My relationship I have invested over 2 years into is about to fail. I have been living my ADHD boyfriend for the past 1.5 years and it was always a bit tumultuous, however, he is wonderful in many ways with a great sense of humor. He showed me he really wanted to make it work with me in the beginning and was very loving and touchy (in a good way)...as I have been reading, I am victim of the hyper-focus courtship, lol....great. I now feel that he doesn't care to give me the things I need to feel secure and loved in the relationship. He has admitted to me he was on meds in his 16 year marriage and he ended it b/c they grew apart....I feel like the only way to deal with ADD/ADHD is to literally go numb and grow apart from them...but I'm beginning to feel like a shell. All I want to do is love him and have him love me back. He doesn't believe in relationships where anyone is "forced" to do anything they don't "feel"....which unfortunately includes him doing anything for me I tell him I need unless it is something he actually "wants" to do. What do I do with this....any suggestions?
Some examples of what I hear from him:
"You started it....so I snapped at you, so what, get over it...you are too sensitive." When he snaps at me or cuts me off and I admittedly go balistic (or as he calls it, "the venom that you spew"...honestly, I am no angel, but I don't know what else to do other than erupt at this point)...he claims I take it to a whole new level and I have a "mean streak" in me b/c anyone who claims to love someone wouldn't freak out on him like that...."the punishment never matches the crime" he says He thinks I should let him snap/bark at me and it'd be over in 2 seconds.....right....for him, not me!! he doesn't realize the effect and inner turmoil it has on me....and seems to not care when I tell him.
I've told him to just apologize when he hurts my feelings or is harsh when he shuts me down (as he is incredibly impatient with me and he knows it...he says "I'm impatient with everyone"). I've gone so far as to say it's ok if he barks at me, just say your sorry after and I'll move on....but he refuses - he says "I'm not going to go through my life apologizing and besides, it's just words". So I tell him he has 2 choices - he can apologize or receive my "wrath"...which is me going balistic. He doesn't like either choice....he says, "just bark back." It's like there is a disconnect..i don't want to "bark back". He doesn't seem to care at all that what he does effects/hurts me. And when I cry, he says "oh my god, are you going to cry now?"....I don't know how much more of the insensitivity I can take.
He says to me "just be nice"....and I say, "I'll be nice to you if you are nice to me".....his response is "why does it always have to start with me? Do you ever work on yourself?" I'm extremely frustrated.
When I have an opinion that differs from him and I ask him for facts about why he feels the way he does, he thinks I am arguing with him and debating....and it's as if I can never learn anything from him b/c he can't converse in a normal way. He gets angry. I am walking on eggshells in my own home and I feel like I have to "turn off" just to walk in my door. He also badgers me when I am "turned off/numb" asking me what is wrong until I gently tell him....and then he starts in with me that "here I go again".
He doesn't want to hear about my day or stories about people in my world...he says "don't you ever consider your audience? Not everyone wants to hear what you have to say." Then he says, "you grew up thinking everything you had to say was important because you are pretty and people just pretend to listen to be around you"....it's incredibly hurtful.
He is also incredibly hypocritical and doesn't see it....even when I provide him examples that are so OBVIOUS....it's like he is completely blind and says "its not the same thing". OMG....there is no logic I can provide that seems to sink in. He thinks I'm "too logical" and not everything is about logic.....ok, but the examples are easy because he provides me all the ammo I need...and logic or not, they are concrete.
He says it is all me. I've asked him to record our conversations...the answer is no. I've asked him to go to therapy...the answer is no. I've asked him to ask any 20 people of his choosing about the situation.....ANYthing to get an unbiased outsiders opinion about what is going on....the answer is still "no, not doing it!" I feel like I am always trying to not upset him and he doesn't provide me the same courtesies at all. If I'm wrong, I want to know, but if he is wrong, he refuses to hear it from anyone. I don't know what to do. I am SOOOO willing to do anything he needs (except deal with him being disrespectful and hurtful)....and he doesn't believe a relationship should be about giving what the other needs...just what you want to give. This seems incredibly selfish, no? What do I do with this....any suggestions?