dealing with self centeredness....

So My DF has been diagnosed with ADD a few months ago and has been on and off of his medicine since his diagnosis.  He just communicated to me today that he will not be taking his medicine anymore because it is completely taking away his appetite and is also causing him sleepless nights.  He also said yesterday that he would be fine without it.  I'm not sure how I feel about that because in all honesty I don't feel like I've seen many changes in him when he has been taking it.  He says he feels calmer and a little more focused but he still gets easily frustrated.  I told him that as his next appt. with his psych (next week) he had to talk to him about the appetite and sleep issues, but i really think he just thinks that is not such a big problem.  In our last big fight (right before christmas) i mentioned how i felt his ADD was affecting our relationship and he got really defensive and told me to go f myself and that it was over. We haven't argued much lately which is good, but i'm not sure if it is because of the medicine or if it's simply because we're just both shutting down and not expressing our feelings.  We started going to therapy with a counselor who specializes in ADD about 2 months ago and the counselor is great.  He seems to have faith that my DF is capable of making the necessary changes to save our relationship. Me on the other hand, I'm not so convinced. 

During my last session with the counselor ( i went alone) he spoke to me about how when DF was speaking he seemed very self centered.  He also mentioned that he is extremely insecure.  It all left me the feeling of, who wants to be married to someone who is self centered and insecure?  The counselor replied that it is one of the main things he has to work with DF on.  Our 6 yr. relationship has been a crazy roller coaster ride and I have endured a lot of pain because he has been verbally abusive towards me and physically once, years ago.  I don't feel unsafe, I really don't think he would put his hands on me again, but I do think that if we have a heated argument, he will resort to disrespectful words and name calling and I'm not looking to deal with that any more.  We have two small children and I don't want them to witness that behavior.  I've been feeling extremely disconnected with him lately and even though i don't want to break up this family and take my kids away from their father, I don't seem to have the enthusiasm and faith that i had before, when it comes to the relationship.

I spent a few days (recently) reliving a lot of the horrible things that have happened between us and was feeling really down.  After speaking to my counselor i decided that i have to forgive him for the things he has done in the past and I just have to work on me.  Reliving the past is only causing pain for me as I don't mention the things to him anymore because he gets angry and tells me that i basically just have to get over it, so i basically suffer in silence.  I'm starting to take some dance classes because it's been years since i've done anything for myself and I'm just gonna do things for me, things that will make me happy.  I'm working on being a better mom, more patient, i'm working out, eating right, basically anything that will make me feel better about me.  I'm done trying to get him to realize the pain he has caused and what he has to change.  

 

Momto 2,

I adore the fact that you are taking the time to see about "YOU" very important that you do! I have been reading alot lately "Melissa Orlov's" book "The effect on ADHD marriage" and that "book" is very amazing!!!it helped me so much so far, and I haven't even finished the book as yet.I too have been thinking about myself lately and ezzzzzzzzing of the stress, on how to get my husband to take meds,so far I am doing quite fine.He on the other hand is a very hard man to deal with,he is not good at all with his ADHD and the complains they carry,but,I am learning"not" to nag any more and just do what he wants me to do and stress down,because it will bring down my health.He did in fact said after his big project he has going on, he will go to the doctor"only"then which I fine to be an excuse!!but I am keeping faith,and I am learning not to nag him about it because nagging will only drive them further and further away,the many things that I have learnt reading Melissa's book thus far.Good luck !!!!!