Deception

Husband, as usual, is out of town for the weekend for his job.  Yesterday, there was a call to our house, which the answering machine picked up, from a person at a company saying that she needs to speak to my husband about his investment in the company.  I was not aware that he has this investment.  I recently filled out college financial aid applications and thought I had complete information about our finances and apparently I didn't. 

I feel sick to my stomach.  Over the years, there have been omissions about major things like this (omissions on my husband's part). For some reason, even though I'm somewhat cynical and even though I don't trust my husband much at this point, I always feel like I've been sucker punched when I find out about another instance of deception.  Any tips for getting through the next few days until husband returns and we can talk about this?

I don't want to make the focus his deception; I want to make the focus getting the information.  I'm an honest person; I feel right now, once again, as though I've been attacked at my core.

Thank you.

care for yourself

Rose, I am sorry you are experiencing this. I know it drives me crazy to be worried about something and have to wait to address it. My advice, for what it's worth: Take care of yourself. Try to relax. Don't assume--it sounds worrisome, and maybe it is, but perhaps the call is from someone trying to get him to invest or do something he hasn't committed to yet, and it's not a done deal. Maybe they chatted about it and now she is trying to get him to invest. 

I think approaching it as calmly as possible when you talk to him is the best bet. Maybe there is a logical, fine explanation, and you saved yourself some stress. Just ask if he can please explain what this is about, and that you would please like to know everything. Then figure out what to do. If you don't feel like he is being above board, call the woman yourself. You have a legal right to know what is going on if you are married (hopefully you won't have to). 

Or, if you can't stand it, call the woman now and ask. You know your history better than anyone.

If you find out the worst, then you can decide where to go from there. I hope this turns out okay for you. My best to you. Hang in there. 

thank you, lynninny.  I

thank you, lynninny.  I searched our investment records and discovered that this company is one whose stock we own jointly.  Your advice was right on target.  Not to excuse my excessive worrying, but my trust bucket is empty for my husband.  So much has happened.  It makes me sad.

Rosered

How did you spend your weekend to give you a little lift? Hope you are well.

Thank you for asking,

Thank you for asking, jennalemon.  I didn't dwell on the fact it was our anniversary, but I've been depressed for years and sometimes it just hits me, as it did yesterday, when I felt teary off and on for much of the day.  I went to the dog park yesterday and today; beautiful days both, but our dog is old and can't make it far and that made me sad, too.  Last night, I watched a movie in which the main character is an alcoholic.  The movie was very good but it reminded me of my husband's unwillingness to confront his problems head on.  

Upcoming is the fourth anniversary of my husband's firing.  It is disheartening that he has made no progress in dealing with his dysfunctional behaviors since then.

Rosered and others - you know

Rosered and others - you know who you are.  It is nearly time for us to focus on other things.  We feel stuck and will never get unstuck as long as we continue to stare in despair at the muck around us rather than keep our eyes on a vision of where and how life COULD be.  Take a look at your response to my question, Rosered, "What did you do on your anniversary?"  You chose to spin in the muck and see the obstacles rather than set out to celebrate your self -  just like I do.  I KNOW the best thing is to focus on gratitudes, possibilities, and acceptance and getting out of our habits of grieving, fretting and anger.  Our lives are out of control as our emotions are tapped with what seems like sabotage.  We got in this habit out of the unsuspected difficult relationships with our dhs without realizing when or how it happened over the long years.  Now we are realizing what it did to us and our outlook.  How does one break a habit while the situation still exists that caused the bad habit?  

Daily making a conscious change in our thinking and perspective!  Is there a site that offers us a free telephone support gathering to TALK to each other DAILY with positive reinforcements of keeping our eyes on the positives and offering strength and growth? A place where we can daily keep ourselves and each other accountable to our intentions and change? There are a number of people on this site who could benefit from a daily check-in. To comment and relate to the craziness we are in similar to what we are doing here but getting away from our focus on our spouses and putting the focus on what we CAN control - our selves?   Is there a site that exists or should we start one?

This site has been INVALUABLE to me to vent, receive understanding, learn about ADD, and mostly to clear the confusion of what it is that is happening with dh and my marriage.  My confusion made me very emotional until all the reading I have done here permitted me to see the dynamics going on.  Letting go of the dream to MAKE HIM better is the key for my sanity. But I feel a need for support, like I can't do this alone.  Too many years of operant conditioning.   I need some good understanding friends who are going through similar frustrations who are willing to grow and help others who are starting this trek of learning and accepting and focus on healing and strength. I must stop this venting and complaining and start living and giving of myself in positive ways. 

 

If you look online there are

If you look online there are quite a few sites that offer free conference call services, and I believe many have options to keep a bridge line open to whomever may come for at least a few hours. Would have to include some scheduling here, but that could meet your need. most of them will even give you the option of being sent a recording of the session.
I'm So Exhausted's picture

jennalemon, I use his forum

jennalemon, 

I use his forum as one of many parts of my life.  When it comes to living with family members who have ADHD wired brains, I have two immediate people - a 20 something year old son, and a 50 something husband.  

My son grew up with encouragement, affirmation every day that he was a Child of the King, a mother (Me) who refused to allow any sort of character assassination within the safe-haven of our 10 acres, and his own knowledge that his brain was ADHD wired.  He embraces the creative aspects, gets frustrated at the negative aspects, but knows how to ask for help when he needs it. He does not see ADHD as a defect - rather he accepts it as a difference - much like the difference of female and male. 

