DH has business debts and very little retirement money saved. We passed retirement age but both have our own small dwindling businesses. We just had a personal visit to our home this morning by someone who he owes rent and utilities for his workshop. This was a debt where I had specifically asked, "Do you owe them money?" He said he was paid up. A lie again. After the person left, I waited to hear his response. No words at all. He was waiting for me to talk while he hung his head in silence. In the past I would start with things like, "Let's do a budget", Let's look at this and find some solutions", etc. Or I might yell in exasperation with a "How Could You?" Ending with me taking care of things for the moment while he mumbled empty promises and did crossword puzzles. This time I did not yell or try to help him figure this out. HE started yelling at ME for not being compassionate saying "Its hard to cooperate in a relationship when YOU are not compassionate." And then some "made up" insinuations toward me about our entire family life. This had worked for him for decades with me as I used to try to accept MY part of the relationship failures. In the past, I would consider what he said to me and I would try harder or different. He would walk away feeling like he WON the conversation and forget it.
What I have learned. No words or support or trying to understand him has any effect on what he does or what he thinks or how he feels. He soothes himself with pastimes and bad habits and then is able to forget. That is all he can handle. That is all I can expect from him. I have been manipulated all those years to give HIM security and social acceptance and my reward is his blame. That is all I am USED for to him. He has not loved me. He impulsively fooled around at every opportunity. I guess I thought he would love me for all I did for him, but he does not even accept that I did anything for him. He can only soothe himself through the present moment. He can only work to create a reality and history in his mind to make himself feel good about himself. He likes to think of himself as a great and fun guy.
We need to rid ourselves of his business, but he has become a dirty pack rat in his rented workshop and I can't do this for him. I don't know where to turn. I need some help from a local source but don't know who to confide in. I have talked to lawyers, financial planners and minister. I can't do this alone. It is not mine to do alone...it is his business. I wish I had a strong, intelligent brother to lean on and go through all the particulars of what I should do. I don't have someone like that so I guess I need to let this house of cards fall down where it will and take my punishment for "letting" him make such a mess of us. In the old days that was called staying together for the sake of religion/children/integrity and believing in prayer and love. Today it is called being stupid, weak, codependent, enabling and closing my eyes to reality. I need to make major changes rather than let it continue in a downward spiral. I need to be the catalyst to make the changes about HIM and his business dept. But I can only change ME. Being married is different than being a business partner. You can walk away from a business and still have your family in tact.
Right now, I am being blamed by him for this recent visit by his creditor because as he says I didn't show HIM enough love. He denies to himself that his business is not making a living wage. I think he wants me to take care of it. Then, later he will blame me for closing his business when it was going so well.