My Husband was just diagnosed about 2 months ago with ADHD (the combined type). We have been married 2 1/2 years and together for almost 4 years. I just don't feel like we have a relationship anymore and I'm not sure we ever really did since we rushed too much in moving in together and we got married after only knowing each other 1 year and a half. I feel too much like we're just room-mates who rarely talk to each other. I'm really tired of feeling like I'm the only one who ever makes the decisions and initiates sex or conversations. We usually just watch tv and spend time on our phones when we're in the same room. My biggest issue is that I don't feel like I'll ever be able to trust my Husband or completely feel safe with him. My Husband has cost us money in the past with his financial mistakes. He has racked up like 5 parking tickets in the past two years and he didn't research the health insurance at his work enough before signing us up for it (it ended up being way too expensive) so we had to waste a lot of money on that. He also initially told me there were no problems with our latest car inspection and then he told me just recently that one of our tail-light coverings needs to be replaced for us to pass our next inspection (it will cost $50-100). I still resent him for backing into a truck when he was pulling out of a parking lot shortly after we got our car 2 years ago cuz he wasn't paying enough attention. He has a tendency to drive pretty fast while he's driving too and I don't feel comfortable riding in the car with him.
We are both seeing a therapist (who seems to be placing most of the blame on me for our problems and it only makes me feel worse/more depressed). He has been on 2 daily doses of 10 mg Adderall for about 2 weeks now. I really expected to see more of an improvement and while there has been a little change in him while he's on the medication, I don't find that it's enough for me to tolerate in the long run. He works late though so on the weeknights I see him while the medication is working for 2 hours tops. I need him to be able to keep his symptoms under control at all times or I won't be able to be around him much longer. Lately my health has been more problematic than usual. I don't seem to have as much of an appetite anymore and I have been getting migraines on a daily basis (while I used to get them rarely). I don't want to have to sacrifice my health for this marriage to work out. My Husband definitely wants us to work out and he is willing to try anything which is why I haven't left him yet. I don't feel like I love him anymore though and I don't feel attracted to him. He is no longer the same person I married. I don't know if I can ever be content with the fact that he has ADHD. I have never dated anyone with ADHD before him and I'm not a patient person by any means.
Should I give the medication more time to work and my Husband more of a chance to try or should I just leave? I am not sure how long it really takes for the right medication to really improve a person with ADHD. Also, If I do decide to leave him I'm really concerned that he will just giving up trying to improve at all and fail to pay any bills that he is responsible for, negatively affecting my credit.
Your story is very close to
Submitted by lauren07 on
Your story is very close to mine. My husband never tried meds for his add though. I had to give up on my husband. We stay friends because of our child. The mutual bills come out automatically each month. He lives very far away and I'm glad because I'm miserable around him.
I can't tell you what to do, but I wish you luck!!
mrsg13
Submitted by c ur self on
I read your post, and I understand some of your feelings...I feel like marriage is a life time commitment. I am just finishing up my 6th year with a wife who has chronic add...I do not know what you are expecting out of your marriage, even the best ones take a lot of work. So the pasture usually isn't greener...I will tell you my feelings based on my own mistakes...If you are needy and/or dependent you probably will live a lot of your life scared, disappointed, and feeling unloved among other things. If your spouse has Add, esp...untreated you can expect behaviors that you will see as bad, but, he will think it's fine. I made a ton of mistakes dealing with my wife...esp. early on...I would encourage you to read Melissa's book if you haven't already and you can also see patterns in these posts that follow add/adhd...My advise to anyone dealing with an add/adhd mate is to love them, and respect them. Here are some things i would suggest you refrain from that caused emotional problems for me...Do not fuss at or be demeaning toward them regardless of their actions...Let them bear the responsibility for their own actions, do not take that on. Over talking an issue when the behavior is clearly an Add behavior is bad. They will turn it around on you (your comment about the counselor blaming you is exactly how it happens for most of us when you have a add spouse who lives in denial and we the non add spouse feels it is our obligation to bring it to light, this is a big pitfall do not jump in!) so be willing to walk away...Also you need to see yourself, what are your tendencies? Are you needy, controlling, angry, blaming? If you stay focused on your own words and actions, and do not get caught up looking at the add behaviors instead of the man who loves you. You will do better... Be a responsible adult, and let him be one also. Its easy for some of us to turn verbally abusive when married to a spouse who is add...You will find yourself in shock and unbelief that someone actually can think and act that way...Remember the obvious to you, more than likely is not obvious to him....If I was going to give my daughter advise, in the same scenario, I would tell her to love him with all her heart, and be faithful...But, keep a good job, and be able to take care of herself...also I would suggest, if the add mate would not face it, and treat it...to think long and hard before bring innocent children into the world...Many marriages where add is present have children and do well...I will pray for you.