My husband grew up with criticism and shame.  He knew something was different about him, but just embraced it in silent shame as 'wrong.'  His parents marriage ended in ugliness after 10 years, but they remained married, living in the same house with separate bedrooms,  as that is what good Catholics do.  I believe it was a horrible atmosphere in which to grow up.  As an extreme example - my spouse heard his Dad tell one of his other sons that he was 'as worthless as tits on a bore hog.'  Imagine scrambling all your life to make sure your Dad didn't think that of you. . . . . . My spouse had a thorough ADHD screening at The Cleveland Clinic about 3 years ago.  He is rated so high on the ADHD spectrum, it is a disability.  He still has so many self-protective behaviors locking him in to a difficult place.  

My marriage is still in the midst of this section of the forum:  Anger, Frustration & ADHD.

I dream of the day I can post mostly in the sections titled: Joy in Marriages with ADHD, Communication with ADHD, Negotiation and Setting Boundaries, etc.

I attend Al-Anon meetings.  I grew up with alcoholism.  Al-Anon is a great tool for understanding what a person CAN control - themselves - and what they CANNOT control - anyone else.

A person can stop drinking.  A person cannot stop have an ADHD wired brain.  We never know what the future may bring,,, at one time a near-sighted person was stuck with poor vision without help from glasses or contacts.  Now there is lasik surgery . . . . . . 

So while forum members see and hear my disappointment, sadness. frustration, even anger with ADHD - that is only a small part of my life.  I attend college.  I scrapbook.  I have several group of ladies with whom I enjoy many activities.  I have 3 sisters who are my best friends.  I have a huge family - 7 siblings, 22+ nieces and nephews, 9 great-nieces/nephews, my parents are both still walking this earth with us, I like to write and hope to have some books/children's stories published some day.

I have set strong boundaries with what sort of behavior I will accept from my ADHD spouse.  He sees it as punishing.  I see it as a firm place to keep my sanity grounded.  After years of various different counselors, including Melissa's couples course - I still do not feel he has acceptance of the behavior issues that impact our marriage - in a very ugly manner.  I am at the point of truly believing I am incorporating Tough-Love - as I HOPE HOPE HOPE and even believe, once his denial and defensiveness barrier gets broken, my spouse will choose - joy, our marriage, and mostly SELF HELP.  

I love the input I get here from a variety of sources.  It helps me get back on track when get wrapped up in self-misery.  It helps me see things from a new prospective.  It gives me strength to believe I am not wrong in every move I make.  

I choose to vent here - as no one else - not my family nor friends - can fully feel my pain.  They see only the positive and fun side of my spouse.  While I do not want to damage his image, I sometimes wish someone could see into the inner working of my daily life.  

Jennalemon, I'm feeling some

Jennalemon, I'm feeling some greater peace and resolve.  I communicated to my husband last week that if he does not start looking for jobs, I will file for legal separation.  I'm not going to bug or badger him; I gave him a date by which I expect to see evidence of him applying for jobs, and if he doesn't give me job-search proof by that date, I will file for the separation the next business day.  One of my friends said she'd go with me to the courthouse to do the filing.

I don't want to split up but neither do I want to live with a person who lacks ambition and who is unwilling to do something important for his family (attempt to provide financial support) just because doing so causes him anxiety.

I feel pity for my husband but it's not eating me up.

Honestly

Dear RoseRed:

Do you remember when you were a child and you have your favorite toy, where you kept it in a place where it would be safe?  Sometimes men and women tend to do the same deep habit of keeping things safe - we all do, lock our car doors, homes and even remarks that might not be said (failure to communicate out of fear), period.  In this instance of a financial decision: Depending on the state you live in - you have the right to know.  However, in this situation - honesty is the best policy.  When your husband returns and I don't mean hit him out of the gate like a horse race when he walks through the door - simple be the kind person you are and remain calm, normal (if there is such a thing) and ask him after he settles in (perhaps even the next day - it takes COURAGE and PATIENCE to wait, but you can do it).  Ask him perhaps the following day, after he has settled in, "Honey, while you were away there was a message or there is a message (if you haven't deleted it)... an investment company called and needed to talk to you about it."  Then ask him; is there another investment out there I didn't know about that I should have put on my college financial application?  Because they may put me in another tier for a loan.  If he is in a calm manner and talks to you about it then you automatically know he may have "honestly" forgotten.  If he gives any sign what-so-ever that you are "prying" into his privacy; then that is a direct sign that there is some hidden monetary avenues being stored away for a purpose he does not want you to know about.  In all aspects there isn't anything hidden under the sun when a relationship breaks down and people part their ways.  So don't put the cart in front of the horse - although this may be the hardest thing you have to walk - remember, you are still breathing and have the choice to remain calm.  I believe with all things - can be worked out.  Even if you are with a person or not - you still continue.  But how you react and make the choice in your reaction is the crossroads of your future and sometimes - these crossroads come to a dead end, when in reality all it takes is some SERIOUS self reflection, thought and patience.  If he acts, as though he is hiding something - then perhaps it is time for you to put something away for yourself, to make sure that if anything happens you will be financially ok; until you can land on your two feet.  If not, then you will have the peace of mind that you will be ok - even if you are with him. Also, in the call when they left the message - if they didn't ask for his whole name in the message then it may be another person with his first name or they dialed a wrong number. Get facts first; because PERCEPTION in MIS-COMMUNICATION is like the grape vine that offers spoiled wine.

Hope that helped.

Take care.

ForgivenesswithReality.