't take responsibility for managing his symptoms or even acknowledges that the symptoms are affecting our marriage. Especially the impulsive yelling and arguing.
Again, sorry for the long message. Do you have any suggestions?