So, my husband went off overseas with his fraternity and has been posting all over Facebook what a great time he is having, eating all kinds of wonderful food. Family friends are asking why he didn't take me and the kids and one of my friends even emailed me to say they are sorry he left us behind. My older son has been in a terrible flare for the last two days, verbally and even a bit physically abusive, very difficult to deal with. I've also had my parents in town, which was the only nice thing. But my parents don't always have a realistic expectation of how my son is capable of acting- he has a brain disease and cannot always control his actions when it's flaring, which it was the last two days. I'm tired and burned out between working, all the appointments, dealing with the drama, and it truly pisses me off that my husband is out endlessly having fun with his buddies, posting all over Facebook. Lately I have been wanting to quit my job because I am burned out and have no PTO. I have to take every single day I get for kids drs. appts or them being sick or the occassional mental health day for myself. My husband is now telling me I cannot even buy the herbals we take for our tick borne infections and viral infections if I quit. He claims I spend $600 a month on that and supplements. Which is not true. the kids have a medical grant they got, I buy some things for the infections and magnesium and my oldest is on herbal anti inflammatories. Before he tried to tell me I couldn't have medical treatment when I got really sick with late stage lyme disease and could barely function at work, not to mention how he delayed the children having proper medical treatment for quit some time. I called him on his vacation while he was sitting with his friends and started confronting him on everything, crying and saying it was not fair. He's all trying to suddenly apologize and act like a nice guy, after first saying he never did that. I am just fed up. He is claiming I'll get a wonderful vacation, etc. The marriage is about him all the time, he treats me and the kids poorly, and it's just an endless cycle of problems I constantly have to deal with and solve. I will never get a break, and I don't matter to him. I understand that now- i never have. He had low self esteem at the time due to not being able to get any girlfriends, so he married me to just have a family and then decided he wasn't interested in any of us or family life much after that. He bullies his family to get his way and acts on the outside like he's a great guy. He is there for his buddies when they have hard times but not me. I'm tired of being treated like shit and working my ass off for nothing. I don't deserve to be treated like this.
I have decided to leave him. I'm going to get a weekend job and save and hide away money until I have enough to get a decent place and stockpile some major food supplies and things so the kids and I can get by okay. I haven't told anybody yet, but I am pretty sure other than his family most people would agree with me that I should leave. I know his family will shame and disown me. But the alternative is to stay with somebody who treats me like a slave and doesn't care about my well being and is a lazy bully, who will spend all our money to have his lavish lifestyle and fun adventures with friends while me and my chronically ill kids struggle to get by each day, mostly on our own. I cannot leave my kids alone with him for more than an hour because of his irritability and my younger son can hardly have friends over to play when he is in the house- he insists on sitting in the front room on his computer and wants it silent. Which is hard to achieve when it's high heat outside and my son cannot play at the friends' house- their mom works nights and is sleeping. I'm tired of being angry and hating him. He joined this fraternity which is a cult and has basically dedicated almost all his free time to that, hanging out with his buddies, and his hobbies. There is no marriage therapist who can fix a completely selfish partner. The entire 15 yrs. of our marriage has been terrible and I hate myself that I made such a poor choice to marry him. I hate that my health has been destroyed and I am grey haired and overweight now from never getting much of a break all these years. I love my children and am dedicated to them- despite their difficult health issues. I don't ever want to date or fall in love again. I'm angry but at the same time feel like my heart has been broken.
tiredmomma, so sorry
Submitted by dedelight4 on
I see no one posted yet to your post, and I had to chime in. I"m SO SORRY you are having to deal with this also. There are many of us here, who have had long term marriage, such as yourself, and are burnt out to the maximum. I too, was terribly down on myself for making such a poor choice in choosing him to marry. But, in turn, ADHD persons in denial, (and others) are also just fine with their spouses taking the blame for any difficulties. I've become somewhat hardened during all this, because I've had to, even though that isn't who I really am. I'm just tired of such a lopsided relationship with little to no effort on my husband's part to do the "work" on his ADHD. (he doesn't believe it has that much affect on our marriage, and chooses to believe it's mainly a "focus" problem for him) He's been in counseling for this, but neither of us have ever been to a counselor who truly knew HOW to tell us how to deal with ADHD (and co-morbidity, and actions/reactions) in our marriage. The counseling HE got, was mainly a "feel good" session for him, and he got to talk the whole time, which didn't do anything for US as a couple.
With what I've learned here, and on the internet, about people who CHOOSE to acknowledge their ADHD, and are up front about it, their marriages seem to do better. If either one of the couple doesn't help WORK on this, their lives still seem to be in massive chaos, like ours has been for a long time. Denial is a powerful force, and a lot of people stay in denial about having a mental issue. Plus, then there are those who don't even believe ADHD is real.....(family, friends, etc) which make it hard to confide in anyone. (it IS real)
I also know why you feel like you never want to fall in love again...........EVER. I felt that way also, and I still do, because I felt I couldn't trust myself any longer AT ALL. I was thinking, if I made this poor of a choice, what does that say about ME? But, someone told me, He made choices that damaged the marriage and your relationship almost beyond repair, which wasn't your doing, which was true. I've been reading a LOT about relationships, and what makes people the way they are, and why we make certain choices, etc. It's been enlightening for sure. But, I've still been pretty hard on myself. I've learned some new things about myself which has been a good thing, and helps me. I want to know what I can do to change things about myself, and grow. Getting over the hurt and madness of dealing with constant chaos has taken so much out of me, that it's been a long, long way back to some kind of "normalcy", and stability.
My husband also has a "victim" mindset, where all the "negative" things that happen to him, and HAVE happened, are usually someone ELSE'S fault. "If only my father did this",........"If only your parents would have done this"....."If only I could have gone here, there"......"if only"......"If only". It's been a constant in our lives also. He won't take true ownership for his own decisions.
Anyway, I'm sorry your heart has been broken from all of this. Mine was also. It's been getting better recently and will continue to. I"m wishing you well. Sometimes it does take leaving, which I also did. I left my husband a year ago, and was gone until just recently. I knew I had to go back and get a lot of things straightened out legally, emotionally, and especially financially. EVERYTHING is in a horrible state, especially the finances. We are on the brink of bankruptcy again, which at retirement age is a scary thing, but here we are. But, THIS time, I'm acting much differently, and approaching him in a different manner. I've distanced myself emotionally from him which was something I really needed to do first. The rest is getting easier, after that start.
I hope you are doing well, and am sending hugs.